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Amy kneels to join us. “Occasionally, we have genuine people come through here wanting to rescue a pet and provide a home for them. Other times, it’s just a fad. The novelty of pet adoption wears off, and we often see them return.”
“That’s so sad,” Adriana murmurs. “She’s a mom trying to protect her baby.”
“Just like you.”
Fuck, did I just say that?
Adriana stops petting Ash. Her face falls, realization perhaps knocking sense into her. Moments later, her mouth curves upward as a small smile plays on her lips. “Just like me.”
Much to my disappointment, Amy continues the tour of the shelter, and we leave Blaze and Ash alone. It’s with great difficulty as I try to focus my attention on the other animals. Adriana seems to have the same problem, constantly looking behind her shoulder in the direction of Blaze’s kennel.
“Are you thinking what I’m thinking?” I ask.
She beams when I say the words, both of us sneaking away from the group and heading back to the kennel. Once we’re there, we sit on the ground, and without the kennel open, we are forced to poke our fingers through the metal grate to pet Blaze and Ash.
“She looks so helpless.” Saddened by the sight in front of us, Adriana continues to stroke Blaze.
“She’s a warrior. I can see it in her eyes. She’s had a close call with death, seen her children suffer, but somehow she pulled through.” I place the palm of my hand underneath her chin and caress her gently.
A lonely tear falls on Adriana’s cheek. I’m uncertain what to do, wanting so much to wipe it away and help her overcome her pain, but I know it’s not my place to interfere.
“You saved my niece,” she mutters through her tears.
It was bound to come up. There’s no escaping this topic.
“And you saved Charlie,” she continues.
“I did what anyone else would’ve done in that situation.” I continue to stare at Blaze and Ash. No matter what I do, where I go, I can’t escape my actions, and it angers me. I want to escape to where it’s impossible for anyone else to condemn me for my past.
There’s only one place no one can find you.
Or one place where your sins may be forgotten, only to live eternally in the devil’s paradise.
I pull myself off the ground and walk away without saying a word, abandoning Adriana once again.
Hazel is standing in an aviary feeding an injured bird. I owe her the courtesy of informing her I’m leaving. It’s just all too much. She understands, but before I leave, she writes down her number and address in case I need her. I can see the pity in her eyes, and I feel ashamed for making her feel terrible for not being able to help me.
Leaning in, I hug her, and in return, she holds me tight before whispering the words I need to hear right at this moment, “My dear, you’re lost, I see it in your eyes. Everyone finds their way home. You just need to find someone to guide you in the right direction.”
I nod in understanding, now faced with the task of getting myself home. There’s only one road out, and no better time to start walking it. Kicking dirt and stones, a rustle startles me, and Adriana is by my side.
“Why do you keep running from me?” she demands an answer, one I don’t have.
Ignoring her question, I continue to walk, hoping she’ll turn back around, but she pulls my arm back. Her eyes narrow, impatiently waiting for me to respond.
“What do you want me to say? Everyone says you saved Charlie. Thank God you were there! Well, I don’t feel the same as everyone. I was doing something wrong. I shouldn’t have been there,” I shout, venting my frustration.
“And if you weren’t there, she’d have been dead within minutes. My brother might as well have died along with her, their daughter would’ve been an orphan, and the rest of her family and friends would have been broken for life. How does that feel?” she yells.
I know how it feels. Chelsea’s death impacted everyone who knew her. It even took the lives of her parents. It was the worst feeling, and no one should have to endure that.
“Exactly. You know the impact on those who survive. Whatever the fuck or whoever the fuck brought you there at that time was a godsend. Stop fighting what is.” Her bold statement leaves me unable to speak.
I squat to the ground and run my hands through my hair, desperate for solitude, yet at the same time wanting to let go of this chain around my neck.
“Losing Chelsea was unbearable. I honestly thought Charlie would fix it. I was wrong.”
“I know the pain all too well. I don’t think there’s a fix. That’s the problem, right?” A sinister laugh escapes her mouth. “That’s why we’re all on the verge of being sent to the looney bin.”
