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“I do,” she answered quietly, without turning around. “You have done this to me enough already, I should expect it. I know that you’re hurting, and you might even be confused, feeling trapped, I’m not exactly sure what. However, the pattern is evident.”
“Pattern?” I scoffed.
“Yes. We have sex, you enjoy it, then you get into your head and convince yourself that this isn’t right. For whatever reason, you’re opposed to being happy and I know that’s not my fault.”
“You’re right,” I conceded, “Nothing is your fault. You haven’t done anything wrong. It’s just, I’ve been thinking a lot…I’m not trying to be a jerk. I’m really just trying to do what I think is best for us both. I’m trying to protect you. I’m trying to save you.”
“No, you’re trying to save yourself. You have built walls that you think are insurmountable, so you discourage everyone who tries to help you escape those walls…But one day, the barriers that you have built are going to cave inwards and if you are still in the middle, stubbornly catapulting any help away, you’re going to be buried beneath them.”
“How do you know that?” I hissed, angered by the possibility that my situation could get worse. Briefly, selfishly, I wondered if that was the reason that I hadn’t swallowed a bullet yet, but countered my own morbid fears with anger, directed at Carrie. “You think that you’re so smart, because you can pick people apart and tell them exactly what they don’t wan to hear, just so you can get your way?”
“What?” Carrie retorted, “Johnathan, I’m trying to help you. I don’t want you to get hurt. I want you to find some semblance of happiness before you completely shut yourself off from the rest of the world.”
“Did it ever occur to you that maybe I don’t want help? Maybe I was doing just fine before you came into my life?”
At this, she tilted her head, but didn’t respond. Instead, she narrowed her eyes and shrugged her shoulders.
Her lack of bantering bothered me slightly, so I backed off, considering she was right. If I was going to push her away, without feeling absolutely terrible about it for the rest of my life, I needed her to answer me. “I mean, maybe you’re right. There’s a good chance that I have no idea what I’m talking about, but you see, I’m not ready to take that chance.”
She bobbed her head up and down in a nod, though there wasn’t any conviction behind it.
“I wish I was. I wish I could just be happy-go-fucking-lucky like you. I wish I could bounce back from all the shit you’ve been through and preserver…I actually admire that, but I can’t. I’ve tried.”
Again, she nodded and I started to feel as though she wasn’t even listening to me anymore.
“I feel like you don’t understand, or you think that I’m lying to you. Do you at least have some understanding of what I’m trying to tell you?”
Again, she made the agreeing motion, that was devoid of an ounce of principle. It almost seemed that she simply wanted me to stop talking, so she was feigning agreement so that she wouldn’t have to have this conversation anymore.
This made me feel like crap, but instead of trying to fix the issue, I did what I apparently was best at and continued to dig myself into a bigger hole.
“Are you going to speak to me, or just agree with me?” I retorted in an angry tone.
At this, Carrie sighed and raised her eyes to me, turning her head only enough so that she could see me. Speaking softly, she finally gave me her genuine opinion, “Johnathan, there is only so much someone can take before they know that they cannot make someone understand their point of view, or in this case, I can’t make you trust me. I thought that yesterday, we had made strides toward you trusting me. You told me everything and we ended up having a great night. I thought things were going well, but now, to wake up to the same old guilt, and unspoken accusations, I realize that you can’t keep your word. You can’t bring yourself to trust me. of course, I’m upset and disappointed, but I don’t blame you. How could I? Knowing what you’ve been through, your reaction tells me that you aren’t ready and that’s okay. I just hope I helped you a little bit.”
I backed away slightly, as her honesty again cut deep. She wasn’t insulting, but what she said and how she put her response caused me to feel like a total dick.
“I’m sorry,” I answered finally, unable to figure out anything else to say that would assuage her feelings. “I don’t want it this way. I just can’t do this. I can’t help it.”
“Just like you don’t want my pity, or my help, I don’t need yours. If you want to help me get back to the ranger’s station, that would be great, but don’t feel obligated.”
“No, I’m going to help you, that’s not what this is about. I just…”
“You want me out of your life. I get it,” she answered, then started in the opposite direction, leaving me speechless.
“No…” I insisted, though I didn’t go after her. I wanted to catch up to her and I wanted, at least for the moment, to lie and tell her that she was wrong.
I yearned for her to be wrong, but the fact that she wasn’t wrong cut me even deeper.
At that moment, I wished I was stronger. I wished I could put myself out there and be the man she deserved, instead of the jerk she was stuck with.
Deep down, I knew she loved me, though I wasn’t sure why, but that was what made me want to get away from her even quicker.
Now that I had some time to think clearly and I wasn’t presently overwhelmed with the intoxicating effect she seemed to have on me, I was aware of what a big mistake I was making.
This thought process caused me to once again, watch her walk away.
Chapter 19:
