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I grab my phone and make the call.
“Hey, it’s me.”
“What’s wrong? Isn’t it like midnight there?”
“Yes. I’ve decided to move to California. Is it still okay if I stay with you guys?”
“Of course,” Gemma replies in a worried tone. “Pres, what happened? You sound… weird.”
She’s my sister. She knows me well, and nothing ever gets past her. She’s seen me at my worst. I begin to sob into the phone, making no sense with my words.
“I can’t be around him anymore, Gem. It’s just too hard. I love him.”
“I know,” she soothes. “But he’s Masen’s dad. He’s always going to be around. And you’re just figuring out now that you love him?”
“No, Gemma. I knew all along. I just kept denying the truth. He can still see Masen. I know a lot of parents who meet at a shopping center and someone else does the handover.”
“Is that what you really want?”
I know I’m not thinking straight. I’m hurt. And when you’re hurt, rational decisions are hard to make. Instead, you follow the broken path, praying that it will lead to some magical rainbow with unicorns galloping around it and baskets of cupcakes and chocolate.
“Yes. I’ll book the flights.”
My mind is made up.
This time next week, I will be in California.
Twenty-Six
It’s funny how in life, we gravitate toward people who embody the phrase, ‘You only live once.’ Like when you’re watching some documentary on a reporter who travels the world to show you exotic places, or a well-known chef exploring different cuisines and opening up your mind to things you had only dreamed about. Curled up on the couch, I would always watch with such enjoyment, wishing I had the guts just to let loose and live life as if there were no tomorrow.
I thought I had lived a colorful life, having traveled to a few places outside the country, yet in reality, I’ve played it safe. I love to be adventurous but always with caution. Yeah, so I’m that annoying person who will ask the attendant on any rollercoaster the stats on the seat belts and when the ride was last checked for malfunctions. In the end, I always enjoy myself, wondering why I just don’t let loose and do these kinds of things more often.
Years ago, I created a bucket list. It grew and grew because there was always something preventing me from doing anything on that list. Looking back on it now, I’m partially to blame. I gave excuse after excuse, and before I knew it, time had passed by at lightning speed.
And that’s the thing about time. If we could stop it, just for a moment, we would have enough time to experience all the things our hearts desire. I always imagine how different life would be if we could catalog our memories and experiences, and with just one click of a button, be transported in time to that memory. Like the first time a boy leans in and kisses your lips, or the moment when your parents buy you tickets to your first concert and you’re in the crowd holding up a sign for Bon Jovi to marry you. If only he read that sign.
Then there’s that moment when the man you love gets down on one knee and promises you a lifetime of memories beginning with the shining diamond that sits in that little velvet box. And at that moment, you’re sitting on cloud nine about to embark on the most joyous journey with the man who wants to spend the rest of his life with you.
But out of all these moments, there is no greater moment than seeing the face of your child for the very first time. The first time they are placed in your arms, and the world officially stops as you are introduced to this tiny human being who grew inside you for nine months.
These memories, all of them, are moments to be cherished.
Then there are moments that you wish you could fast-forward, place in a vault, and throw into the deepest end of the ocean.
This is me, now.
The way Haden ended things between us left me deeply depressed and made me question everything I thought I knew about myself. In my life, I have never before experienced all the emotions I’ve had in the past forty-eight hours. At first, I was livid. How dare he think or say the things he said. If he listened, just for a second, he would have heard what I was trying to say and possibly understand my fears and trepidation. But the Jerk threw himself into another one of his immature tantrums, leaving me no choice but to let whatever it was between us go.
I love Masen, more than life itself, and Haden marrying Eloise has already turned me into this bitter, toxic, ugly person who I never wanted to be.
I don’t want that person around my son.
And why? Because I love him, and it hurts like hell.
Knowing that someone you love doesn’t love you back is one of the most painful things in life. It tears you into pieces, and you believe there is no way to recover. Your mind tells you that you must be damaged goods because if that one person you loved couldn’t love you back, then no one else could possibly love you either.
The next journey on this painful ride is denial. After figuring out he is indeed the biggest jerk to walk this planet, I refuse to acknowledge he exists. Yeah, it’s the good old sweep-it-under-the-rug scenario, which is what I should have done in the first place rather than fall in love with someone like him.
