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She felt his body stiffen against hers. ‘Why?’
Good question. ‘Just to get a full picture. I just thought it might help with the database.’ When she said it out loud, it didn’t sound particularly convincing.
Another couple of slow steps and then he stopped. ‘Sam, I have a responsibility... I have to ask you this. Is that your only reason?’
‘It’s...’ She could lie to him. She could go on lying to herself. But tonight had made her believe that somewhere there might be a possibility of a way back. The one area of Driftwood’s work that she hadn’t asked to see first-hand had suddenly seemed the most important to her and she’d spoken without thinking first.
‘It’s what?’ She couldn’t see his face, but his voice was gentle.
‘I don’t know. No. I don’t think it’s my only reason. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have asked. I’m not here to talk about myself...’ She could feel a tear about to fall from her eye and she wiped it away with her fingers.
‘Don’t!’ He said the word with such intensity that Sam started. ‘Some things we have to listen to, not just brush away. Tears, laughter, joy...grief.’
‘How...?’
‘There’s nothing to it. Here, sit down.’ She sat down next to him on the still-warm shingle. ‘Just listen.’
She head the crash of the waves, and somewhere in there was Sally’s voice. The knock on the door when the police had come to tell her that Sal was dead. The stiff, broken grief of her father and brother, and the sound of Sal’s mother weeping. Sam just wanted it all to go away.
‘Nothing. I don’t hear anything.’
‘Then listen harder.’
It was no use. She so wanted someone to understand. Euan most of all.
‘My partner in the old company, Sally...’
He nodded her on.
‘She died. From an overdose of cocaine.’ Sam remembered Euan’s words when they’d been to see Carrie. ‘Not an overdose as such... I mean...that’s not right, is it?’
‘Just say it. However you want to.’
‘She had a heart attack. She was alone. She died alone.’
There was no sign of reproof in his eyes. He probably didn’t understand.
‘She was my best friend. From when we were children I practically grew up in her house. When we went into business together we both worked long hours, trying to get the company off the ground. I didn’t see that it was too much for her. I didn’t realise that she was taking cocaine just to keep up.’ Sam choked on the words, squeezing her eyes shut.
‘Sally never told you
that there was anything wrong?’
‘No. But I should have known. I was her friend. We worked together.’
‘And that made you responsible for everything she did?’
He still didn’t get it. She was going to have to tell him everything, and then maybe it would be in his power to forgive her. If Euan could forgive her, perhaps she could forgive herself.
‘My mother was a drunk. When Sal’s parents found out that my home life wasn’t up to much they pretty much opened their house to me, and I used to spend most of my time there. When my mother got a new boyfriend and threw me out, they took me in.’
‘How old were you?’
‘Fourteen. That doesn’t matter...’
She felt his hand, light on her shoulder. Not quite comforting. More steadying, as if he was making sure she didn’t chicken out on him. It was too late for that, now.
‘What matters is that they took me in. And that in return I let everyone down—Sally’s parents, her brother. I let Sally down, because I just didn’t see what was going on.’
