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I finally make it outside where I can hear. Raegan and Garrett are walking up, and the look on my face causes them stop and watch me, as if wondering what’s going on.
“Dad, is everything okay?”
I’m about ready to run and jump into my truck when Dad’s voice comes through the speaker, broken and full of tears. “Your mom just passed, son. I’m so sorry to have to tell you this over the phone. She went peacefully.”
I’m not sure if he’s still talking, because I don’t hear anything. The phone slips from my hands, crashing against the concrete. “Motherfucker!” I yell, bringing myself to the ground.
Garrett immediately rushes to my side pulling me close. He knows what happened. I don’t need to tell him. I did the same thing for him when both his parents were killed. My whole world seems to vanish. We all knew this day was coming, but I was never ready for it. Nothing could prepare me for it. My mom isn’t here anymore. She’ll never be there to see me find the perfect girl, or have her grandchildren running around the front yard. I need to get home to Dad. I’m suddenly frantic with worry. They’ve been married twenty-five years, and now he’s all alone.
Raegan meets me on the other side, wrapping her arm around my waist. “I’m so sorry, Lance.” She has no idea what those words mean to me.
I want to thank her, but the tears continue cascading down my cheeks. Mom put up a damn good fight. I was so proud of her for never giving up.
“Let us drive you home, man. Raegan and I can get your truck to you later. You don’t need to be driving like this.” He is right. I am in no shape to get behind the wheel of a vehicle.
I say nothing, because words don’t seem like enough right now. Numbly, I let them lead me to Garrett’s truck. He turns the volume on the stereo down as I climb in. Raegan sits in the back beside me, and I rest my head on her shoulder. The tears have yet to cease, and she just cradles me like a baby. My heart is broken, shattered into a million pieces. Loneliness is invading me and if it weren’t for my friends, there’s no way I could shake it.
Garrett pulls into the driveway and panic hits me. Reality sets in. I’m terrified. “I can’t go in there.”
My tear-stained eyes meet Raegan’s, and she lets a sob escape. She’s been so strong for me and I love her for it. “Lance, you have us. Everything is going to be okay. Your dad needs you right now.”
“We’re here for you, brother,” Garrett says. “I love you.”
“I love you too, Garrett. I can’t breathe, though. Everything is caving in.”
“Let’s get you inside, Lance,” Raegan says softly, opening the door.
The warm air hits me, almost knocking the rest of my breath away. Garrett wraps his arm around my shoulder and leads me to the front door of my house. Sobs wrack my body as Raegan opens the door. Dad’s there. Our eyes lock.
This is not how I pictured my night to go. I was supposed to talk to Hilary, and fix things with her. Instead, my mom died.
My dad is sitting in his chair in the living room with his head in his hands. He looks up for a moment and sees me. His eyes are as bloodshot as mine and my fucking heart is breaking. He stands and walks briskly to me, pulling me into him. His strong arms hold me tight and I allow myself to fall apart again.
“She’s better now, son. She’s in a better place,” he whispers.
“I know, but it fucking hurts. It hurts right here.” I clench my fist against my heart. “It wasn’t supposed to be this way.”
He holds me for what feels like an eternity. I can’t look around too much without the sorrow hitting me again. It’s like a ton of bricks every damn time.
“She was so proud of you for everything you’ve done, Lance. I hope you know that,” Dad tells me.
“I hope you’re right, Dad. I just, I can’t believe this is really happening.”
When he breaks the hug, I have to remind myself to remain standing. My strength is slowly fading but I know I have to continue to be strong for Dad. Raegan steps forward and offers help for anything we may need. Dad tells her how much we appreciate it. And we do, more than she will ever know.
This was the last place I wanted to be when I heard the news, but now I know this is the only place I want to be. I’m surrounded by my dad and my best friends. With them, I have all I need to survive this fucked up shit I’ve been dealt.
***
The next few days pass in an agonizing manner. There’s so much crap to take care of between planning the funeral services and just trying to remember to breathe. Besides what is left of my immediate family here with me, my gym family never leaves my side and they will never fully know just how thankful I am. My palms are sweaty along with the rest of my body. This dress shirt is suffocating me, but I leave it alone. I want to unbutton every button and let it hang open, but I can’t.
I glance over toward the casket where my sweet mom lies. I haven’t gotten the courage to approach it yet. Last night at the visitation, I stayed as far away as I could. I know I need to make my peace but it’s harder than I thought.
“You have to go up there eventually, Lance.” Raegan’s soft voice breaks through my thoughts.
I turn to face her and stick my hands in my pockets. My face is firm and I refuse to break. She reaches over to pat my shoulder. Her hand lingers for a moment and she offers me a sympathetic smile. “I know it’s hard. I’ll walk up there with you, if you’d like.”
Taking a deep breath, I slowly remove my hands from my pockets. Raegan reaches out, and I let her pull my hand into hers. She gives my hand a small squeeze, and my confidence begins to build up.
