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“Irrational? I lost my mother that night!” I feel like a kid all over again and she doesn’t see it and I can’t see past the pain.
“What would it change? What would it do?” Abby pleads, reaching out to me, but I push her hand off, pissed and hurt. She lied to me, a lie of omission, but still a lie built of substance that changes everything about our meeting in Gold Beach.
“How long have you known?” I wonder more for my clarification than any real benefit.
“I suspected, but only found out recently.”
I snort. What the hell is recently? Subjective, I suppose. “He killed her. He ripped her away from my family and ruined something so good, so perfect. She didn’t deserve to die.”
“Roman, I am so sorry.” A silence stretches between us like a chasm, impossible and distant.
“Sorry you found out or sorry you kept it from me?” My tone is cutting and she looks back stricken. I’ve wounded her as much as she’s wounded me. It isn’t something you can make even or right. It just hurts all the same.
“Both, I guess. None of it will bring her back,” she mumbles quietly.
“The day they closed the case on her accident was the day he killed my father.”
“Roman!” Abby pleads with me and I shake her off roughly.
“My father died a slow death of a broken heart until it gave out while pruning her roses one morning. That’s how I found him, clutching those fucking thorny bushes to his chest, pricking the skin of his hands.” I can’t stand to be touched right now. Not by her, not by anyone.
“I’m so sorry.” She’s crying in earnest, and I can’t stand to look at her. I trusted her, and this is what is got me.
I back away with my hands in the air, holding her off. “I gotta go.” I grab my jacket and the car keys to my rental and get out of her condo. I jog down the steps to have her follow me barefoot onto the street.
“Stop running, Roman. We need to talk about this. Don’t ignore me.” Abby is insistent, grabbing my arm as I push her off me. I use the only thing I can to get her to leave me the fuck alone.
“I’m not running, Abby. That’s your thing.” I shake my head, almost sorry the moment it comes out of my mouth. Her shock is palatable and anger mars her beautiful face. A face I’ll have to learn to live without if we can’t figure this out. Running fingers through my hair, I back away to get in my car. “I need space.”
“Space or just away from me? Don’t leave like this.” Abby keeps taking steps toward the car, and I try holding her back by putting my hands up, warding her off.
“I can’t do this with you right now, Abigail.”
“You started it and now you’re pushing me away to punish me.” She’s standing on the sidewalk, feet curling into the dirty pavement, eyes downcast. She’s trying to imply I ran first all those years ago, well fuck her. I was a stupid kid. She is an adult and the two don’t compare.
“You keep telling yourself that. Poor little rich girl with all the problems in the world. I’m sure Daddy will fix it for you. Why don’t you take a good look around you and see things for how they really are.” I don’t even know what I’m saying at this point. We’re just volleying hurtful words back and forth in the street. I slam the car door and she jumps back from the curb, arms around her middle, looking as lost as I feel.
* * * * *
I drive my car for about ten minutes until I whip back around and drive past Abby’s house. I don’t want to leave her, but I can’t stay. I continue to loop around the block until I make the choice to drive home. I can’t stay here. I’ll drive to Gold Beach at least because I sure as shit can’t stay here where everything is all confusing and a trigger for the past. I love Abby. I still fucking love her. I’ll always love her, but I can’t take this information in right now. She kept this from me and giving my trust has blown up in my face.
The Pacific Coast Highway looms in my rearview mirror as I accelerate the car out of the city. I drive until the sun sets and even past that. Rain starts to drizzle, making the road slick and the headlights foggy along the coast. A part of me feels like I’m reliving that night all over again, forcing me to pull the car over and dry heave with anxiety. It’s then I realize I’m having a full-blown panic attack. I should have stayed with Abby to talk things out, but foolish pride makes me pull my shit together and keep driving to my house in Gold Beach alone.
Chapter Twenty-one
ABIGAIL
Roman left me.
I’ve been sitting on the floor of my apartment for three hours. After I watched his car drive off and round the corner, speeding away, I began to run after it for a few blocks. I stopped when I stubbed my toe on jagged concrete, cutting it open. It’s throbbing and bleeding, but I don’t care if it becomes infected. I limped the distance back to my condo and I haven’t stirred once. Sitting with my back is against the wall, hugging my knees, my blood stains my clothes and floor as I cry my heart to dust. He just left me. I
understand the concept, but it hurts so fucking bad.
I stare at the ceiling. My eyes feel gritty, my throat parched. I’m wondering how much longer I’m going to sit here when my phone rings. It’s not Roman because he’s the only one with a special ringtone. I crawl over the floor to the coffee table where my phone has sat silent all this time. Turning it over, I see the caller ID says it’s Leah. I swipe the face of the phone to answer the call.
“Abby, where are you? I thought you and Roman would be here an hour ago? Did you two stop for roadside sex?” Leah chuckles into the phone and the waterworks begin anew.
“H-he left me, Leah.” Starting to sob again, I hear her scrambling on the other end of the phone.
