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“I did love her, Adriana, but she was a Band-Aid. And being in Hazel’s group is teaching me that.”
“Just like anyone who comes into my life will be a Band-Aid for Elijah,” she mumbles.
I place my arm around her. “He was your husband, Andy’s father. No one can replace him. All one can do is love you and Andy the way you deserve to be loved. In time, just don’t push it away when you feel it.”
“And what about you? Don’t you think you deserve happiness?”
“Honestly? No. What am I, Adriana? I can’t love without hurting those I love.”
“You didn’t hurt Chelsea.”
“But if I had put my foot down, she’d still be here.”
“Yeah, and if I weren’t so caught up in my pregnancy, maybe I might have noticed Elijah was sick and could’ve helped him,” she answers back.
We both stay quiet, the enormity of our admissions deserving a moment of silence. There’s a gentle breeze engulfing us, and the smell of lavender fills the air creating a calm between us.
“I’m scared of being alone, not now, but forever,” I admit.
“You’ve got Blaze… and me. As long as we’re friends, you’re not alone,” she says with ease.
“Does that mean you’ll cook me pot roast when I’m suffering from male PMS?” I joke.
“Yeah, but I draw the line at picking up a pack of tampons for you.”
“Great. Nice visual,” I mock.
“Hey, you said it… man rags!”
“Too much. Eric… he’s like the gay plague.”
“Oh my, I’ll tell him you said that.”
“Don’t you dare,” I warn her.
She laughs, her gaze wandering toward the farm. All of her features soften, implying a calmness to her I’ve grown to love watching when she allows herself to be still and focus on her blessings.
“This place is so tranquil. The kind of place you could see yourself growing old in, don’t you think?”
Fixated on the serenity, there’s something to be said about the tranquility of being in a place, or presence, where the world stops revolving around you, and faith begins to restore. I never expected in my wildest of imagination to be sitting here, of all places, with Adriana Evans, clean and without cocaine running through my veins.
And while our words remain to ourselves, the silence between us is exactly what I need, and perhaps we both need. Our intent is to revive ourselves from our weakest of moments, lay the foundation to rebuild eternal happiness, just not in the way we have always envisioned and not with the people we assumed would be by our side for life.
“Yes, Adriana.” I smile hopelessly at her, allowing the calm to wash over my sins and grant me the peace I deserve. “Exactly the place I see myself growing old in.”
Living with Hazel is turning out to be very therapeutic.
It gives me a hell of a lot of time to think, spending countless hours in her garden with her animals, which Blaze seems to enjoy as well. I still apartment hunt, but everything I find says no pets, and there’s no chance in hell I’m abandoning Blaze. Hazel scolds me as she rumbles through the discarded newspapers, quick to notice the red circles highlighting the vacancies. We had a long discussion one day, and I was very forthcoming with my intention to find my own way and not burden her. She explained that the process of finding oneself isn’t something that happens overnight, plus she really enjoys my company. Something about the way I eat my cereal reminds her of her late son, George.
During the week, Adrianna brought Ash over to play with Blaze. It was quite the reunion, both dogs running around in the backyard like two of the happiest creatures I have seen. Blaze is healing well, according to Amy, and the fact that she can run is a huge improvement. I never felt so relieved when Amy informs me of Blaze’s progress. Perhaps I don’t hurt everyone around me.
It’s a lazy Thursday afternoon spent sitting on the porch with my laptop, job hunting. I haven’t heard about my manuscript which dampens my spirits.
I know the drill—countless resumes being sent in hopes of a bite and emails sent to a number of contacts, mainly interstate. I resist applying for any positions in New York, not yet, anyway. I may be on the road to recovery, but I’m not ready to head back to the place which started this whole clusterfuck.
My mind is occupied with a job listing for a newspaper located in a small town in Arizona when my cell beeps, startling my concentration.
Adriana: My turn!
