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He took one ragged breath, his gaze tender. ‘All I’ve been thinking about lately is a future with you, Anna. I know that’s not what we agreed, and if you’re not ready for that it’s okay. But if you are... I want you to know that I’m ready for it too.’
Anna squeezed her eyes shut and shook her head. She’d hung onto the notion that she and Jamie would never get to the point of having this conversation. That he was as damaged as she was, and that they could continue on together with no thought of commitment or the future. But it seemed that somewhere along the way Jamie had done some healing.
‘Okay. That’s fair enough. Whenever you’re ready.’
She was never going to be ready. Jamie might have moved forward, but Anna couldn’t.
‘Look, Jamie, I know that you’ve been through a lot, and I’m really glad that you feel that you can put that behind you now. And I know you believe that it’s possible to mend things in the future...’ Anna shook her head.
He gave her an uncomprehending look. ‘I have to believe it. I believed it when I went to medical school, and managed to stay the course despite my dyslexia. And the kids I work with are making better futures for themselves, too.’
‘There are some things you can’t mend, Jamie. They’re just facts of life and it’s not possible to make them any different. You just have to accept them.’
‘So...you won’t even accept that we might have a chance? I don’t understand, Anna.’
Jamie wasn’t going to give up. She was going to have to tell him. She was going to have to see the look on his face before she could fully believe that he was capable of breaking her heart.
‘Jamie, the reason my marriage broke up was because I can’t have children. My husband knew that right from the start, and he said that he was fine with it. A year after we got married he suddenly decided he wasn’t fine with it after all and he left me.’
He stared at her. Somewhere deep down she’d still believed in a fairy-tale world wher
e it wouldn’t matter and she could love Jamie the way she wanted to. But then she saw it. Denial.
‘Are you sure?’
A tear rolled down her face. This was the beginning of an end that couldn’t be averted now.
‘Yes, I’m sure. I’m a surgeon, Jamie, do you really think that I haven’t explored all the options?’
He was staring at her, shaking his head. Jamie never gave up, and she loved him for it. The trouble was that he didn’t know when he was beaten either.
‘I have a congenital abnormality that affects both my Fallopian tubes and my uterus. I can’t have children.’
‘I don’t care.’
He was still holding on. Still believing in a future that just couldn’t happen.
‘Have you ever thought you might have children?’
He shrugged. ‘Well, yes, of course, but—’
‘But nothing! I’ve seen you with your niece and nephews, you love them. You’re going to make a great dad, but you can’t do it with me.’ Anna stood up. She had to go. There wasn’t enough air in the room and she was going to suffocate if she stayed.
‘Wait. Anna, will you stop second-guessing me? Can you give me a moment to process this, and then we can talk about it?’
Talking wasn’t going to change anything. ‘No, because you’re going to tell me that it doesn’t matter—’
‘Right in one. It doesn’t.’ His face darkened with anger.
‘And then I’ll believe you. And I’ll believe we have a future. Don’t you dare make me do that, Jamie, because I know for sure that it’s going to break me when you come to your senses and decide you want a family of your own.’
‘Sit down!’
‘Do not tell me what to do, Jamie. We never promised each other anything, and I’m leaving now. I won’t be back.’
Anger propelled Anna out into the hallway. She picked up her coat and the overnight bag that she’d left there when she’d come in tonight, and ran out to her car. She couldn’t stay. She couldn’t face his disappointment or his pity or whatever else it was he had to throw at her. She just had to get away.
* * *
