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Cold panic wells inside me. Christ, did I hurt her? I let go of her hands and step back. “Shit. I’m sorry.”
“Ash?” Her voice is small.
“Are you okay?” My chest feels too tight. “I haven’t hurt you, have I? I’m—”
“Ash.” Stronger now. Her hands catch my face, turn it toward her. Her eyes are dark with something I can’t name. I think she looks sad. “Listen to me.”
I nod.
“You haven’t hurt me at all. I would’ve said something if you did. I promise you that, okay?”
I nod again. Shoving a hand through my hair, I step out of the shower stall and grab a towel, holding it out for her. She lets me wrap her in it, biting her lip. It makes me want to pick up where we left off, but panic still threatens at the edge of my reason. I need a moment.
Fucked-up timing.
Or is it? Would I scare her more if I continued? Jesus. I’m driving myself up the fucking wall with my doubts.
She stands with her long hair dripping, a question in her eyes, and I don’t know how to fucking answer it. Yeah, I’m a fuck-up. But I’d never hurt her. Not on purpose.
I’m not what she expected me to be. I hope I’m not. I’m not my father.
“I know you’re not,” s
he says quietly.
Fuck, I said it out loud.
I grab another towel from the rack and dry my head roughly. Yeah, I really need a moment. I’ve lost every scrap of control I thought I had. The hard-earned lessons, my hard decisions, they’re all crumbling around me.
I want this girl like nothing else in the world—not just her perfect body, but her arms around me, her softly spoken words of comfort. The feeling I have when I’m with her.
That I’ve been alone in the world without her. That I’ve come back home.
And that’s the problem. Because it’s an illusion I can’t afford. I haven’t hurt her yet, but I’ll do so soon, one way or another.
***
“Ash?”
“Hm?” I stop in the act of pulling my jeans back on.
“What’s on your mind?” she asks softly.
The truth? That for so long I’ve felt empty inside. That she’s always held my heart. That I’m not what she needs.
“I have something I need to do tonight,” I say.
I don’t want to see her face, but she sighs, and I look up. Disappointment. She probably wanted me to say something good after fooling around with her, maybe ask her to stay the night with me, and there’s nothing I’d have liked more.
But I can’t.
“That’s fine. I’ve got stuff to do, too,” she says and I have to look away. She’s putting on a brave front, but I can see the pain in her eyes.
She’ll be okay. We haven’t even fucked.
Seriously, Ash?
I rake my fingers through my hair and tug, hard. I’m doing the one thing I hate: I’m hurting her.
