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I could leave it there if I wanted to, but I don’t. My entire body buzzes with excitement as I rapidly hit the reply button. I was tired before, but now I’m wide awake than I’ve ever been in my entire life. I feel like I’ve been eating sugar all day long and now I’m high as a kite. I could stay up all night long shooting messages back and forth with Logan, I just know it.
This time, because of the late hour and the privacy of my own duvet prison, on top of the crazy high that I’m currently riding, I decide to go just a tad more risqué, just to see what I can get from it.
‘I’m glad that when I leave I’ll be living in the city so I won’t be too far from you,’
As soon as I hit the send button, a sick feeling of shame and regret floods me. That’s something I definitely shouldn’t have done, I can see that now. Every single time I refresh the page and I don’t have anything back, it makes my head spin and spiral down into a deep dark place. It’s like being on a roller coaster, the massive high has given way to a giant dip and I don’t like it one bit. Until…
‘Yes, me too. I’ll be glad that I can still keep an eye on you… if you need me to.’
Oh, thank God, he’s messaged me back! And with a bit of a possessive, protective message too which feels nice. I like the idea of him hiding in every corner, watching me, protecting me from a distance, ready to leap out and hold me at any given moment. It makes me feel loved and excited.
‘I will always need you to.’
At that moment, the battery light flashes up which means I really need to turn the tablet off and charge the battery if I don’t want to go through hell tomorrow. I make sure that I log out of everything possible so there isn’t any way of anyone reading my emails by mistake (or on purpose, if it’s Leah), then I step quietly out of the bed to find the wall plug. Logan knows what the routines in this place are like anyway, he’ll know that I’m not ignoring him.
I also hope that my simple message is an effective one and he gets how I feel!
Once I get back into bed and I snuggle down with my eyes closed, my brain concocts a wonderful dream about me and Logan. Only this time, it isn’t all sweetness and light, romance and flowers. It’s steamier, sweatier, and a whole lot sexier. I even think about what his naked body might look like, and in my mind, it’s a wonderful sight to behold! As I imagine him slowly stripping me down and making sweet, passionate love to me, I feel more grown up than ever before.
I’m starting to see myself as an adult, just as everyone else is too.
Dream Logan makes me feel beautiful and sexy, which is something I wouldn’t be able to achieve without him. He looks at me in a way that suggests he genuinely does see me as pretty. The funny thing is he knows all the ugly sides to me, he’s seen me at my worst, and he still feels something for me. If that isn’t true love then I don’t know what is. How could anyone want anything more than a man who thinks they are beautiful even when they aren’t? I know that I don’t. My life will be perfect if I can have him in it, it’ll be the full picture of happiness that I’ve been searching my whole life for.
Chapter Thirteen – Logan
Why can’t I stop responding to Pru every time she does something that I know for sure is wrong? Every cheeky smile, every subtle but sexy stare, every email… I keep telling myself to take a step back from her but I can’t. It must be obvious to everyone else in the center, they must be able to feel the very obvious chemistry between us, but no one has commented as of yet. No one’s remarked on the fact that I keep turning up for breakfast when I rarely did before, no one says anything about Pru and me having more and more meetings together, and it seems that no one’s picked up on the online communication yet, which is good because that’s the riskiest thing of them all. The emails leave a paper trail, written evidence and although we don’t say anything inappropriate, I’m sure some of it is crossing a line. I hope it never gets found out and we manage to escape it.
Actually, after this afternoon, I’ll finally be able to relax and breathe properly again because the issue will be resolved. Pru’s birthday is today so we’re having a mini celebration for her. Usually, we don’t do much about birthdays because they can be extremely traumatic for some of the kids we get brought in, but since this is a goodbye party as well, we’re going all out.
Later tonight, Pru will move in to her new apartment, hopefully to never return, and all will go back to normal. I can stop being a freak, coming in to the center all the time, and I can work on rebuilding the areas of my life that I’ve come to see need some help. Things that I’ve neglected.
I harbor no illusion that Pru will continue to keep in touch with me once she starts crafting her own life, I will become some distant crush that she had a long time ago, so I need to keep myself distracted while I get over her. I may have to see her now and again to get my deposit money back, but I’m not that bothered to be honest. If she drifts away from me I’m more than happy to let her have it to get her started. For now, I think I need to focus on me for a while, to get my own very messy life in order once more. I need to turn acquaintances into friends and reconnect with people from my past that I’ve let go. If something good can come out of this, it’s that.
“Okay, so I think that’s everything,” Hank, one of the kitchen staff, comments. “We’ve been told not to make too big a deal out of things because otherwise everyone will start crying and it might trigger some of the kids, so we’ve got a cake, some sandwiches, and some odd snack bits.”
“Yep. I’m sure that’ll be fine,” I reply stiffly, not sure how to behave really. “And what time is this going on until? Is the car coming to pick the girl up right afterwards?”
“Why? You got big plans tonight?” Hank smirks knowingly at me. “You got a hot date?”
I almost snap back at him that it’s none of his business but I stop myself at the last moment. I’m trying to actually be genuinely friendly with some of these people. I just need to give Hank a chance, he might turn out to be one of the people that I really can’t live without… maybe.
“Yeah, something like that,” I lie, because I can’t tell him that I’ll be drowning my sorrows. “Just want to know what time I can get out of here for the day, you know how it is.”
“The car is coming for her at six so you can definitely go then.”
Six o’ clock and it’ll all be over. There’s a part of my heart that tears into shreds but another part that’s simply relieved. The last few weeks have been the most torturous of my entire life. I’ve never lusted after someone that I can’t have so hard before and it’s the worst feeling in the world.
r /> “Great, I’ll be hitting a bar at quarter past then,” I attempt to joke, but I don’t think the mirth comes off too well. “Or maybe not, since it’s a Thursday night and I have work tomorrow.”
Work here, without Pru Evans in the building. How weird is that going to be? She’s been a constant presence for five years, even when I haven’t felt like this. Urgh, I’m so conflicted and confused at the moment, I’m driving myself insane. I need a damn good shake!
Hank gives me a funny look, proving that any chances of friendship with him might be well out the window, before he leaves me alone in the communal room while I wait for this little party thing to start. I finished my appointments a while back in preparation and now I’m keen to get this done. Especially the first bit when I see Pru. I haven’t seen her yet today. I’m nervous about it.
“Hey.” Oh my God, as if I’ve summoned her up by magic, I hear her soft voice behind me.
I spin around to give her a curious look. “Hi, Pru, is everything okay?”
She nods a little unsurely. “Yes, I think so. It’s a big day today and I’m a bit anxious.”
