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“I’m sorry I told you to grow up. I had a lot on my mind that morning in Miami and it was a crazy weekend.” She leaves a lot of things unsaid and we slip into comfortable silence born of being ex-roommates and best friends.
“I’m sorry I fucked it up by being so stupid and selfish.” And I genuinely am sorry. My friends are my family. To lose them would be another hard blow; however, it would be one of my own making.
“How’s everything else going?” I know she means Jack. I’m feeling better, but definitely not ready to deal with things just yet. I’ve told her about my issues with intimacy and, surprisingly, it was easier than I thought it would be.
“You know, if you continue having sexual problems, there’s a way to fix that.”
“Shelby, the last time we went to one of those stores, you picked out something that looked like a battery-operated dog toy. I think I’ll manage, but thanks.”
Honestly, since I’ve started talking more in my groups, I have a better understanding of why I wanted to feel so numb. It’s not perfect, but it’s a step in the right direction. Coming in here, I had a laundry list of things to work through, but now it’s more like a post-it note of the painful remainders.
We joke a bit more, then say our goodbyes. Shelby is leaving for Italy and won’t be home when I get out of this joint. Our gatherings will be minus one vivacious potty-mouth, and the change makes me sad. Ready or not, the world is going to thrust us out of the womb and into adulthood.
“I’m going to miss you like crazy.” We hold onto each other as my group session is called. Tears threaten and we hug harder, both trying to be strong.
“Call me when you land in spaghetti-town, you bitch.”
“I wouldn’t dream of not doing it.” She glances behind her. “Looks like my ride is here.” Glancing up, I see Jack. “Do you wanna say hello or something?” As handsome as ever, his blonde hair looks a little longer, and his blue eyes don’t sparkle nearly as much as I remember. Pain clangs in a chest filled with regrets of how poorly I treated him.
“Yeah…or something. Look, I gotta get to group. You know, the whole sort my shit out stuff.”
I knew he was driving Shelby to the airport. I don’t know why Aiden isn’t, but I don’t dare ask. There’s something going on with those two, but I have to get myself squared away before I can worry about anybody else.
“Gotcha. I’ll tell him you’re not mad anymore.” Winking, she skips off, leaving me there to stare after them. Shelby practically pushes Jack out the door. I kind of wish he would stay. Maybe fight for me like he fought for me before I screwed it all up.
Like a coward, I say nothing to Jack, whispering, “I love you, Shelby. See you on the flipside.” Leaning against the wall, I take a deep breath and tell myself this will get better. Other members of the group file into the room, some looking worse off than I do and some looking less invested. I want to be one of the invested ones. It just has to get better.
Jack
Shelby gets in the car and we drive down the long, tree-lined drive towards the main road of the center’s property. Finally, I can’t take it anymore. “She’s still pissed at me, huh?”
“I wouldn’t say that. I think she’s learning to take some accountability. You have to understand, Jack. Edie has been on her own from
day one. This thing, this horrible thing that happened to her, changed her. Aiden and I never really understood how much she was alone until all of this came out of nowhere.”
“So I shouldn’t feel too bad because she hid her life before college from everyone else, too?”
“I think the term they use is ‘introvert’.” Looking at her, I don’t think I ever took notice of how pretty Edith’s best friend is. I’m not attracted to her in that way, I definitely don’t cross those lines, but she is as light as Edith is dark, both in looks and personality.
I think hard about what Shelby has said. Daniel’s attack was born of something vicious, rocking all of us. The foundation we thought we were building was ripped out from under us. The things we were worried about before no longer seem as important as hoping Edith made it through another day. It’s a heady responsibility because there is not much I can do for her other than wait and see. The more I think about this, the more I get angry…with her, with myself, with Daniel, and with the world, in general. It’s all so fucking unfair, and I have a difficult time curbing my own emotions.
“Given how much danger she put herself in these last few weeks, I’d call it selfish and childish.” There’s a strange safety in being angry with Edith because then I’m not directing my efforts in hunting down Daniel and going to jail. She needs me out here more than she does in prison. I have a hard time grappling with the choice I make each day.
“Right, and I suppose the mighty Jack Hamilton was never a twenty-two-year-old male who made mistakes. Just how old were you when you were a student teacher?” Shelby’s confrontation burns. I was twenty-three, but that’s beside the point.
“That’s different. We were both fighting the attraction,” I grumble, heading back up the turnpike towards Newark airport. “We both knew it was wrong for so many reasons.”
“Yeah, but you were twenty-three and she was what? Seventeen, eighteen? Barely legal.” I can see the wheels turning in her head, but that wasn’t what happened between us back then. I hate that I have to justify something that was an innocent thing up until the kiss. Emotions, desire, whatever you want to call it, took over and we both lost control. Granted, I should have stopped it, never put myself in that position, but I can’t take it back. Honestly, I don’t think I would even if I could.
“Age of consent in New Jersey is sixteen, not that I was trying to do…that with her.” Shelby has a way of making you feel like an ass without even trying.
“So you’ve been harboring this guilt for years over something you didn’t do?” Did do, didn’t do… I’m sure we could argue semantics all day about what happened, but the truth is that Edith and I were the only two there who can speak of what happened. “How did you even end up at her school?”
Sighing, I know there’s no way around this. “I took the student teaching position at her school because it pissed off my parents.”
“Whoa. Come again?” She turns in her seat, looking at me.
“My parents have money, so I grew up able to do whatever I wanted. Call it a blessing and a curse.”
