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“Are you okay?” Hank asks me, interrupting my inappropriate trail of thoughts.
“Huh?” I give him a curious look, wondering why he wants to speak with me now. “What?”
“Well, you’re gripping onto that coffee mug really tightly and I don’t think there’s even anything in it. Am I right?” He peers into the mug, invading my personal space as he does. “Yep, empty, just as I suspected. So, is something going on, man? I know that we don’t talk much but if you need someone to shoot the shit with, or to go for a beer with, or whatever, I’m here.”
My heart stops in my chest, it’s what I was wanting not so long ago but it feels like the offer has come at completely the wrong time. This is a guy that I work with, so I can’t confide in him about all this madness with Pru, and I also don’t think I can invite him in while I’m going through it. He’ll think I’m strange and that I’m keeping things from him, which isn’t the best basis for a friendship.
Then again, I don’t want to totally blow him off either, because there’s a big chance that when all of this inevitably blows up in my face – which it will, I have no doubt about that – then friendship is going to be a big part of what I need. Hank seems like he could be an okay guy anyway, so why not start with him? He’s the only person who has expressed an interest in befriending me!
“That’s really nice, Hank, thank you.” I give him the brightest smile I can muster. “I’m okay at the moment, just tired and stressed out. But the beer sounds awesome one night.”
“I’m actually going out with some of the kitchen staff tonight, if you want to?”
In all honesty that sounds amazing. I feel like I could use a break from all this madness to have a normal night doing really normal things. Maybe with some guy time I could get my head together and decide what I want to do for sure. Me and Pru have complicated things by sleeping together, there’s no denying that, so whatever we do next will be a really delicate situation. I need to do it right, which is why this might be perfect… but I don’t want to fully commit to it, just in case.
“Yeah, maybe I will,” I say happily. “I’ll see how things go here today and let you know.”
“Oh well here’s my cell phone number, so give me a call or a text if you decide to.”
I watch as he pulls a pad of paper out from his jacket pocket and he writes his number down. I feel really glad that he’s reached out to me and he’s given me an option. Hank might not know it, but this couldn’t have come at a better time. My head hasn’t ever been this messed up before and while I can’t talk about it, it’s always nice to know that I’m not completely alone.
“You know, when I first saw you a minute ago, I assumed that it had to be women trouble.” Hank smiles innocently as his says this heavy statement to me. He clearly doesn’t know anything, he’s just trying to be kind. “But then again, isn’t it always? Women bring nothing but trouble.”
For a moment, I don’t know what to say, then I realize I can confide without actually giving myself away. I can’t get one hundred percent bullet proof advice from him, but I can offload just a little bit which is probably what I need more than anything else, just to talk. The secret is killing me.
“Yeah, well it is,” I admit. “I’m sort of… into someone that I shouldn’t be.”
“Ah, a friends’ ex?” he asks knowingly. I don’t see any reason to correct him, that’s as good an excuse as any. “We’ve all been there. It’s all well and good saying bros before hos, but what about when there’s a real sexual chemistry there? Sometimes it’s too hard to resist.”
Thank God, it isn’t just me who’s made a mistake! Other people have given in to that very carnal human need as well. “Yeah, I know what you mean. It’s a nightmare, isn’t it?”
Hank gives me a look. “Isn’t it just? But sometimes you have to work out if it’s worth it.”
With that he leaves to get back to work leaving me with his number and the option to go out tonight if I want to. I don’t know how I’ll communicate that message to Pru because she doesn’t yet have a cell phone, but I suppose that doesn’t matter. I don’t have to, it isn’t like I’m her boyfriend and I have to let her know of my whereabouts all the time, she has a key to get in and she’s been at my home for long enough to feel at home… but it would be shitty to have sex with her one day then just not come home until late the next, all drunk and stupid. We haven’t really talked about what happened at all and I don’t think it’s a good idea for our first conversation to be a fight.
Still, right now I need to get to work, so it’s something I can figure out later on…
***
But Of course I can’t, not really. It doesn’t matter what I’m doing all day long, she’s on my brain the entire time. When no one is in the room with me I’m recalling snippets of that magical, sexual night that we just shared, and when other people are in the room all I’m wondering is why I can’t let her go when I know how much it’s a risk. I want to know why I can’t just fall for someone I can have properly, someone that I can just be with without having to worry about it.
But there has to be something in this, I wouldn’t be willing to put everything on the line if there wasn’t. My feelings for her must be too damn near to the L word for me to do all of this. I haven’t ever thought of any of the people from the center in this way before, I wouldn’t, I’m not that type of person at all. I’ve always been incredibly respectful of my job… but with Pru, it’s different.
“Are you even listening to me?” Leah’s course voice grabs my attention. “Mr. Banker?”
“Sorry, Leah.” I don’t see any point in lying to her, when it’s completely obvious how distracted I am. She’s not dumb, even if she’s loud and brash at times. “I don’t feel so good today.”
“That isn’t it at all.” She folds her arms defensively across her chest. “You’ve been this way for ages now. Ever since Prudence left actually.” Hearing her mention Pru, in regards to myself as well, makes my heart stop dead in my chest. I have to really reel myself in so I don’t say something dumb and blow my cover without even trying. “I think you miss her and we’re all suffering because of it.”
My heart thunders against my rib cage, I grip tightly to the edge of my seat, I do what I can to keep my breathing at as normal a pace as I can physically manage. Leah doesn’t know, she can’t, she would be first one to blurt it out if she did. I need to act normally to avoid raising suspicion.
“Prudence Evans has been gone for a while now,” I say in a grave voice. “I’m sure that we all miss her, but that doesn’t affect me or anyone else particularly, nor will it impact our work.”
“I don’t miss her,” Leah spits out spitefully. “I thought that she was really annoying.”
I slam my notebook closed, not wanting to get into any sort of conversation about Pru right now. “Right, well I think we’re done for the day here. It’s almost time for me to go home so I will go back and make myself feel better. We will pick this up next time I’m here, okay?”
I stand up, not giving Leah a chance to react or argue with me. She does give me a bit of a curious look but she stands to leave the room as well. I have no idea how much of our time that we’ve been through but as far as I’m concerned, we’re done here. I have nothing more to say.
