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I collapse into bed hours later, feeling all the emotional energy drain from my body completely. That was the hardest thing that I’ve ever had to but it’s over now. I managed to prove without a doubt that nothing happened while I was at the center and that the emails were merely a young girl reaching out to a friend that she could trust. I was honest too, mostly, I don’t think I fully explained how I felt about him then, but that’s my fault not his. He doesn’t deserve to be punished.
I didn’t say much about what happened after we left the center because they didn’t ask me. That’s my business anyway, I was officially an adult by then. It was up to me what I do.
It’s not going to go any further, thankfully that was something that I had to make a decision on which means I got to end it. Logan might not ever know what I’ve done but that hardly matters. I didn’t do it for recognition, I did it because it’s the right thing to do. For both of us.
Of course there’s a part of me that wants to tell him, but that’s because I want to tell him everything I want to talk to him about all that happens in my life. But I can’t. It’s better if I try to get some sleep instead. I’m slowly recovering from my addiction to Logan, and I don’t want to go back.
With a deep sigh, I click the cell phone off so I don’t even have the small temptation any more. Maybe it’s time for me to get a new one. Logan gave me this, it’s a constant reminder of him. Plus, if I have a new number I won’t be able to wonder all the time if he’s going to message me, because it’ll be impossible for him to do so. A clean break, that’s the way it needs to be. I have to accept that it’s time to give him up forever. It isn’t going to ever be how I want it to be.
I will have tonight to mourn for one last time, but then I have to get over this. I need to make plans to actually move on. Maybe I should move house, leave the city, start afresh. Get a job I like, make friends that are closer to my age and that I have more in common with, girls I actually feel like I can be honest with, and maybe fall in love again… only this time with someone much more appropriate. Someone who can properly love me back and that the world won’t be against.
As I close my eyes, I dream about that life. I imagine myself shaking off the shackles of the mess that I’ve made here, starting again in a brighter, happier life. I picture myself leaving all of this behind and forgetting about it. I don’t want to be the girl who runs away all the time, but maybe that’s what I need to be for the time being. Just until I finally get it right.
That has to come eventually, right? There has to be a time when I get it right, when my life finally starts making sense. I can’t keep on making mistake after mistake forever. Surely?
Chapter Twenty Seven – Logan
I don’t know what I’m doing anymore, I really don’t. Despite my best efforts, I haven’t managed to get my job back but I actually ended up pushing so hard that Alexandra said she was alerting the cops to what had happened. I haven’t heard anything about it since, but I keep waiting for the day when they knock down my door to lock me up, Pru must want revenge on me by now.
“You look a bit fucked up, if I’m honest,” my new best friend and fuck buddy, Cassie, or Snake Girl as I sometimes call her, says to me with a smirk. “Maybe it’s time for some water now?”
I promised myself that I would keep away from her after the first time we did stuff, but then as I’ve proven to myself I can’t resist the people that I’m definitely supposed to be avoiding.
“I don’t want water,” I growl in a sexy manner at her. “I want to go into the back with you.”
Maybe it isn’t wise to lose myself in booze and fucking when I should be spending my time hunting for a new job, but I just can’t face it. I can’t stand waiting for the question of why I left my last job. I don’t want anyone to know about that at all. I just want to forget about it, to put it in the past. Even Pru, I wish she wasn’t in my mind all the time, I wish I could forget the love I have for her, but it gets stronger every single day. Without her is worse than with her.
“You can’t come in the back with me, buddy, because the bar is full,” Cassie hisses back, seemingly getting irritated with me. The funny thing is I was scared of her becoming too attached to me, but it seems that I’ve become the crazed bunny boiler stalker who can’t let her go. It isn’t even her that I want, not really. But since I can’t have her, Cassie will do. I mean, she’s cool, she’s sexy and fun. What more could I want from a chick? Especially since she isn’t clingy. “I think it might be time for you to go, don’t you? You’ve had far too much. You better sleep it off.”
“But I don’t want to sleep it off,” I pout like a child. “This sucks. I want another one.”
