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Yes. He’d offer himself to her in a split second, no thought needed. But he couldn’t gauge her mood, and the possibility that she might not be entirely serious made him cautious.
‘I just meant that you can’t allow this to stop you from taking what you want from life. You deserve a lot more than this.’
* * *
The sudden anger wasn’t something that Flora usually felt. There was dull regret and the occasional throb of pain, but this was bright and alive. And it hurt, cutting into her like a newly sharpened blade.
‘And that’s why you brought me up here, is it? To take me apart, piece by piece?’ On this hilltop, with the village laid out below them like a child’s toy, it felt as if she could sense the world spinning. And it was spinning a great deal faster at the thought that Aksel wanted to know what made her tick.
‘I brought you here because...it’s possible to walk away from the everyday. To see things more clearly than you might otherwise. And because I wanted to know why someone as beautiful and accomplished as you are seems so sad.’
No. She couldn’t hear this. Aksel needed to take the rose-coloured spectacles off and understand who she really was.
‘I’m not sad. I just see things the way they are.’
‘That no one’s ever going to accept you for who you are? That’s just not true, Flora.’
‘Well that’s not my experience. And for your information, I didn’t give up on men completely, I just...approach with caution.’
He shook his head, giving a sudden snort of laughter. ‘I’ve never thought that sex was much like stopping at a busy road junction.’
Trust Aksel. But his bluntness was always refreshing. She’d been skirting around the word and now that he’d said it... They were talking about sex. And unless Flora was very much mistaken, this wasn’t a conversation about sex generally, it was about the two of them having sex. Despite all the reasons why it shouldn’t, the thought warmed her.
‘I’m not going to have sex with you, Aksel. I can’t...’ Flora didn’t have the words to tell him why and she buried her face in her hands in frustration.’
‘You don’t have to give me any reasons. No is enough.’
Not many men took rejection the way that Aksel did. He’d pushed her on so many other things but this was where he drew the line. His smile let slip a trace of regret, but he accepted what she said as her final answer.
It wasn’t final, though. Everything they were to each other, all the things they’d shared came crashing in on Flora. She couldn’t let him believe that she didn’t want him. The problem was hers, and she had to own it.
‘It’s not you. It’s me.’
‘It’s a good decision, Flora. We’ve both been hurt. I’m leaving in five weeks, and you’ll be staying here.’
And despite all that she wanted him. Maybe because of it. A relationship that had to end in five weeks didn’t seem quite so challenging as something that might end because her genetic make-up, something she couldn’t change, wasn’t deemed good enough.
‘But I want to explain...’
His face softened suddenly. ‘There’s no better place to do that than at a camp fire.’
‘After Tom left me I had a few no-strings affairs, with men I knew. I thought it would help me get over him, but...they just didn’t turn out right.’ Flora couldn’t bring herself to be more specific than that. She was broken, and even Aksel couldn’t mend her.
‘They ended badly?’ Aksel came to the wrong conclusion, which was hardly surprising. She was going to have to explain.
‘No, they ended well, it was all very civilised. But things didn’t work physically. For me, I mean...’
He was looking at her steadily. She could almost see his brain working, trying to fit each piece of the puzzle together, and when he did, she saw that too.
‘I think that when two people have sex, an orgasm is something that you create together.’
Sex and orgasm. All in the same sentence and without a trace of embarrassment or hesitation. That made life a lot easier.
‘I don’t want to fake it with you, Aksel. And that’s all I know how to do now.’
Tears began to roll down her cheeks. She wanted to be with him, and all that she’d lost hurt, in a way it never had before. Flora heard the scrape of Aksel’s all-weather jacket as he reached for her, and she shied away.
‘The way I see it is that we have a connection. I don’t know why or how, but I do know that I want to be close to you, in whatever way seems right. Do you feel that?’ The tenderness in his face made her want to cry even more.
