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He is seeing straight through me and I know it.
“Take off the sunglasses, Raegan. Please.”
“No.” I’m trembling. “I can’t.”
His massive hand reaches for mine as he stares into my eyes, begging me to trust him. Trust isn’t easy for me, but I have to take that leap. He already knows shit at home isn’t all rainbows and butterflies.
At last, I let out a huge breath and slowly remove the glasses. They aren’t even halfway off when his eyes widen and several cuss words fly from his lips.
“That’s not from Marley. What the hell happened, Raegan?”
“Please, Howard, I can’t train. What am I supposed to say to them? I can’t do it. It’s not from her and everyone knows it.”
The tears I’ve been fighting come out all at once and Howard moves across the room and wraps his big burly arms around me. He’s telling me things will be okay, and for some reason I believe him.
“You and I will train when no one else is here until that disappears. If they ask where you are, leave that to me, I’ll handle it. Are you okay at home? You can crash with me and Whitney or we can find you somewhere safe until you’re on your feet. I’m not okay with any of this going on, especially that.” He releases me, and points at my eye. I hang my head in shame. “No one’s going to be here for at least two hours. Are you up to getting out there for a little today?”
“I am, but what about Whitney? She’s going to see.”
“She won’t say anything to anyone, I’m here to focus on you and help you. You can trust us.”
Looking into his eyes, I know he is right. “Let’s do this.”
I leave the glasses in the office and step out onto the mat with him.
“Okay, I’m going to throw some hits and you block them. Keep your hands up at all times; don’t let me get one in. Stay on guard.”
I nod my head and immediately get into the zone. He throws three hits that I block and almost takes me down but I swing back and knock him in his jaw. He grins and we go at it again until sweat is dripping from my forehead. I catch him off guard and take him down for the win. What he doesn’t know is that with every punch I throw or block, I don’t picture Howard in front of me. All my energy is focused on seeing Dad coming at me; in my imagination, I come out on top every time.
“That’s how you do it, Raegan. Perfect.” He pulls himself off the mat and I can hear Whitney laughing as she approaches us.
“The weight bench is set for her when you’re ready.” Howard nods at her, and for the first time I face her without the sunglasses. I can see the pity on her face, and I hate it. I don’t stop her as she throws her arms around my neck.
“Oh my God, Raegan, are you okay?”
“I will be. Please don’t tell your brother anything. Howard knows what’s going on.”
“Stay with us, please, I’m worried about you.” She glances at Howard, and he just nods, almost as if he hopes I’ll say yes.
“Whitney, I’ll be fine. This is why I’m here.”
“I won’t say anything to Garrett but he’s not going to settle for that, I’m just letting you know.”
“I don’t want him to think I’m avoiding him but he can’t see me like this.” A tear threatens to fall but I am tired of feeling sorry for myself. I control my destiny.
Howard breaks up our girl talk to get me focused on training. Whitney follows like a little puppy to the weight bench and I grunt as I do five reps. Howard increases the weights by only a few pounds two reps in, and I can feel the burn through my arms. Between talking and training, we’ve burned an hour and a half and I know it’s time to go before anyone arrives, especially Garrett.
“Same time tomorrow, Raegan. Be careful. You know where we are if you need anything.”
“Thank you so much, Howard. You have no idea how much any of this means to me.”
I grab the sunglasses off the desk and wave to both of them before going back into the world. The world that constantly reminds me of everything I don’t want to be reminded of.
Lance pulls up just as I get into my truck. He looks like hell. I remember seeing him at the bar last night and he was quite hilarious.
“Hey, Raegan, where are you going?”
“Home. I came in a little early today.”
