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“The doctor is in there now,” Nancy whispers to me. “I think you need to speak to him.”
I nod slowly and push the door, forcing myself to be brave. Liam needs me to be the father right now that I haven’t always been. I need to push my bullshit aside and look after him. But still it scares the living hell out of me when I see him. My boy looks tiny under the sheets, the hospital bed devours him. I hate it, all I want to do is rip him from the bed to hold him in my arms. I don’t want to be so separate from him anymore. I hate this.
“Oh, you’re here.” A lady in a white coat says from behind me. “And you are the boy’s father, I presume?” I nod rapidly. “Okay great. There are some things that I need to discuss with you.”
“Is my boy going to be okay?” I ask her desperately. “Is Liam going to… to…” I can’t vocalize the end of that sentence because it’s just too hard to say. I can’t say the one word that will tear my chest apart. I can’t even think about losing Liam, it’s just an impossible thought.
“We do need to take him into surgery, which is unfortunate, but it’s the only thing we can do right now to save his life. He must have a blood transfusion.”
“Oh my goodness, take my blood,” I gush instantly. “Take all my blood, whatever he needs just please make him okay again.” I life up my shirt and push my veins out towards her as if that’s going to speed up the process somehow. “Just save him, please…”
“Doctor Smith,” she fills in that last part for me. “And that’s great, but are you the same blood type? What we really need right now is some A plus, that’s what your son is. I have someone scanning the system, but at the moment it doesn’t look like we have any in.”
“Fuck, no I’m O negative. It was my wife that shared the same blood type.” I tug my fingers through my hair which has now turned greasy and tangled because of all the stress that I’ve put on it today. “She’s dead now. She died in a car crash years ago.”
The doctor turns a funny ashen shade as if she doesn’t know what to say to that. It’s fair enough, no one ever does. It’s an awkward topic to discuss, especially now with everything else that’s happening. “I see, well I am sure that we’ll be able to find some at another hospital and we’ll be able to get some driven over. It might take a bit more time, but we’ll do what we can.”
“Will that affect Liam’s chances?” I gasp desperately. “Will he… you know?” The fact that she doesn’t answer me is worrying, I don’t like it at all. “Okay, well I’ll ask Nancy, she might be…”
“The girl that came in with the boy? No, we’ve already checked with her.” The nurse smiles at me in a way that I’m sure is supposed to be reassuring, but it doesn’t work at all. I feel all messed up inside. “I will make it my top priority to sort this out, just sit with your son and try not to worry.”
I watch her as she leaves the room, parting my lips as I scan my brain frantically to find some words to make her stay. I don’t know how comfortable I feel being left in the room on my own with my sick son. I need someone who will be able to care for him if things get crazy… but I don’t say anything quickly enough and soon I’m left by myself.
I turn my head towards Liam with my heart pounding in my mouth. He looks so frail and fragile there, it makes me want to weep. The tears are there behind my eyes but they aren’t coming out just yet. It’s like the tap is stuck and it won’t turn on. I slowly move my feet towards the bed, feeling like I’m floating on air as I move. None of this feels real, it has a real nightmarish quality to it. I blink my eyes a few times, wishing I could wake up, but all of this is so very real.
“Oh, Liam,” I gasp as I fall into the seat next to his bed. “I’m so sorry that this happened to you.” Of course, he doesn’t answer me, he’s blacked out on the bed but I hope he can hear me. I’ve heard that people in comas can still hear their loved ones as they talk, and I hope this is a similar situation. “I’m sorry, I just… I know that I haven’t been the best father in the world, but I want to be better.” I grab his hand and stare at his lifeless body, hating myself even more. “I have been planning for a while to change things around once this court case thing was done anyway, but now I realize more than ever how badly I need to change. I need to be there more for you.”
My head slumps forward and finally a tear falls out. This situation reminds me so much of that dreaded day when I lost all the other people in my family and that memory claws violently at my chest.
“You know, your mom would be really proud of the way that you’ve turned out.” I turn to the one subject that I never discuss with Liam because it’s so damn painful, which is something else that I need to change. I thought that I was doing him a favor by keeping him away from the hurtful topic, but now I can see that I was being selfish. I was doing what I needed. Now I know that’s something else I need to change. I need to keep Victoria’s memory alive within her. “She loved you so much, more than any other mother that I’ve ever known. She doted on you like you were a little china doll or something.” I chuckle awkwardly to myself as I remember Victoria’s bond with Liam. “She would love you now. So damn much. She would be so… so…” The tears come hard and fast. “So…”
I can’t speak anymore, I’m a complete and utter sobbing mess. Yes, Victoria would be proud of Liam but I don’t think she would be me. I don’t think she’d be happy to see me all about work and nothing else. She’s probably haunting me right now, screaming in my ear that I need to be a better person, and I’ve been ignoring her. Carrying on in my own bullshit way.
Please, I beg in my mind, trying everything in the damn pathetic hope that someone might be haunting me. Please, Victoria, let Liam live. Help him. Do whatever the hell you can. Don’t take my boy away from me, please God, I need him. He’s perfect, he deserves to live.
I don’t really believe in ghosts or praying or whatever, but today, with Liam in a bed and tubes everywhere, with his life in the hands of other people, I’m willing to try anything. As the tears stream violently down my cheeks, I lose all control of myself and I lay my weeping head on my son’s body. I need someone to find some A positive blood and quickly. I don’t know how much more of this I can take…
Chapter Twenty Two – Katy
I breathe a deep sigh and collapse against the wall as soon as I leave the meeting room behind me, having come to some sort of agreement. I definitely don’t think that was my best work since I didn’t have Evan with me and my head wasn’t fully in the game, but I’m content with what I’ve achieved. I think it’s the best thing I can get for the time being and I have more time to work on things.
I take the moment with my eyes closed to adjust from ‘meeting mode’ back to reality. I’ve fought so hard, all on my own, and now it’s time to bring myself back down. I know that I need to speak to Evan right away to let him know what’s going on, but I just need time to cool down first. I don’t want to speak to him all frantic and worried when he’s already going through so much.
God, I really hope that Liam is okay, I think as it all comes flooding back. That’s the most important thing here. All of this is nothing compared to that panic.
After a few moments, I collect myself together and I make my way outside. The cool air brushes past my skin and whips my hair around, waking me up a little bit. I wish I had a car since I have all this paper work with me, but I suppose a cab will have to do. I can’t complain that Evan drove me and he had to leave, that just is what it is. Can’t be helped.
I drop what I can to the ground by the side of the building and I tug my cell phone out of my pocket. I hit dial on the first nu
mber in my recent call list, which is Evan. It seems that I’ve been calling him a lot recently. I tap my foot on the ground as it rings, internally begging him to pick up. I know he said to leave him a voice mail, but I don’t know how I’ll handle not being able not knowing what’s going on. I need to know what’s happening with Liam, I can’t hack it.
“Hello?” As his stressed voice answers the phone, a little bit of me feels relieved. I don’t know what I would think if he didn’t answer the phone. “Katy?”
“Hi, Evan, I erm… I just wanted to talk to you about the meeting.” I shake my head. What’s the point of talking about that now when there’s so much else to worry about? “It went well, I’ll tell you the details later on. How are things with Liam? Is he okay?”
I bite down on my nail as I wait for him to answer, massively freaking out as I do. He seems to be taking far too long to answer which is horrible, it can only spell bad news. My brain flickers up the most horrific images it can find, almost as if I’m trying to prepare me for what might happen. It makes me sick and anxious, I can barely handle it at all.
Please don’t let this be anything, I beg silently inside my brain. Please let everything be okay.
