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I knew the truth and while I wished he would see past his insecurities and trust me enough to let me in, I couldn’t make him do anything. I was sick of trying to figure out how to please him when all he seemed interested in was making me feel bad for one decision. I didn’t deserve that, and I wasn’t going to stand for him implying that I was a whore.
I had far more self-respect than that and there was no way in hell I was going to let him take that away.
When I opened the door and stepped out into the cool, mountain air, I drew in a deep breath, before moving forward and shutting the door behind me.
I limped away from the cabin and as I did, I heard the door opened and Johnathan’s voice call, in a slightly desperate manner, “Carrie! Come back! You can’t go out there like that! You still need to heal!”
I heard footsteps behind me and I quickened my pace. I wasn’t going to let him find me and talk me back into being trapped in the cabin with him for another second.
I had resolved that there was absolutely nothing I could do right, or to help him get over whatever it was that plagued him. While I wished things were different, I couldn’t help him change if he wasn’t wiling to put forth the effort, so there was nothing more I could do.
“Come on, Carrie…” Johnathan called, somewhat contritely, from only a few feet behind me, “I know you’re not ready to leave…You might get hurt.”
Knowing that it was only a moment more before he found me, I whipped around and screamed back into the woods, “I don’t need you! I never have!”
Instantly, I saw Jake break through the thicket that surrounded me, wagging his tail, and running toward me, happy that he was able to track me down. I narrowed my eyes at him.
“No!” I insisted, putting my arms up to signal I didn’t want him to go any closer. “Go home!”
Jake stopped and backed up slightly but tilted his head as though he didn’t understand.
“You heard me, go home!”
I felt bad for being so mean to Jake, but I didn’t want to go back to the cabin and if I went with Jake, I knew that was exactly where I’d end up.
“Go home!” I repeated, and the dog ducked down and whined, as though he was hurt by the way I was acting.
He whined.
“Stop it!” I hissed, as Johnathan broke through, into view.
“Carrie, come on! Let’s talk about this. You could fall…It’s so easy to get lost…”
“What do you care? You pushed me away. Congratulations. You’ve done exactly what you wanted to do. Doesn’t it feel great? Aren’t you happy that you were able to treat me so badly, that I would rather brave the wilderness than spending even one more day with you?”
Jonathan staggered back, as though he was genuinely regretting what he had done. However, it didn’t mean much to me now. Even if he had seen the error in his ways, I was done with trying to please him.”
“It’s okay, though, because you don’t really care. You’re far more concerned with convincing yourself that humanity has wronged you so badly, that you can’t ever fathom trusting anyone again, so why would you care about me? I am part of what you hate. You should be pleased with yourself.”
“Carrie, that’s not what I meant. I didn’t mean for you to leave…”
“Oh, I don’t know, I think you made it pretty clear when you told me to leave. It was either that or lie to you, which I think would be substantially worse. You can lie to yourself, that’s fine but I’m not going to placate your delusions. You’re not happy here. You don’t want to be here and whatever it is, you’re running from it and aren’t man enough to face…anything. You hide up here like a child hides under their covers, thinking that the world will never find you, but the world is all around you. You can’t escape it and the fact that you think you can, makes you even more pathetic.”
Johnathan didn’t move, and Jake sat between us, looking from one to the other with a sense of panic on his face. It was clear that he was upset the tension that was between us and he wanted to fix it.
Johnathan was quiet for a moment, but eventually sighed heavily, “Can we go back to the cabin? Please…I want to talk to you about this but I’d rather not talk about it here.”
I had given him the chance. He could’ve apologized. I might have even accepted him simply agreeing that I was right. However, he couldn’t even do that. He simply wanted me to come back with him.
“No, Johnathan. I’m not coming back with you. I’m done trying. I’m ready to…go back to my life, as you put it. Don’t try to stop me again. I’ve made my decision.”
With that, I turned around and started walking toward the direction I believed the rangers station was.
My plan was to reach the ranger’s station and get medical assistance there, in addition to transportation down the mountain.
Behind me, I heard huffing and aggravated moans coming from Johnathan. This was followed by a clapping of four paws, before Johnathan’s voice called Jake back and they both started to walk in the opposite direction.
When I finally felt it was safe to look back, without being caught, I saw that they had both disappeared back into the mountainous terrain and I was left alone.
