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“I wanted to try something new,” I said smiling.
“I love you,” he said with a smile. “I know things have been very messed up lately. I feel terrible that I showed so much hatred toward Tanner over the years that you felt like you had to lie about working for him. His company is amazing. He’s really done a great job, and you will learn a lot from there.”
“I know, but I’m not sure I want to stay,” I said looking down at my salad. “Everything got really crazy really fast, and I don’t know if it’s a good atmosphere for me.”
“Personal feelings aside, you have to admit that working for MJ during the merger will be an amazing resume booster,” he said shrugging. “Don’t give up on your career because you’re uncomfortable. Those things will sort themselves out, but your career needs constant vigilance.”
“Do you regret splitting off from him?”
“Regret? No,” he said shaking his head. “I loved every moment I got to spend with you growing up. I wouldn’t trade that for anything. As a human being, though, I do wonder from time to time what our lives would have been like if I was a CEO of my own company, but then I remember what Tanner had to sacrifice and I just forget all about it.”
“I’m sorry for lying to you, Dad,” I said, feeling guilty.
“I’m sorry for reacting the way I did,” he replied, reaching out and taking my hand. “I love you. Let’s move on from this.”
“I like that idea.” I squeezed his hand.
We continued to talk, changing the subjects from work to Mom and back around again to my job. As I listened to him talk, I couldn’t help but feel distracted. While I looked, like I was in tune, listening to everything he said, my mind was whirling wildly, thoughts of Tanner intruding at every turn. My mind was racing with questions and worries, hoping that he wasn’t too upset with me. I could feel myself starting to get anxious, and I really wanted to focus on my time with my father.
There was something calming about his presence, but since I couldn’t even tell him about how I felt about Tanner, it was hard to sit there in front of him. I wondered if Tanner had the same feelings as me, or was it easy for him to just turn them off and move on without another thought? Just the idea, just the thought of him moving on made me sick to my stomach, and I knew I would eventually have to be honest about the way I felt. Right at that moment, though, I needed to take my mind off of him, and start focusing on my dad, making sure that relationship was stable once again.
By the time dinner was over, I was able to multitask enough to hear what my father was saying and still have Tanner floating around in my mind. I tried to pay for the food, but as always, my father insisted on treating me. It made him feel good to take care of me, since he no longer was able to do so on a regular basis. I drove him back to my place, and he walked me up to the door, not wanting to really talk about what his next moves with Mom were. I stood outside, leaning in and squeezing my father, loving how safe I felt when I was wrapped in his arms. I felt safe with Tanner, too, just as safe as I did with my father, which was a huge revelation.
“I’ll see you soon,” Dad whispered. “And remember, don’t make any rash career choices, especially not when there’s emotion behind it. Do what is best for you, search out what you want the most, and don’t ever tell yourself you can’t achieve it.”
“Thanks, Dad,” I said as he pulled back and headed back toward the street. “I love you.”
“Love you too, sweetie.” He waved as I walked inside.
I shut the door behind me and looked around, realizing that Tanner had been hiding in my room. I sprinted back, but the place was empty, Tanner already gone. My heart sank, even though I knew it was insane to think he had waited there for me. I had left when the situation was flipped, and after what I had said, it would be hard to believe he wasn’t hurt. I picked up my phone and dialed his number, but he never picked up. I didn’t want to leave a voicemail since I wasn’t exactly sure what I wanted to say. I needed him to get in contact with me, to tell me everything was okay, but in reality, I wasn’t sure if it was. I sent him a text and closed my phone, waiting patiently for a reply that would never come.
He may be able to ignore my calls and texts, but that didn’t mean he could avoid me in person. I knew where he worked, and I would make sure to go in tomorrow and show up at his desk. I wasn’t going to let him push me out of his life, not after I realized how much I cared about him. I needed to apologize, I knew that, but my problem wasn’t my inability to apologize, it was the stubbornness I knew he had in him. He always talked about how stubborn my father was, but what he didn’t realize was when someone challenged him outside of his comfort zone, he was just as stubborn and frustrating. It was definitely going to be tough. Knowing that, I had to brace for a fight. Hopefully, I could get to him before he completely cut me out of his life.