Cassie slams her hands down on the bar and she stares at me. ?
??Look, I’m not fucking around here. You’ve been in here for the last few weeks drinking until you’re stupid and making my job very difficult. I don’t want to be a dick, but you really have to go now.”
Still, I don’t leave. I remain seated as an intense sadness flurries through me. If I go I have to be in my apartment alone, thinking about what I’ve lost then I’ll end up going insane. I thought that time alone would help me to recover from my feelings for Pru, I assumed that I would figure out that it’s just a phase, but it’s gone nowhere. It’s stronger than ever.
“Dude.” Cassie clings onto my hands and she gives me an intense look. “I don’t know what is going on with you, but there’s clearly something that you need to sort out, and sitting here in the middle of this dive bar drinking your life away isn’t going to sort it. You are much too young for any of this shit, you do realize that, right? You need to solve this and move on.”
Solve this? I wonder what needs to be solved more. I seemingly can’t fix my career so what the fuck can I do? The only other thing I want is Pru but she’s out of reach. I pushed her away and I fucked things up. How can I go back to her and say ‘oh sorry, I didn’t mean it. I thought I had to sacrifice you to keep on working, but I was wrong’? She’ll hate me even more than she does already.
“I can’t fix it,” I tell Cassie sadly. “It’s too far gone, she doesn’t want to know.”
“Women trouble,” she mutters under her breath. “I should have known. Look, if this chick is worth of all this, then she’s worth fighting for as well. You might think that it’s done, but you could be wrong. You won’t know until you try, will you? Isn’t it worth having a go?”
Something about her words sets me free, she’s right about trying. I’ve been sitting here in a pool of misery, giving up. I’ve decided how Pru feels without even asking her. She probably hasn’t contacted me because I haven’t spoke to her, and I’m the one who freaked out and kicked her out. Maybe I should give her a chance to actually talk to me about how she feels. That would be the damn smart thing to do, I cannot believe that I didn’t think about it before.
“You’re right,” I gush happily at Cassie. “Oh my God, you’re right. I do need to do that.” I slap my hand down and push myself up. “Yep, I’m going to go now. I’ll… I’ll sober up on the way, it’ll be fine.” I don’t want to pause, even if it’s the smart thing to do. “Thank you, Cassie.”
As I run out of the bar, nothing has ever felt so right before. I can’t believe I haven’t done this yet, I’m such an idiot! What’s the point in sacrificing the only girl that I’ve ever loved for a job that doesn’t want me anymore? Why give up the only thing that’s ever brought me happiness? Pru is incredible, and perfect for me, and I think that I’m good for her too. In all honesty, that’s way more important than the rest of the bullshit. Maybe it took me a while to realize it, but I know now. This is what I need to do. I have to fight for the woman that I love, just like I should’ve been doing all along.
It’s a long way, but I don’t even think about it. I start running. My brain is everywhere, darting in all directions, freaking out with nerves and excitement. Possible outcomes fill my mind and I have no idea which one of them will come true. Maybe it’ll be a happy ever after, the lovely end to a wonderful romance, or maybe it won’t. Maybe she won’t want to know me, maybe she’s already found someone else, maybe she’ll slam the door in my face… but at least I’ll have closure. I won’t have to keep wondering over and over again, asking myself ‘what if?’.
It takes me a while to run out of breath, despite everything something must be keeping me going, but when I do it takes all that I have not to collapse onto the ground. The few weeks of living the unhealthy lifestyle of a drunk have finally caught up with me, and not in a good way.
I give up, and I hail a cab. I need to get there quickly, even if it isn’t in the most heroic way. So much time has been wasted already, it’d be silly to bypass even another moment.
By the time the cab driver drops me off near where Pru lives, I feel a little less chaotic. The manic side of me has died down as I’ve sobered up and now I feel a lot more rational. This is still something that I really want to do though, that hasn’t changed just because I’m calmer. Once all of this is over, whatever way it goes, I need to thank Cassie for giving me a much needed kick, up the ass. She got through my saddled brain and made me realize that I’ve been a fool.
