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Chapter Twenty-Six
It’s funny how in life, we gravitate towards people that embody the phrase, ‘You only live once.’ Like when you’re watching some documentary on a reporter that travels the world to show you exotic places, or a well-known chef exploring different cuisines and opening up your mind to things you had only dreamt about. Curled up on the couch, I would always watch with such enjoyment, wishing that I had the guts, to just let loose and live life as if there were no tomorrow.
I thought I had lived a colorful life, having traveled to a few places outside the country, yet in reality, I played it safe. I love to be adventurous but always with caution. Yeah, so I’m that annoying person who will ask the attendant on any rollercoaster the stats on the seatbelts and when the ride was last checked for malfunctions. In the end, I always enjoy myself, wondering why I just don’t let loose and do these kind of things more often.
Years ago I created a bucket list. It grew and grew because there was always something preventing me from doing anything on that list. Looking back on it now, I’m partially to blame. I gave excuse after excuse and before I knew it, time had passed by at lightning speed.
And that’s the thing about time. If we could stop it, just for a moment, we would have enough time to experience all the things our hearts desire. I always imagine how different life could be if we could catalog our memories and experiences, and with just one click of a button, be transported in time to that memory. Like the first time a boy leans in and kisses your lips, or the moment when your parents buy you tickets to your first concert and you’re in the crowd holding up a sign for Bon Jovi to marry you. If only he read that sign.
Then there’s that moment when the man you love gets down on one knee and promises you a lifetime of memories that begin with the shining diamond that sits in that little velvet box. And in that moment, you’re sitting on cloud nine, about to embark on the most joyous journey with the man that wants to spend the rest of his life with you.
But out of all these moments, there is no greater moment than seeing the face of your child for the very first time. The first time they are placed in your arms and the world officially stops as you are introduced to this tiny human being that grew inside you for nine months.
These memories, all of them, are moments to be cherished.
Then there are moments that you wish you could fast-forward, place in a vault, and throw into the deepest end of the ocean.
This is me, now.
The way Haden ended things between us left me deeply depressed and made me question everything I thought I knew about myself. In my life, I had never before experienced all the emotions that I have had in the past forty-eigh
t hours. At first, I was livid. How dare he think or say the things he said! If he listened, just for a second, he would have been able to hear what I was trying to say and possibly understand my fears and trepidation. But the Jerk threw himself into another one of his immature tantrums, leaving me no choice but to let whatever it was between us go. I love Masen, more than life itself, and Haden marrying Eloise has already turned me into this bitter, toxic, ugly person who I never wanted to be.
I don’t want that person around my son.
And why?
Because I fucking love him, and it hurts like hell.
Knowing that someone you love doesn’t love you back is one of the most painful things in life. It tears you into pieces and you believe there is no way to recover. Your mind tells you that you must be damaged goods, because if that one person you loved couldn’t love you back, then no one else could possibly love you either.
The next journey on this painful ride is denial. After figuring out that he is indeed the biggest jerk to walk this planet, I refused to acknowledge that he exists. Yeah, it’s the good old sweep-it-under-the-rug scenario, which is what I should have done in the first place rather than fall in love with someone like him. He can kiss me where the sun don’t shine.
Oh, but if he did kiss me where the sun don’t shine, Kitty would be in Kitty heaven and I would be back on cloud nine, lying there and demanding so much more than some ass kissing.
Another thing. Don’t let your broken heart even THINK about the man you love (who doesn’t love you back) in any sexual way or form. That’s just a recipe for torture.
Kate, as always, proves to be a great distraction during what I call the ‘I wish the Jerk never existed’ phase.
“You don’t have to go,” she reminds me for the millionth time today.
I continue to pack my box of shoes, all the while wondering how I accumulated so much. Geez, I don’t want to throw the term ‘Shoe Whore’ around, but it’s difficult not to. Especially when I realize I have the same pair of pumps in three different colors. When did I really think I would wear the crimson pair?
“Los Angeles is great, don’t get me wrong, but aren’t you going to miss the city?”“
Closing the box, I pull the tape across the top and stick on a label marked, “Shoes—FRAGILE.” There, done.
“I’m done here. I miss my sister. The open spaces and sun will be a welcoming change. California has some great schools that Masen can attend,” I state, matter-of-factly.
“I can’t argue that. I’m from England, and anywhere there’s sun, I’m there faster than you can say the word sunburnt.”
I shake my head, giggling at her comment. Kate is awfully pale and I can only imagine what the California sun could do to her delicate skin. Nevertheless, she is gorgeous the way she is.
“You’re beautiful,” I add, smiling at her.
She places the tape aside and jumps up, almost knocking me down as we hug it out. For someone who has only been in my life for such a short time, she’s had a big impact. She is that person you can always rely on—no matter what. A selfless human being who genuinely cares for the people that surround her. I consider myself lucky to have met her and hope the distance won’t affect our friendship. But then again, why should it? A true friend doesn’t need to see you or talk to you every day. You know they’ll be there whenever you need them. Kate is and will forever be a person I consider a good friend.
“I’m going to miss you. I loved having you as a roomie. And lil’ Mase . . .” She trails off, letting go of me and picking him up from his crib. She’s visibly upset, having grown so fond of him during our short stay together. Kate isn’t one to cry, but her eyes begin to swell and I could swear I heard a slight sniffle.
