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Emily’s right. I can’t do this alone. I’ve been fooling myself into thinking I can. I’ve been able to do it so far, after all. But can I really say I’ve been successful when I’ve sacrificed so much? How much more do I have to give up?
I rest my head against the wall and clutch my chest. I deserve to be happy, I know that. I deserve to have a life. I want to have a life. I love Shanna, sure, but she can’t be everything to me. I want more. I deserve more.
You don’t have to stop living.
That’s what Emily said. Why did I? Why did I give up on myself? Maybe that’s why I want Dax to give up on me. Because that’s what I’ve done. And now, I realize I don’t want to.
God, I don’t want to.
Suddenly, Shanna starts bawling. Again. I let out a groan before picking her up and starting to rock her back and forth. This time, tears streak down my cheeks as well. And through the cracks in my chest. Silently.
I’ve already given up so much. I can’t give up myself.
But what if it’s already too late?
~
“Sorry I’m late,” I issue the apology to my father as soon as I walk in through the front door. “There was a long line at – ”
I stop in the living room as I realize my father isn’t listening. He’s busy watching TV, laughing along with the recorded track after a funny scene. Standing next to the couch, Dax has Shanna contentedly sucking on her pacifier in his arms.
“Hello, Jenna,” he greets me as our gazes meet.
Dax is here?
Wait. Dax is here.
Alarms sound off inside my head. Quickly, I put my bag of groceries down and take Shanna from him.
“What are you doing here?” I ask as I position Shanna on my hip.
“I dropped by to see you,” Dax answers. “I brought a souvenir from the museum. I realized you didn’t get one.”
He glances at the coffee table, where I see a box. Just for that?
“Your father said you were out and he asked me if I wanted to come in,” Dax goes on. “He seemed like he was having trouble with your niece so I stepped in. Then he started watching TV. I realized your TV was new.”
“Yeah. He just bought it.”
“He had some questions about it. I answered them and then fixed some settings to enhance the quality of the sound and the picture.”
My eyebrows arch. “I didn’t know you knew so much about TVs.”
He just raises his own eyebrows at me.
Right. Of course he would. He’s an engineer. He used to tinker with my phone and my laptop, after all, so I’m sure a TV isn’t beyond him.
“Thanks,” I tell him.
“I signed him up for Netflix as well,” Dax adds.
Right.
“And what else did you and my dad talk about?” I ask him.
How much does he know? What did my dad tell him?
Dax shrugs. “Nothing. Your dad isn’t very chatty.”
No, he isn’t. Even when he’s drunk, he doesn’t speak much. He just stares blankly into space, drowning in his thoughts, and then falls asleep.
I guess this is one of the times I should be grateful for that.
“Besides,” Dax adds. “He’s not who I came here to talk to.”
Ah. Just as I thought, he’s here to talk to me. I guess “leave me alone” wasn’t direct enough?
I give Shanna to my dad.
“Sorry, Dad, but can you pause that for a bit? I need you to watch Shanna.”
“Just press the pause button on the remote,” Dax instructs him.
He nods and does that.
I point a finger at Dax. “You, come with me.”
I lead him past the kitchen and out to the patio.
“I thought I told you to leave me alone,” I tell Dax as soon as he closes the back door behind him.
“You did,” he agrees.
“And yet you come here and make friends with my dad. Do you think that’s fair?”
“I think you’re the one who’s being unfair.”
“Me?” I cross my arms over my chest.
How am I the one being unfair?
“You know I didn’t want to leave,” Dax says. “I had to.”
“It doesn’t matter what your intentions were, Dax. You left.” I touch my forehead. “Seriously, are we going to go through this again?”
“Just give me another chance, Jenna,” he tells me.
So he’s demanding now?
I shake my head. “No.”
I know what Emily told me. I’ve realized she’s right. For both our sakes, I shouldn’t turn him away for good, not when he’s knocking at a door that isn’t completely shut. But I’m still not going to lay down the red carpet for him. Hell no.
“I have my own private lodge at a ski resort and it’s still early in the year so I have a few days off,” Dax says. “Come with me.”
What? Is he crazy?
“I don’t ski,” I tell him.
