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He focused on my leg as he touched a few more spots, which burned from both the injury and over-using the muscles.
“I don’t think anything is broken, but I wouldn’t be surprised if they want to do an x-ray when you get back to the bottom of the mountain, just to be sure.”
I shook my head in agreement as Johnathan stood up and walked over to the metal cabinet that was standing in the corner.
He disappeared for a moment but returned quickly with a white metal suitcase-looking box, labeled First Aid.
He wrapped my ankle tightly with an Ace bandage, being cautious of the pain it was causing.
Besides feeling like heated pins and needles, once the bandage was secured, the sharp pains and pulsing lessened intensely.
“How’s that?”
“Good,” I answered, not sure if there was a possibility for it to be any better, considering the abuse it had taken the past few days. “It feels much better,” I assured him.
“Great!” Johnathan offered, before growing noticeably quiet.
I allowed the silence for a little while, but eventually, I had to ask what the issue was.
“Nothing,” he shook his head, as though solidifying his response. Everything is fine. I’m…happy we finally made it.”
“But?” I urged, knowing that there had to be more.
“I’m just…I’m sorry, okay? I wish I could give you everything, including the trust that I know you deserve, but I can’t and that bothers me…Especially after everything you’ve been through.”
“Johnathan, I didn’t tell you that to make you feel bad or to pity me,” I explained, covering his hand with my own, “I told you that, with the hope that you will one day realize that there is a way out, even when you can never imagine your life any other way.”
“But I just keep thinking about all the shitty stuff I said to you, when in reality, you probably know far better than I will ever know, how to get over tragedy and move on.”
“I told you all that to help you, that’s it. I learned to move on, because I had to…Because I refused to allow my situation to get the best of me. I want to survive, and I want to thrive. So, whenever I have the urge to give up, the urge I have experienced many times, I fight through it. I do something to change my situation. When I felt threatened by my ex, I moved out. When I heard that he died, I came here, and when the guide…” I willingly let my voice trail off there, still not wanting to think too much about the most current tragedy I experienced.
“You found me and have to deal with my problems?” Johnathan suggested, though his voice was slightly teasing.
“No, I found you. Do you forget all that you did for me?”
“Besides giving you a complex?”
I playfully nudged him, “Trust me, you’re not that crazy. It takes a lot more than falling in love with a relationship-shy, anti-social mountain man to give me a complex,” I chuckled. “But seriously, Johnathan, after everything that happens, I find a way to move on and eventually persevere. Even after shit hits the fan, there is life and happiness after. I promise, you just have to be willing to receive it.”
He thought about this for a moment, before he shook his head, “I just don’t know how you do it.”
“I don’t either,” I admitted. “It’s not like I wake up one day and decide this is the day I’m going to get over whatever it is. For instance, I have a lot to still get over from…What happened with the guide. There’s parts of that I may never get over.”
I thought about the severity of that statement and how there was a good possibility that I would never be able be truly alone ever again. Regardless of what Johnathan said, I will always be looking over my shoulder, worrying about whether he is standing there, waiting for me.
Having made it to the station, even without anyone there, I was surprised that nothing had happened.
I was extremely relieved that we had all made it safely and that no one was threatened, but I just wanted it to be over. I wanted to know what happened to the man and I wanted to know that he wouldn’t be coming after me.
However, I guessed that was one luxury I would never be provided. The second-bes
t thing is never having to see him again, but that wouldn’t stop the worry.
I was terrified of him and there was nothing I could do to assuage that fear.
“Come on, Carrie,” Johnathan insisted, scooting even closer to me, as if trying to prove that he was there to help me through whatever was bothering me.
However, he wasn’t going to be there. He was going to go back to my life and I was going to go back to mine. The only thing he was promising me was something he couldn’t possibly guarantee.
