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Best rubbed at his neck with a smirk. “Don’t mention it. I totally understand now. You don’t like her, and I should just stop talking about her.”
Blake gritted his teeth, but instead of rising to Best’s bait, he stormed out of the auditorium and toward study hall, where his squad was waiting for him.
Sparks had taken a few kids from each of the other squads and put them with Blake. So far, things had been going well. He had a pretty easy group of kids at the moment. There were eight of them, most of them in for drug offenses, and they had been more than willing to learn what he had to teach them as long as they didn’t have to go to juvie. Considering the shit they’d dealt with in the past, this was a cakewalk.
Blake stepped into the room they used for study hall, and they looked up from whatever they were working on.
“Hey, guys, wanna grab your dogs and meet me out back?”
“Yes, Sergeant.” Their chorus was followed by the sound of shuffling pages and books.
“Hey, Kline, walk with me for a second?” Sparks said behind him.
“Actually, hold that thought, guys. As you were.” Blake followed Sparks out into the hall, and the two of them walked toward the outside training area, neither saying anything.
“How are things going with Dr. Stabler?” Sparks asked.
“Isn’t there some kind of doctor-patient confidentiality?” Blake still hadn’t forgiven Sparks for recommending he do these therapy sessions.
“I’m just asking because of what just happened in the conference room with Best. I’ve never seen you put your hands on anyone like that.”
“He was being a douche. Besides, it’s not as though you haven’t tried to take out Best a time or two and vice versa.”
“That’s true, Best and I get into it, but you are always Mr. Calm and Cool. But it seems like you’re on edge the last couple of months.”
Blake grimaced, thinking about how he used to think Sparks’s and Best’s bouts of violence were unnecessary and stupid.
“I guess being around you guys is rubbing off on me.”
“Bullshit.”
“You know how Best gets up in everyone’s business. Seriously, I just grabbed the guy’s shirt. No big deal.”
“I know you’re pissed at me for recommending you see Dr. Stabler, but I really think you’ve got shit too heavy to carry on your own.”
Blake hesitated, knowing that Sparks wasn’t completely wrong. He did feel like he needed to talk to someone, and out of the members of their group, Sparks would be the guy to understand where he was with Hannah. Lord knew he’d fought his feelings for his girlfriend, Violet, hard enough.
“If I talk to you about something, I don’t want you telling the other guys.”
Sparks nodded, understanding in his dark eyes. “Shoot.”
“That girl, Hannah . . . I think I might have feelings for her.”
Sparks grinned and slapped him on the back. “That’s great, man. What’s the problem then?”
Blake sighed as they opened the back doors and walked toward the grass. “Every time I start to think about taking a step in that direction, I think about my wife.”
Sparks seemed to be contemplating this and finally said, “Shit, Kline, it’s been two years, and you’re not even thirty. I know you loved her and you guys had a long history, but I can’t imagine she wanted you to mourn her forever.”
“It’s me. I feel like I’m betraying her. I mean, if it was just about sex, that would be one thing, but with Hannah . . . I get up and I can’t wait to finish my run and get to Dale’s. Not even for the breakfast, but just to see her, hear her voice, and just listen to her talk, you know? She’s sweet and funny; she likes to make me laugh, and it makes me want to do it, if only to please her. Does that sound weird?”
“No, not at all. In fact, I’m not hearing a problem.”
“The problem is that I am afraid of taking a shot with her, realizing I’m really not ready, and hurting her. I’ve already done that once, and I just feel like it is better to keep things friendly and not cross that line until I’m sure.”
Sparks leaned against the wall across from him, crossing his arms over his chest as he watched him thoughtfully. “I get where you’re coming from, but how are you ever going to know if you are ready or not if you don’t put yourself out there? I did the same thing you’re doing; I tried to deny myself happiness because I felt like I needed to atone before I could move on with my life, but I was wrong. I just needed to forgive myself. You need to do the same, man. It wasn’t your fault Jenny was killed. Blame the man who shot her.”
“I do, every day. But what if that was it? What if what Jenny and I had was the best I’m ever going to have, and say I try with Hannah and can’t give her what she needs because I don’t have it in me anymore?”