I mean, he couldn’t ignore me when I laid it all out on the line. At least, I hoped that he couldn’t. No matter how many times he walked away, he would still hear the words, and that was important. Once they were in his mind, they couldn’t be erased, and no matter how much he was ignoring me, he really did care. I saw it in his face when he came over to check on me, I heard it in his voice when he gave me the week off, and I read it in his eyes as we made love on my couch. He could deny it to himself all he wanted, but he couldn’t fool me. There was no hiding himself from me because I’d grown to know him, to love him.
I went into my bedroom and picked out my clothes for the next day, wanting to look as good as possible. When I was done, I jumped in the shower and let the hot water run over me, washing the stresses down the drain. Finally, after so many days of worrying, I had my father back in my life, but it came at a price. I had lied to him and to myself about my feelings for Tanner, and now I had to fix things with Tanner before it was too late. My father told me I could do and have anything I put my mind to, and I wanted a relationship with my family and a relationship with Tanner at the same time. I just wasn’t sure if it was possible anymore.
Chapter 25: Tanner
It was Thursday, and after yesterday, I wasn’t even sure if I would make it to the weekend. I had deliberately separated myself from my emotions and feelings for Ava, but instead of giving me back my motivation, it left a hole. I felt down, bleak, and pretty empty inside, something that wasn’t going to fly when I met with the investors later on. I was wrapping up a meeting at that moment, but had no clue as to what we had talked about since my brain seemed to have gone in its own direction.
There was nothing worse than fighting your own brain to stay on cue. I knew that this would eventually end, and I would feel better someday, but it was not what I wanted to be going through at such a critical time for the business. I wanted to be focused, on my game, and ready to jump headfirst into this merger with everyone else. I had neglected everything because of the issues with Ava, and now that she had made it perfectly clear that she was not planning on seeing me anymore, I needed to get my life back.
I wasn’t angry per se, but I was definitely feeling hurt, and that was an emotion that I just didn’t know how to handle. I hadn’t been hurt by a woman since my ex, and even that was more angry-hurt than heartbroken. I had seen that breakup coming a mile away, but Ava, after what we had just been through, she definitely caught me off guard. It was hard to ignore her phone calls and texts, but I didn’t even know what to say to her, and it was seeming impossible to fight back or be angry with her. I sighed as I packed up my things and headed f
or the office, pausing as I passed inside, noticing Ava standing behind her desk. She looked up at me and blushed with an arm full of files. I turned toward her as she approached, wanting to smile, but keeping myself together and looking at her with confusion.
“Hi,” she said, approaching. “I wanted to give you these files. I didn’t want to interrupt the meeting, and it was already going when I got here, so I just sat it out.”
She stood there staring at me for several moments before I reached out and took the files from her hands. She looked beautiful, and she was wearing the tight red dress that I loved. I smiled awkwardly and looked through the files, realizing she had completed the work. When she had ever found the time to do that, I had no idea, but I wasn’t going to complain about it. I wanted her to stay at the company, to feel free to do her work, but I didn’t want her there if it was going to lead to awkward conversations and unneeded distractions. I could tell from the look on her face that she knew I’d heard her and her father’s conversation, but she hadn’t even tried yet, even through her texts, to explain herself. The only thing I could do was believe it was how she really felt and move on with my life. I wasn’t down for the games anymore, and I wasn’t going to chase someone who didn’t want to be with me.
“I gave you the whole week off,” I said, looking down. “You really need to decide what you’re going to do as far as staying here or not. You know I want you to stay with the company, but I can’t make the decision for you.”
She stood there staring at me as I finished up the files and gave each an initial on the left corner so she could move them on to the next section. I tried to ignore the look on her face, the tears welling up in her eyes, and the increased heart rate. I knew if I looked at her and saw her pain that I fold instantly, and I didn’t want to fold. I understood that she had been through a lot, and I understood that her father put her on the spot when he showed up unannounced, but when he did that to me, I didn’t in any way say anything that would hurt her. Sure, her father found out about us because of my phone, but it wasn’t thought out or intentional. She had thoughtfully told her father she wasn’t seeing me anymore, with the full knowledge that I could hear everything that they were saying.
I could feel the anger and hurt welling up in my chest, and I took a deep breath, finishing up the signatures and shoving the files back into her hands. I didn’t look at her face. I couldn’t, but I could feel her standing there staring at me. I turned to my secretary and tapped the desk.
“I don’t want to be disturbed for a while,” I said.
