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“Yes, please. A latte would be great. I’ll take a look through this again while I wait.”
It’s almost pointless for him to do so since he doesn’t understand any of it, but I don’t bother saying that. I give him a smile through gritted teeth instead. “I’ll be right back.”
As I get to the luxurious coffee machine – the one good thing about working here – I see Grant standing with his head in his hands. My heart skips a beat as I see him, he’s one of those men who manages to be good looking even when he’s been working for twelve hours straight. His blond hair is disheveled, his blue eyes look strained, his skin is sallow and tired… but still I like him. It’s just a shame that the feelings will never be reciprocated. He has a girlfriend who’s so beautiful that it’s actually painful. She’s got long, gorgeous legs, amazing boobs, a great face… and she’s funny too. She’s the complete package types and I’m incredibly jealous of her. Maybe if Grant could see me at my best, out of work, he would see me in the same light but he never does.
“Long day?” I ask him with a bright, beaming smile. “Looks like you’re having fun.”
“I’ve just been at it for so long,” he whines pathetically. “I’m so freaking tired.”
I move to the coffee machine and make some drinks for me and my client. “Yeah tell me about it. Still, it’s the partner meeting soon, we all have to keep it up.”
Grant is probably the only one person I wouldn’t mind losing, but only because of the ridiculous crush I have on him. I’m so pitiful that I’d actually be happy to see him getting the reward which I so desperately need. I wouldn’t even mind working my ass off for a few extra months if he could be happy. Despite the fact that he has it all already. God, I need to get a grip!
“Yeah, that’s true.” Grant loosens his tie and shakes his head. “Still, I had plans tonight and I’ve had to cancel again. It gets on top of me a bit sometimes.”
“Oh shit!” I yank my phone out of my pocket as his words remind me of something. “Oh, my God, I have to make a phone call quickly. Just… could you please watch the drinks for me, will you?”
Grant gives me an odd look but he nods and agrees with me. I know that I’m acting strange but I need to make this call now before it gets any later. Robyn, my best friend since college, is already going to be mad at me for this, I don’t want to make it worse. I move into an empty hallway with my heart thumping in my throat. I can’t deny that I’m nervous to make this call. I promised faithfully that I wouldn’t let her down this time, but here I am about to do it again.
I bite down my nail and pace up and down while the phone rings, amping up my nerves more with each passing second. The anticipation is killing me. I can’t stand it.
“Don’t tell me,” Robyn answers with a weary sounding voice. “You can’t come.”
“I’m so sorry, I only just remembered I know that I promised, but it’s just that…”
“Work, I know. I always know. It’s always work.”
“It’ll get better, I promise you,” I insist maybe a little too frantically. “Once I’m made partner, it’ll be much better I won’t let you down again.”
“Katy, I know you keep telling me this, but you are always busy. From what I understand the partners at your office are always busy. There doesn’t seem to be anyone in your office that has any kind of social life. I really don’t think anything will change…”
“Please don’t be mad at me.”
I can’t lose Robyn, she’s the only one who’s stuck around in my crazy, busy life. When we left college, there were lots of us but most of them drifted off to their own ends of the country to do their own things, but very few remained all stuck together. Except now, they’ve stuck with Robyn but not me. I don’t blame them, I’m never free to do anything so there isn’t much point in inviting me, but still… I cannot lose Robyn.
“I’m sorry.”
“I know you are and I’m not mad,” she sighs desperately. “I just worry about you. I think you’re lonely and you work too hard. Mike would have been perfect for you and he was really looking forward to double date with me but with Jon tonight, I just know this is going to crush him.”
When I think about Robyn and Jon it makes my stomach clench. They’ve only been together for six months but it just works. It’s so obvious that they’re meant to be… that’s what I want. It’s what I want so badly that it hurts, but who would put up with someone who is never around? The only person I can think of who might want to be with me is Grant, because he understands, he’s always at work too. We could make up for lost time by seeing one another at work… but he has a girlfriend and it’s never going to happen. At this rate, I might die alone. Especially if Robyn is right and it won’t get better once I’m a partner. Maybe I will still be as busy. Who knows? Not me, not anymore.
“I’m sorry. Maybe we can do it again sometime…”
“Katy, I don’t mean to be horrible, but this is the third time you’ve stood Mike up. I think he’ll only have so much patience, you know?”
I huff, knowing that she’s right. Mike could be the perfect man for me and I’m constantly letting him down and ruining things before they can even become anything. But I can’t send Mr. Thomas away now. Not so close to the partner meeting. Unfortunately, I have to choose work over love once more. Story of my damn life. I just really hope it isn’t always this way.
“I’m sorry, Robyn. And I’m sorry to Mike too.”
“I know you are. Just… make sure
this all makes you happy, okay? I’ll speak to you soon.”
Once I hang up the phone, I stare at the screen for a moment, wondering why Robyn’s words have made me feel so weird inside. Of course, work makes me happy, that’s why I spend so much time at it, that’s why it’s all I care about. I went to college to study law for a reason, it called to me and I’ve always known that it’s what I want. Sure, it isn’t quite what I dreamed but it can’t be that way right away. Everyone has to go through the hard bits before their dreams fully come true. That’s common knowledge. If it comes easy then there isn’t any point to it. Is there?
So why do I feel right now like it doesn’t make me happy? Why do I feel like I can’t breathe? Like my lungs have collapsed and my heart is racing far too quickly? Why does it feel like the walls are closing in on me and that I might be trapped at any given moment? I could panic, if I wanted to, but I’m doing everything that I can to ensure that doesn’t happen. I can’t panic right now, not when I have so much I need to do. I have to get the coffees, I have to get back to Mr. Thomas, I need to explain to him the same thing over and over again until I’m just about ready to tear my own hair out…
“Katy?” Grant’s chocolaty smooth voice runs right through me, making me jump and snap my eyes up to see him. I feel like I’ve gone crazy and I’m scared he might see that. “Are you okay?”
