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“I didn’t even have a choice on whether or not I wanted it, the bloodwork came back, and I was too far along. It was too late, I had no choice but to keep it, and all I could think about was the fact that I would have to look at this child every day and be reminded of you—that there was no escaping you.
“I thought about finding you, but I was still heartbroken. I had no idea Samantha’s baby wasn’t yours, so in my eyes, you were still the man who be
trayed and left me standing alone. The one thing that I did know was that this baby didn’t deserve to be second best. It didn’t need to compete with the other child you were raising. I was broken, Lex, so broken and unable to pull myself out of this depression that was spiraling out of control.”
As she spoke, the pain inside me grew larger, spreading throughout like the deadliest of diseases. But even in my own pain, Charlotte’s is so much worse.
Taking a deep breath, she closes her eyes before opening her mouth to continue, “My grandmother was the only one who knew. We hid this from my dad. I was in a dark place, a very dark place. I struggled to see any light in this situation. What did I know about raising a baby at eighteen? This wasn’t the life I wanted… at least not without you. I cried myself to sleep every night. I barely ate… I barely moved. My grandmother would rock me to sleep on our porch swing. But I was sad… so unbelievably sad that I had failed to see it wasn’t only me who had demons. She was sick… very sick.”
She pauses to retrieve something from her purse. It’s a photograph and looks familiar. Moments later, I realize it is the same as the one hanging on her wall. But this time she didn’t have the blanket covering her stomach, the bulge standing out against her skinny frame. I stare at it, shocked, unable to swallow, the pain intensifying as I study the picture in the dark of the night as we sit here.
My poor Charlotte.
How could I have done this?
But our baby, what happened to the baby?
I prepare myself for what I think she did, the only thing that could have possibly happened. She must have had the baby adopted. Closing my eyes to think, somewhere out there I have an eight-year-old kid. My silence masks the turmoil overcoming me. How the fuck could I have done this to her? Out of all the people in my life, I love her more than life itself. Yet, I pushed her into this nightmare, leaving her scarred forever.
“I remembered the day it all finally came crashing down, the darkest day of my life, and the day I screamed your name hoping that somewhere you would hear me and pull me out into the light.”
I twisted my body, trying to get comfortable. It was no use. I couldn’t lie on my stomach, so I moved to lie on my back. Great, now I had to pee again. I got up and peed for like the hundredth time that morning, then decided it was pointless and walked outside to sit on the porch swing.
It was early morning, and the sun was shining brightly on the porch, the sounds of birds and crickets chirping in the distance. I looked up to the sky, perfectly blue, except for these dark gray clouds coming in from the east. I knew they predicted heavy rain and possible thunderstorms later in the day. I wasn’t surprised Gran wasn’t home as she normally conducted all her errands before seven. If only I could be so productive.
My stomach grumbled slightly, oh food… again. I had no appetite despite what my body told me. I knew at my last appointment that Dr. Flannigan wasn’t pleased with my weigh-in. I had lost weight. I sat there remembering the lecture she gave me.
“Charlie. You’ve lost quite a lot of weight. Is the morning sickness still occurring?” Dr. Flannigan asked.
“Uh… no”
“So, have you been increasing your food intake?”
“Uh… just eating the same.”
“So, what did you eat today for breakfast?”
“Um… I had a glass of water,” I lied. I hadn’t had anything.
“Charlie, we’ve discussed this. It’s not healthy. There are so many risks. I realize this isn’t an ideal situation for you, but this baby needs nutrients which it will get if you eat a well-maintained and balanced diet.”
She handed me another What to Eat When You’re Expecting pamphlet which was lucky because I threw the other one out.
“I’d like to see you in two weeks. I expect to see these scales increase in number. Do you understand?”
“Yes, Dr. Flannigan.”
Her words played heavily on my mind. I angrily got up and walked into the kitchen. Grabbing a bowl of granola, I walked back to the porch swing.
“There, you happy?” I asked the baby.
My body jerked forward as this unfamiliar feeling jabbed my stomach. I placed my hand quickly on the spot it came from, rubbing it slightly until it happened again.
It was the baby.
Unwillingly, I smiled, my first smile since all this unfolded over two months ago. My baby kicked. I placed my hand back on my stomach hoping it would happen again, but nothing. Wow, I never thought the feeling of a baby moving inside you could bring so much joy. I raced inside and grabbed more food, stuffing my face, hoping it would happen again. I waited on the porch for Gran to come home, unable to contain my excitement.
I sat there for two hours wondering where she was. It was unusual for her. It wasn’t long after that a very sullen Annie, our next-door neighbor, walked up the front path. I only had to look at her face to know something was very wrong.
