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“Honey, please, vaginas scare me. It like reminds me too much of that movie Innerspace, you know with Meg Ryan? All pink and mucus-like.”
Shaking her head in disgust, she puts her jeans back on. “Never say mucus to me again. Honestly, Eric, your vagina lingo needs to step up a notch. And yes, you can but make it quick.”
After confirming they are, in fact, real, we decide to head on out for a really late lunch before catching a movie. Kate is fast becoming my favorite person to hang out with. I just love the British sense of humor plus, aside from Emma, she is the only single friend I have.
“Will you still call Lex ‘sir’?”
“I don’t know… yes… I think. I can’t call him Lex in the office, you know?”
“Did you ever want to spank him when you called him ‘sir’?”
“What? No… never. I have never looked at him that way. Trust me, back in the day, I saw way too much of his not-so-good side.”
“Did he ever try to come on to you?”
She laughed out loud “No… apart from that minor comment with joining him and Victoria. Honestly, Eric, it was never like that. He’s my boss, and yes, now we run the same social circle, but I love my job and admire his intelligence. I have learnt so much from him. That’s all. Now, get your mind out of the gutter and let’s order because I’m hank marvin.”
“Hank marvin? What the hell is that?” I need a translator for Kate but enjoy the new catchphrases.
“Derr, starving!”
***
Monday morning rolls around faster than you can say ‘doggy style.’ Fuck, I need to get laid. It’s exactly eight-thirty, and I have everything prepared for our meeting. Coffee is brewed, and an assortment of breakfast pastries is centered on the large meeting table. The projector is ready as Nikki is going to present an update on a case
the firm has been tangled in. At eight fifty on the dot, Emma walks in.
“Hey, chica, what’s happening?”
“Nothing,” she answers quietly.
Huh, odd. She bows her head, pretending to be immersed in paperwork.
“Spill.”
“Spill what?”
“Why you acting all ‘something up my puss’?”
“Eric, nothing is up my puss.”
“Well, maybe that’s the problem, then. So, spill it now, or I’ll nag you for the rest of the day.”
She sighs, knowing there’s no way out of it. When it comes to extracting information from people, I’m a born nagger. Either that or I will manipulate the conversation so eventually, the truth will reveal itself. My mother says it’s a hidden talent of mine amongst other things. Taking her glasses off for a moment, she reaches for a tissue, attempting to clean the lenses.
“So, I kind of did something, it’s embarrassing. I can’t even think about it without wanting to crawl in a hole and die.”
“OMG, you peed on him?”
“No! How mortifying. Although this wouldn’t be far off. I kinda um…” she tenses her body, unable to get her words out, “… I kinda, um, farted during sex.”
She buries her head in her hands as if that’s going to erase this. Poor Emma, when it comes to screwing around with co-workers, she sure lacks knowledge in the sexual department.
“Like asshole farted or pussy farted?”
“Eric, I can’t believe you just said asshole farted.” Her cheeks burn while she crumples into the chair. “Well, I’m not sure, but I don’t think it was that.”
“Okay, so walk me through it, but make it quick before someone walks in the middle of this conversation, and God forbid it be Tate. He’d cut my dick off and serve it to the mafia.”
