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She didn’t reply.
I zipped the bag closed. I lifted it up and over my shoulder. It was heavy against my back, grounding me. It felt like the only real thing in all this unreality.
I turned toward the door.
Ezra said, “Going somewhere?”
He stood hunched in the doorway. He looked tired. And sad.
“I need a break,” I said evenly. “I need to get away for a couple of days.”
“If you give me a few minutes, I can throw some things in a bag. We can go together.”
I shook my head. “No. It’s not—I need to do this. On my own. It’s important.”
“Why?”
“I need to clear my mind.”
“There’s nothing wrong with your mind, dear. There never has been. You’re just tired. Maybe you should get some rest.”
I laughed. “I don’t need any more rest. Look, I just want a couple of days, okay? I never ask for anything.”
“No. You don’t.” He looked like he was going to reach for me but thought better of it. His liver-spotted hand curled into a fist instead. He was shaking. I thought he was scared of me, but I couldn’t smell fear on him. “It’s the worst thing about you.”
“Then give me this. Just… let me go. For a little bit.”
“Where will you go?”
“Away.”
He sighed. “Would you hear me, dear?”
And it was so easy to say yes. So easy to say of course, of course I will hear you. Every part of me screamed to do just that. It rolled over me in a calming wave, and for a moment I thought how ridiculous I was being. I was in the middle of a breakdown, that much was clear, and here was this man, my friend, who wanted nothing more than to keep me safe. He loved me, and I loved him. I loved him.
I loved him.
And even as a sharp lance of pain pierced my skull, I said, “No.”
Silence fell between us, stretching until it was almost unbearable.
Then, “What?”
“No. Not this time. Not now. Just let me go. Please. That’s all I’m asking. Just let me go.”
“You’re scaring me, Robbie.”
I laughed. “You have no idea.”
“We need to fix this. We need to fix this together. I don’t know what’s going on in that head of yours, but I promise that I can help—”
“I don’t want you in my head,” I snapped at him. “I don’t want anyone in my head.”
I was surprised when he took a step back out of the doorway. “Fine. If that’s the way it is, then go. I don’t know what’s going on, but I won’t stop you. If this is something you need to do, then do it. I’ll make sure Michelle knows.”
I gripped the strap of my backpack tightly. “Thank you.”
He grabbed my bicep as I left the room.
