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What am I supposed to do?
Earlier, when Dax walked in, I felt so nervous I thought I would explode. Now, I’m just worried about him, about us. I’m starting to get a sinking feeling in my stomach, and I don’t like it.
Is this really how this year is going to end? Not if I have anything to say about it – which I do.
I will.
I set down my glass of wine, turn off the TV and face Dax. “Okay, out with it.”
His chiseled features twist to give me a quizzical look. “What?”
“You’re not yourself,” I tell him outright. “So unless the real Dax Bender has been abducted and I’m with an alien right now, you have to tell me what’s bothering you.”
Dax goes from puzzled to amused. “You think I’m an alien?”
Finally, a glimmer of the old Dax.
“Well, you’re definitely spacing out,” I answer.
“And what makes you think the real Dax Bender would be so easily abducted?”
I shrug. “Well, he’d definitely be a target, being the outstanding male specimen he is.”
Dax snorts.
It’s true. I’ve seen the way the other girls look at him. It’s like the way I looked at him the first time I saw him in the university library. He was standing, leaning against the wall with a pen between his lips and a book in his hand. I was sitting at a table with the people who had invited me to the study group, which Dax turned out to be part of. Even before we were introduced, my gaze was already inexplicably drawn to him. My fingers were itching to comb through his thick, dark hair, which ironically seemed a perfect mess. My palms yearned to explore the muscles beneath his maroon sweater. My teeth wanted to sink into his pen.
When we were introduced, he barely smiled. During the study group, he hardly spoke. I should have forgotten he was there, but I didn’t, not for one second. For his part, I thought he didn’t even notice me, which is why I was surprised when he followed me out of the library after I left the group. He pointed out a mistake he said I’d made. We argued. We took out sheets of paper and compared computations. We argued some more. We reached an impasse. He asked me if I wanted coffee. I said yes before I could think.
I thought he was too good to be true then. I still do. That’s why I worry I might lose him any moment, though I’m going to do everything I can to keep that from happening.
I raise a finger. “But I didn’t say he’d be easily abducted.”
“Just abducted and replaced by an alien,” Dax says as he folds his arms behind his head and leans back on the couch. “Lucky you, since you love aliens.”
I frown. “I never said that.”
“Really?” His thick eyebrows crease. “Didn’t you say you’d love to meet one?”
Did I? Well, I might have mentioned it when I was reading one of my books set in space.
“That’s not the same thing,” I point out.
“And didn’t you use to have a crush on that pointy-eared guy from Star Trek?”
I sigh. “That’s just one alien.” One very attractive alien. “And you’re not answering my question.”
He meets my gaze. “What question?”
I roll my eyes. “I was asking what’s bothering you since you seemed… off. But you seem fine now.”
Dax falls silent.
I place my hand over his. “Are you?”
He looks away.
I squeeze his hand. “Dax, if there’s something on your mind, you can tell me. You know I’m here for you.”
Still nothing.
My jaw clenches. I hate this. He’s shutting me out. Again.
He’s done this before. Just this year, during the summer break, I didn’t hear from him for a week, and when I did, all he said was that he had to do some stuff for his mom – I don’t even know her name – and he was going to be away for a few more weeks. He didn’t say what, and when I finally saw him again, he wouldn’t say a word about it. I wasn’t brave enough to pry.
Before that, whenever I asked Dax about why he started college late or why he took a semester off, he’d seal away the topic like it was nuclear waste. There were some phone calls he refused to discuss, too. And he’s never given me any details about his childhood, even though I’ve given him plenty about mine.
I backed down before, thinking I was respecting his privacy, that I was behaving like a good girlfriend should. Besides, it didn’t seem fair for me to demand something of him when I was denying him something.
Well, that ends now. Good or bad, I’m Dax’s girlfriend. We’re in a relationship. If we want to keep this going, we have to trust each other more, to let each other in instead of pushing each other away.
