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Especially when someone pushes me from behind, throwing me down on my face, when booted feet kick at me as I roll in the snow, as I twist this way and that, trying to get away, trying to wake up from the nightmare and failing.
This time, when it’s over, there’s nobody there to take me home.
Chapter Fourteen
Cassie
Nerves flutter in my stomach as I park outside Shane’s building. I’m lucky I found a spot. The pizzeria is crowded, and the smell wafting out of the entrance is mouthwatering.
Nerve-wracking item number one: I’m going to the wedding of one of the Inked Brotherhood and Damage Boyz family. The guys who have only just opened their doors again to me. What if I screw up? What if they decide I’m not good enough anyway?
What would that mean about me and Shane?
God, Cassie. Is there a “me and Shane?” Are we together? He never says what he feels. If he feels anything for me.
Which brings me to nerve-wracking item number two:
I’m going with Shane.
Trying to play it cool with him isn’t working. Never has. He’s too beautiful, too intense, too hurt. He has my heart in such a grip he can crush it with a look, or a word.
I’ve never been so out of my depth in my whole life.
Men want into your panties, Mom always said. They want a taste of what’s between your legs. Once they get it, you’re history. Don’t trust men. Use them, have your pleasure, but love… that’s for stupid girls with romantic fantasies filling their empty little heads. Men aren’t worth it. Don’t let them stick around.
Okay, Cass?
I turn off the engine and rest my forehead on the wheel, on top of my hands, my big silver earrings brushing my cheeks. I’ve lived by my mother’s words for years, by her example.
But Shane is different. He’s different from any other guy I’ve ever met. I didn’t know that was possible, didn’t realize that love can break you, bend you into something else.
Into what you once were, before the world fell apart. Back when you trusted and hoped and lived for tomorrow.
With a sigh, I grab my purse and get out of the car. It’s dry today, but chilly. I glance up at Shane’s window. It’s dark.
I don’t know what I’m doing with him. I’m so damn proud of him for fighting his nightmares, for trying out things, having sex with me even if it brings those same nightmares back. I’m so caught up in him, so drawn to him. I feel so easy in my skin around him. His scent, his body, his eyes, his mouth, his voice, those tiny smiles when he’s really pleased… I love everything about him.
But he probably doesn’t feel that way about me.
He needs my help. He’s trying things out with me. I’m safe. I’m his friend. Also, I’m the girl who never says no to a boy. So he’s not afraid of hurting my feelings.
He likes me more than other girls, Seth said. Is that enough? What happens when he gets better? When he doesn’t need me anymore?
Geez, I dropped huge-ass hints—about love, about being there for him. Opened my legs for him, let him come inside me without a frigging condom. Told him I’ve never done this with anyone before—and he said nothing.
Never before was my body an extension of my soul, of my feelings, until now.
Maybe he just can’t do this right now. Or ever. Maybe he doesn’t want to die, like Angel did, but maybe he can’t feel much anymore. I’ve heard such stories.
But I can’t believe it of Shane. If anything, sometimes there’s so much emotion in his eyes I wonder how he can bear it.
Lost in thought, I ride the elevator and stand in front of his door. I lift my hand to knock, then remember the key and fish it out of my pocket.
I think of how distraught Manon was when I admitted I had feelings for Shane, months ago. How concerned Seth was when I said Shane had kissed me.
I should pull back a little, save myself.
Instead I unlock the door and step inside, like every time. Because when it comes to Shane, I keep coming back.
