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She cleared out her office, trying not to cry over the box of pink paper clips and the lava lamp that Alex had given her. Then she said her goodbyes to everyone and left. Alex would be coming to the clinic tomorrow, and she wouldn’t even lay eyes on him.
The next two weeks were hard. She missed Alex every day. She missed the clinic every day. But she kept going, cleaning her flat from top to bottom and applying for jobs. Running in the park, with the express purpose of exhausting herself so that she’d sleep. Sometimes it worked and sometimes it didn’t.
But today was a good day. There were two emails asking her to job intervi
ews. The sun was shining. She still missed Alex, but even that was beginning to subside from a sharp, insistent pain to a dull ache. Her life would never be the same without him, but it could still mean something. She could still make a difference.
She replied to both the emails, saying she’d be there at the times stated, and sorted through her wardrobe to find a suitable outfit. Her red jacket might go nicely with a plain dress, but that was still in her overnight bag, creased and crumpled. Marie hadn’t been able to bear opening it to go through all the things that had once been at Alex’s flat.
The doorbell rang and she pressed the Entryphone. That would be Zack. She opened the front door of her flat and went into the kitchen to put the kettle on. She heard footsteps on the stairs, and then a quiet knock on the door.
‘Come in, Zack.’ Why was he messing around knocking at the door?
‘It’s not Zack.’
Marie froze. Alex’s voice. When she looked out into the hallway she could see him, standing outside the open door.
He looked tall, tired and handsome. Marie swallowed down the lump in her throat, willing her heart to slow down, but it ignored her.
‘Alex... I’m sorry, I was expecting Zack.’
Polite was the way to go. They’d been ruthlessly polite in their emails and that had worked. Perhaps it would work in person, too.
‘I wanted to talk to you. I asked Zack if he knew whether you’d be at home this morning.’
Light suddenly dawned. Zack had called her, asking if she’d be in, because he had something for her. It was Alex. Seeing Alex again was what Zack had for her. She was going to kill him.
‘Well, come in.’ She switched on a smile that didn’t feel even vaguely natural. ‘I dare say I’ve got things mixed up.’
He was holding the soft leather briefcase that he used for his laptop and papers. Perhaps he needed to speak to her about something to do with the clinic, in which case she was going to be professional. She wouldn’t cry, and she wouldn’t hold on to him, begging him to stay.
‘Thanks.’ He stepped into her hallway, closing the door behind him. They were standing twenty feet away from each other, but suddenly he seemed very close.
‘I’ll make coffee. Go and sit down.’
She motioned him towards the sitting room and he nodded a thank-you. Good. Two minutes to breathe deeply and try to recover her composure.
By the time she carried the coffee into the sitting room she was feeling a little giddy. Maybe the deep breathing had been a bad idea.
‘What can I do for you?’ She didn’t dare say his name. Not after she’d whispered it so many times to herself in the dark hours of the night. ‘Something to do with the clinic?’
‘No.’
He opened his briefcase, reaching inside and producing a large thick book, bound with an elastic closure. He put it down on the coffee table, laying his hand on it as if he were about to swear an oath on it. Whatever the oath was, it seemed to be a matter of some importance to him; he was looking unbearably tense.
‘This is my life. Everything about me. It’s for you.’
She stared at him. Perhaps he’d been in therapy and this was his homework. If that was the case, she wished it hadn’t brought him here to seek closure.
‘The final pages are blank...’
‘Alex, I’m not sure this is a good idea.’ Closure was going to take a little longer than this for her. Her whole life, if the last few weeks were anything to go by.
‘They’re blank because I want you to write them with me. We both want the same things, but we’ve both struggled with a way to find those things. I love you, and I believe we can find a way together.’
It was as if the sun had just emerged from behind a cloud. Light streamed into a very dark place.
‘You love me?’
