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Dax sighs. “See. This is why I didn’t want to tell you.”
“Because you didn’t want me to try and change your mind?”
“Because I can’t stand you being overdramatic,” Dax says. “Or making a fuss about things.”
Overdramatic? What? Am I just supposed to sit still and put on a smile? Kiss him on the cheek, maybe, and send him on his way?
“I’m not making a fuss,” I tell him. “I’m putting up a fight.”
“Yeah, we’re fighting, which is not how I wanted us to end.”
I fall silent. Is that why he was trying to avoid a confrontation earlier? Because he wanted us to part amicably? Because he wanted our last memory together to be amazing? So he’s been planning this. How long? Days? Weeks? How long has he been planning on ending us?
“So you were just going to have sex with me and then leave?” I ask.
“No.” Dax shakes his head. “I didn’t plan on having sex with you tonight.”
“Oh. I’m sorry I messed up your plans.”
He frowns. “Jenna…”
“So why did you have sex with me, hmm?”
“Because you asked me to,” he answers.
“Oh, so it’s my fault?” I point a finger at my chest.
“It’s not a mistake, so no one’s at fault.”
“But it is a mistake.” I raise my finger. “You see, I thought I was having sex with my boyfriend, with the man I love, with a man who loves me.”
“I – ”
“But guess what? He’s not that man. He’s leaving me. What kind of man would have sex with his girlfriend and leave her anyway like she’s just some old, stained shirt?”
Dax clenches his jaw. “That’s not what’s happening, Jenna. You’re being unfair.”
I cross my arms over my chest. “So I’m overdramatic and unfair. All the more reason for you to leave me, right?”
“You’re making it sound like I used you. I didn’t. I did care about you. I still do. I just… can’t stay.”
“Can’t or won’t?”
He lets out a deep breath as he places his hands on his hips. Then he meets my gaze.
“I’m leaving, Jenna.”
I look away. “I already got that.”
“I’m sorry, but…”
“You’re not sorry.” I shake my head and look into his eyes. “Not enough. And even if you apologize a hundred times more, it still won’t be enough.”
Because sorry isn’t what I want to hear. Sorry is for something that’s already done. I don’t want us to be done.
Please just let Dax say he didn’t mean a word he said. Let him say he won’t leave after all, or that he’ll come back for me, or that he’ll wait for me. I don’t care if a long-distance relationship is all we can have as long as I still have him.
Please don’t throw me away.
“Fine,” Dax says.
Fine? Hope springs in my chest.
“Hate me.”
What?
“If that’s what will help you feel better.”
My eyes grow wide with disbelief. Feel better? How is that supposed to make me feel better? How is anything supposed to make me feel better?
“Goodbye, Jenna.”
Dax holds my gaze for a second, then walks past me. I watch him as he puts on his shoes. The sound of Velcro sticking into place seems like a dagger slashing the heavy silence over the room. Then he grabs his coat and walks towards the door. My feet move forward of their own accord. My hands curl into fists.
Don’t go, I want to say. I want to shout.
Instead, I ask, “Why did you tell me?”
He stops.
“You said you weren’t going to tell me. Why did you?”
Dax turns his head, but not enough to glance over his shoulder. “Because you just gave me something really special, something I’ll never forget.”
He means the sex?
“Because having sex with you is one of the best things I’ve ever known.”
I don’t know how to react to that. All I’m thinking is it can’t have been that special. It can’t have been that good. Otherwise, he wouldn’t be leaving.
“Goodbye, Dax.”
He nods and leaves the apartment without another word. As the door clicks shut, I feel the crack in my heart finally split open.
I clutch my aching chest as I take off my glasses before they get drenched with tears. I put them on the coffee table, then drop myself on the couch, the couch where Dax and I just had sex. Amazing sex. I should have known it was too good to be true.
I should have known this was too good to be true.
Ah, but I knew it. I just didn’t want to believe it, because for once in my life, I had someone I felt I belonged with, someone who saw and understood me, who made me brave and strong, who I could bare my soul to.
Someone I wanted to have around forever.
But he’s gone now.
Dax is gone.
The explosion of fireworks welcoming the new year outside my window masks the sound of my sobs as I fall apart.
