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“What else do I have for today?” I ask Sylvia.
“A meeting with Accounting at six.”
I look at my watch. That gives me more than two hours to spend with Leah. Enough time. True, I still have reports to read so I can finish my own report for the meeting with the board of directors tomorrow, but I can continue with that later.
I close my laptop. “Send her in.”
She enters my office wearing a denim dress embroidered with yellow flowers. Is that what she was wearing earlier? The flip flops- definitely not. Still, she strides in with confidence. No urgency, like Sylvia said. Just confidence.
I get out of my chair. “How was the party?”
She walks right up to me. “Don’t ask.”
“That bad, huh?”
She does look a bit upset, but if she doesn’t want to talk about it, what does she want to talk about?
I touch her cheek. “What’s wrong?”
Leah looks into my eyes. “I know what happened… to Nadine.”
I flinch at the name. My hand drops to my side. My gaze narrows.
“Who told you? Fiona?”
“It doesn’t matter,” she tells me. “What matters is that I know the truth. And I’m glad I do.”
She gazes at me tenderly as she takes my hand. I pull away.
“You know nothing.”
How can she possibly know what I’ve been through, even if she did find out what happened to Nadine?
“I know that you cared about her, that you thought of her like a sister.”
Fiona is definitely the one who told her.
“I know that you think it’s your fault that she fell for you. It’s not. You were just kind to her, and there’s nothing wrong with that. You were probably the first person to be kind to her in a long time. That’s why she became fond of you.”
I snort. “Is that Fiona told you? That she became fond of me?”
That’s a quaint way of putting it.
“I know she became obsessed with you.”
That’s more accurate.
“And that’s not your fault. She wasn’t thinking straight. She was probably already… unhinged before she came to you. And the pregnancy only made things worse.”
I give a snide laugh. “What? Are you a psychiatrist now?”
“No,” Leah answers. “I just know that no one would choose to be in my shoes unless she was lost, unless she’d been through hell.”
I fall silent because her answer actually makes sense.
“And I know how a pregnant woman thinks and feels. You just can’t help but worry about everything. Your mind plays tricks on you. And your emotions just spill all over the place. You could easily go crazy. I mean, look at two of the other prizes I met today. They definitely had a few screws loose. Even I feel like I might go crazy sometimes.”
And yet she looks completely under control right now.
“I’m not saying she was a bad person,” Leah goes on. “I’m saying she was hurting. Bad. That’s why she couldn’t bring herself to be grateful or content with the kindness you showed her. She wanted more. She had to have more. But no matter how much you gave her, she would never be satisfied because what was missing was inside her, not outside.”
I say nothing.
“You realized that, didn’t you? That’s why you started stepping away.”
I frown as I lean on the edge of my desk. “I thought it would help her. I thought if I gave her some space, some breathing room…”
“She’d realize that she was doing something wrong? That she’d get a grip on herself?”
“But she only got worse.”
“That wasn’t your fault,” Leah tells me as she stands in front of me. “She should have realized that she was doing something wrong. The fact that she didn’t just goes to show how unstable, how delusional she had become. She couldn’t blame herself. And she couldn’t blame you. But she had to blame someone, so she took it out on the baby.”
A knot forms in my throat as I remember her standing at the top of the stairs just before she threw herself down. I swallow.
“After that, the Council took her away, right?” Leah asks. “I heard they sent her for psychiatric treatment. I’m sure they did all they could for her.”
“But it wasn’t enough.” I shake my head. “It was already too late. I should have known something was wrong with her sooner. I should have sent for a psychiatrist when Fiona suggested it.”
“Do you really think a psychiatrist can help someone who doesn’t want to be helped? They’re not miracle workers, Gavin.”
“You’re saying Nadine couldn’t have gotten better.”
“I’m saying that even if she did see that psychiatrist, things could still have ended the same way,” Leah says. “I’m saying you did all you could.”
I look away.
She grabs my hands. “Look at me, Gavin.”
I stay still.
“Look at me.”
Slowly, I turn my head to meet her gaze. She squeezes my hands.
“What happened to Nadine, everything that happened to Nadine, was not your fault. All you ever did was help her, care for her, try to do what was best for her, try to save her, even. But you can’t save everyone. That’s a fact. Still, you can’t blame yourself for trying.”
