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I need two things: a pharmacy and Annie.
I’m in and out of the pharmacy in just five minutes. Easy-peasy. On my way to Annie’s, I call and let her know I’m on my way.
She sounds tired, and I hate interrupting her morning, but this is an emergency.
“Hey,” she says when she opens the door. “What’s up? Why are you in town this early in the morning?”
“I know it’s your one day off, and I’m sorry, but I need a friend today.”
“No need to be sorry.” She ushers me in. “The kids just left for school, and the hubs is at the office, so it’s just you and me.”
“Good. That’s good.” I hold the plastic bag I brought with me in the air. “I need your bathroom.”
Annie’s eyes go round, and she stares at the bag, and then at me. “Remi.”
“I know. No, I don’t know, actually. Which is why I have four of these tests.”
“I hope you have to pee,” she says as she leads me down a hall to a bathroom. “Here you go.”
“Thanks. This shouldn’t take long.”
Okay, it takes longer than I thought because I have to read the instructions and figure out how to aim to pee on the stick, but ten minutes later, I open the door.
“Well?”
“I don’t want to look,” I admit with a sigh. “Seth’s not okay with a baby, Annie.”
“He said that?”
“No, but I saw it in his face this morning. Raging terror and uncertainty. He doesn’t want kids.”
“Well, if you’re pregnant, it just is what it is, and you’ll figure it out,” Annie says. “You love each other.”
“We’ve known each other for six minutes,” I whisper and close my eyes, praying fervently that I’m not pregnant. Not now.
“Hey. I knew my husband for five weeks when we got engaged. Sometimes, you just know. Besides, this whole conversation could be for nothing. It might be negative, and you’ve just got a stomach thing or hormonal shit going on.”
“Right.” I nod and pray with all my might that that’s the case. “Could it be hormonal shit? Either way, I think Seth and I need to have a serious conversation later.”
“I think, if you’re not pregnant, you need to decide if having a family is important to you. Because if it is, and you know that Seth doesn’t want children, that could be a deal-breaker for you two, Remi. You can’t expect someone to change their mind just because you love them and you wish it to be true.”
“No, I know that. You’re right. Okay, here goes nothing.”
I have the van packed and am ready to go. Seth should be home anytime, and I don’t know how this conversation will go. On the one hand, it could be fantastic. On the other, not so much. And I wanted to be prepared to leave just in case. I still have a space reserved at the RV park outside of town, where I spent the first few weeks I lived here.
I’ve scrubbed the bathroom and kitchen, mopped all the hardwood in the house, and did a ton of laundry. I even changed the sheets on the bed, and I just did that yesterday.
I had to direct my nervous energy somewhere.
Seth’s truck comes rumbling up the road, the tires crunching the gravel, and he parks in his usual spot. I walk out onto the porch, and he stops in his tracks, his dark eyes serious as he watches me, searching my face.
“Did you have a lot of fence to mend?” I ask as I sit on the swing and pull my feet up. Seth leans on the railing opposite me, still serious, still searching.
“Not too much. It was a good day to be on a horse. How was your day?”
I nod, looking out at the trees that separate Seth’s house from his parents’. “Fine.”
We’re silent for a moment, and then I look back at him and shake my head.
“No, it wasn’t fine. I’m not fine at all.”
“Talk to me, babe.”
Babe. It’s the first sign of hope that I’ve seen from him since this morning.
“I know that the idea of kids isn’t high on your list of good things,” I begin. “And I’ve never really thought that I’d have a family, either. It definitely wasn’t in my plans or even on my radar.”
“You’re pregnant,” he says.
“I didn’t say that.” He’s not showing any emotion on his face at all. He’s not giving anything away, and I hate that I feel so distant from him. I hate it. “But I think, at some point, whether I’m pregnant right now or not, I want kids, Seth.”
“Did you take a test?”
“Four of them,” I confirm. “I spent all morning at Annie’s house, drinking water and peeing on sticks.”
“And?”
“I’m not pregnant.”
“Oh, thank God.” He hangs his head in relief, and I just sit here, staring at him.
