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That didn’t mean he should try to wear a role that no longer fit him anymore. He had to figure out who he was now, not try to hang onto who he’d been back then.
The truth was, who he was really wasn’t so bad, under all the crap he’d let get in his way. He loved animals and people and helped little old ladies cross the street. He brought his ma flowers every Sunday and never failed to say a lady looked lovely today, even if she had baby spit-up on her shoulder. He was part owner of a successful business and very good at helping kids learn to be more comfortable in the saddle.
And he was sexually attracted to both Paige and Drake.
Funny how being drunk made it seem so clear. He loved Paige and Drake and wanted to be with them in every possible way. Both of them.
“No, I had sex with Drake alone,” he said quietly. “Just him and me. Paige doesn’t even know. Though we did things…in front of her. I don’t think she minds.”
“Oh, Colt,” Char said, and he didn’t hear an ounce of judgment in her voice. It only made him feel worse.
Perhaps no one would’ve judged him like he’d believed they might. But he hadn’t been able to consider that possibility because he’d been too busy judging himself.
Colt pressed his face into his hands, feeling like an utter fool. “I lost them because I freaked out and got scared. I’ve never been gay before this.” Hearing himself, he sputtered out a laugh. “Oh God, I’m a moron. Bi. I’m bi.” He heaved out a breath and stared out the window at the passing dark landscape without really seeing any of it. “I’m even screwing up the terms. They never applied to me before.”
Char shifted around in her seat. “Why didn’t you come to us? You could talk to us about anything.” She reached back between the seats and fumbled for his hand. “Anything, I swear.”
His eyes burned and he gripped her hand as though she was all he had left in this world. Perhaps she and Wade were it. He’d driven away the two people who mattered most to him.
At least he still had his family.
“I hurt you too,” he whispered. “Both of you. How can you still care?”
Wade pulled up to his house and stopped the truck, then just sat for a moment, gathering his thoughts. Or maybe wondering how he’d ended up with such a fuck-up of a brother.
“You’re my older brother. I only have one of those. Added to that, I know deep down you never meant to hurt me or Charli. You’re a little oblivious sometimes, and maybe a bit too full of yourself at others, but you’re never intentionally malicious. Never.”
“Just stupid down to the core.” Colt chuckled and squeezed Char’s hand before letting her go. It had meant a lot for her to offer him that support at that moment. For both of them to. They were good people, and they deserved each other.
But goddammit, maybe he deserved something good too. Something so wonderful he’d been certain he couldn’t possibly do it justice, so he’d shoved it—them—away.
“You’re only stupid if you don’t make things right.” Char unbuckled her seat belt and turned around to face him again. “You need to tell them how you feel. Make them understand it wasn’t about you not caring about them, but not knowing how to.”
“Said like any disgruntled ex-wife,” he said fondly, and she shook her head and laughed.
“I’m not disgruntled anymore. Maybe I was, a little,” she admitted. “I was harsh with Paige. Not because I even minded her being with you, but because my ego got bruised. You and me, we weren’t meant to be together, and we weren’t in love. I don’t think we ever really were.”
Colt nodded. He’d known that for a long time, but he hadn’t said it. They’d never said any of this out loud.
Perhaps they needed to.
“But I think we loved each other, as friends do,” she said.
“Love,” Colt corrected.
With a quick glance at Wade, she nodded. “Yes. I’m protective of her, and protective of you, and I guess I got jealous that the two of you found something we never did. Not because I want it for myself.” She reached for Wade’s hand and brought it to her mouth for a kiss. “I have everything I could ever want or need now. That doesn’t mean I’m not stupid sometimes too.”
“We all are.” Wade smiled and turned toward Colt. “Love makes all of us idiots. I think it’s supposed to. If we’re not a little screwed up over it, then it probably doesn’t matter enough.”
Colt scrubbed his hands over his face and glanced out the window at the water gleaming in the darkness. Wade and Char were renting the old Sutter place on Casper Lake, and their friends had liked to go swimming here since their high school days.
He’d have to bring Paige and Drake there sometime. His gulch wasn’t really big enough, and they’d have more fun with more room to spread out.
If they ever forgave him.
He closed his eyes, shutting out the view of the moonlight on the rippling water. How would he ever begin to convince them he cared enough not to walk away the next time the ride got rocky? They had no reason to trust him. To trust in him. His past mistakes—and the current one that had landed him in this predicament—were pretty damning.
“I think…I think I want to try something permanent with them,” he said, unsurprised his voice came out sounding rusty. It felt as though his
