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Blake closed his eyes, trying to remember Jenny’s laughter, but the sound had faded over time to just a faint echo. He could still see her smile, her bright blue eyes, and the delight on her face the morning she’d told him she was pregnant.
Just a week before the shooting.
If the ache of losing the love of his life hadn’t been enough, the fact that she had died carrying his child had been brutal. He’d spent the better part of eight months with his face in a bottle at home, and when he was at work, he was getting in trouble for being hungover. His temper was short, he’d alienated most of his friends, and if he was being completely honest, he hadn’t even liked himself then.
He’d eventually ended up in the base drunk tank after starting a fight, and his CO, Captain Marshal, had come to see him. He’d been the one to suggest he transfer somewhere else, that he would handle everything, including therapy to help Blake move past it. At first he’d resisted, not wanting to leave everything that reminded him of Jenny, but then he’d taken a hard look at himself in the mirror. At the bloodshot eyes and sallow skin. He was no longer the man Jenny had loved, and he hated himself for failing her again.
So he’d let his CO organize his transfer to California, and his first day in group therapy, he’d met Best, Sparks, and Martinez. They’d bonded over their reluctance to talk in front of the others and struck up a friendship that felt more like family. It had been an amazing feeling, one he’d never shared with any of his other friends or even the members of his squad.
Which is why he trusted Sparks’s advice. He was right.
But, God, he was lonely. He’d tried to deny that he wasn’t, but it had hit him hardest over the holidays, when all of his friends had been celebrating with their girlfriends and their families, and he’d been alone. He hadn’t even bothered to get a Christmas tree, just sat in his apartment drinking beer and watching Christmas specials on TV and trying not to think about Jenny and their child. About how it would have been his or her second Christmas and all the traditions they would have performed just to make the holiday special.
It had been too depressing imagining what might have been.
The only thing that had eased the loneliness over the last year had been the guys and Hannah. Maybe that was why he’d come into Dale’s every day until he’d finally figured out her schedule. It seemed a little stalkerish, but he could finally acknowledge that she’d made him feel something sooner than last week, even if he couldn’t admit it to himself before. Walking in and seeing that shy, sunny smile had warmed him to his core, and he’d started craving it. Craving the way she slowly opened up, started to tease him and talk to him. About anything from the weather to the way the River Cats were playing. She’d been the thing that had helped pull him out of the dark, and he was afraid that if he took that step, if he took things to the next level with her—and ruined it—he’d lose that light.
And he didn’t think he could give it up.
“THAT IS A total cop-out, and you know it, Han!” Nicki was practically yelling through the phone as Hannah walked out to her car after work, her stomach still churning from the encounter with Blake. She knew he was in pain, she could read it in his eyes, even as he’d been about to kiss her.
If only she could help him realize that it was okay, that she wanted to take the chance and be with him, even if it didn’t work out. But she hadn’t been able to get the words out before he’d taken off.
“Men only use that bullshit excuse about needing time when they want to chase tail on the side! He is a total douche bag, and I’m just glad you know now, so you’re not hung up on him for months as he strings you along like a puppet! Man, I’d like to sever his balls with a spork.”
Hannah choked on a laugh. “A spork? That is a horrible visual, thanks. But honestly, Nic, I just think he’s sad. He’s lost a lot.”
“Do not make excuses. If he wants to avoid dating someone new, then he shouldn’t go around kissing women and giving them sultry looks!” Before Hannah could defend Blake again, Nicki continued, “Just forget about the chowderhead, Han. On Friday night, we’ll be looking hot and shaking it with sexy military men. Screw him.”
Hannah grimaced at the mention of the ball again. “You’re forgetting that he will be there.”
“Good. We’ll make him regret every word. Then we’ll see who the jealous one is.”
Hannah wanted to hop onto Nicki’s happy, cheer-up train, but she just wasn’t there yet.
“Seriously, Hannah, we will do whatever we need to in order to cleanse this man from your system. You are not going to pine. I will not allow it. Say it with me. ‘I shall not pine.’ ”
Hannah rolled her eyes and muttered, “I shall not pine.”
“Louder.”
“No, I’m sitting in my car in front of Dale’s—”
“Louder, woman! Let me hear the conviction!”
“I shall not pine!” She had to admit, it felt really good to yell out her frustrations.
“Good. Now, put him from your mind and think about all the cute guys we’re going to have drooling after us on Friday.”
That was easier said than done.
Chapter Sixteen
BLAKE SAT IN Dr. Stabler’s office that afternoon, waiting for her to call him back to her office to begin their session. He’d left Alpha Dog a little early to make it in time and ended up getting there a good fifteen minutes before his appointment. As he scrolled through his phone, his thumb hovered over the Kindle app, thinking of the books Hannah had recommended.
He still couldn’t believe he’d almost kissed her again, but in his defense, her plump lower lip had been almost too tempting to resist. He could still remember the way it softened under his mouth, her tongue gliding along his as they’d gotten lost in each other.
Knowing it would only ingrain Hannah further into his thoughts, he opened the Kindle app and tapped on the cover of one of the books she’d recommended. It was a contemporary sports romance, and the cover had a smiling couple who appeared to not be able to get enough of each other.
