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It’s just a shame that I have so many obstacles in my way. I’m shy and quiet, that’s a big part of it. Even though I’ve known Zane for most of my life, as soon as the attraction started to bloom in my stomach, I began to find it hard to talk to him. I become a tongue tied blubbering mess around him. Because of this shyness, I am completely inexperienced. At sixteen years of age, I haven’t ever even been kissed, which I’m acutely aware of. I know for a fact that an endless stream of girls throw themselves at Zane, and why wouldn’t they? He’s definitely been kissed and I’m sure there would be more than just kisses. I wouldn’t be his first… which I suppose is a good thing because I know he’ll be able to set my body alight, I worry that I won’t be good enough for him. I don’t know what I have to offer.
But that isn’t everything. There’s more. Brandon is actually my main issue. He really has stepped into the father role and probably the mother role too. He is dead against me dating anyone, and I know for a fact that he wouldn’t be able to allow me to date Zane. There’s no way he would see that as a good match. If anything were to happen between me and Zane we would lose him forever. I know for a fact that Zane wouldn’t want to lose his best friend and I cannot hurt my brother either. He’s done absolutely everything for me.
I glance at my reflection in the mirror and rip off the sweater that I wore to school. I might not want to do anything real but I can’t stop the desire to make myself look good in front of Zane, even if it’s just for my fantasies. It’s easier to picture myself pouncing on him and devouring him when I’m in my bed alone in the dead of night if I’m wearing a spaghetti strap vest top than a thick sweater. I might find it hard to speak to Zane, but that doesn’t mean I have to completely hide myself away from him. It’s only for a bit of fun.
I pout at my reflection, brushing my ash blonde hair off my face. I think I’m a bit plain looking really, I don’t have the dramatic curves or the massive cleavage that Sally or any of the other cheerleaders have, but I don’t think I’m terrible either. If you look really closely, I have a nice mouth, bee stung lips, and my wide brown eyes are sweet too. If I knew how to make the most of myself, maybe I would be seen as attractive…
“Leah, come on!” Brandon shouts, clearly getting impatient now. “I can’t do everything, can I?”
He’ll be gone soon, I remind myself with a deep sigh. This is his final year of high school. He’ll be in college soon… then everything will be up to me. I can tidy up as and when I like, it’ll be easier then.
I thunder down the stairs, grabbing my belongings as I go. My coat, my school bag, my books, my shoes. I guess I have made a mess really, I can’t be too mad. I shove everything away exactly where it’s supposed to go and join my brother in the kitchen. He’s leaning over the cooker, making us something that smells delicious.
“Is Mom working at the bar tonight?” I ask him casually. “I thought this was her night off?”
“She swapped a shift. I think Tina needs tonight off for her kid’s parent teacher conference.”
I nod slowly, but my eyes are already focused on the window, searching for Zane. I don’t know why I bother really. I’ll be able to hear the rumble of his bike engine long before I see him. Mmm, that bike…
“How are things at school?” Brandon asks me quietly. “Have those girls started leaving you alone?”
I sink my eyes to the ground, not wanting to get involved in this conversation. I never would have confided in Brandon about the trouble I had a few weeks back with some of the popular crowd because I know how much he worries. I make myself a target by being so shut off anyway, but he was watching out for me, like he always is.
“Things are fine,” I reply tightly. “It’s all blown over now, they’ve moved onto someone else.”
Brandon spins around and he gives me an intense look. He knows as well as I do that I would keep it to myself anyway, but I am being honest this time. Ever since he warned them off me, they’ve been leaving me alone. My brother and Zane are considered the most desirable guys in school; one of them a good guy and one of them a bad one to suit all tastes, so any gi
rls would do anything he says. I hardly think they know I’m his sister.
“Okay, well keep me involved,” he finally declares. “You know I want to look after you.”
Oh my God… my heart leaps into my chest, I can hear it. That delicious grumbling sound. He’s coming, Zane is finally here. Instantly I straighten my face and my back, trying to position myself at my most attractive angle, whatever that might be. I don’t know enough about my body to understand my best angles. Maybe I should spend more time looking in the mirror to study myself. That must be what other people do…
“Are you alright?” I suddenly spot Brandon giving me an odd look. “You look… strange.”
Honestly, it’s a miracle that he hasn’t picked up on my feelings yet. I really don’t know how that’s happened. To me, it seems impossible that Brandon wouldn’t notice what a freak I become, but I suppose he doesn’t want to know. Maybe it’s much easier for him to live in a pit of denial than to face what’s right in front of him.
“I’m fine, just…” I cough awkwardly, since I don’t actually have an answer. “Yeah, I’m okay.”
Zane walks through the door without even knocking. He’s here so much that he’s almost part of the furniture. I wonder if that’ll change when Brandon goes off to college, I hope he still comes around every now and again. Zane doesn’t seem like he’s got any college ambitions so I’m sure he’ll stick around here. From what I’ve overheard, he wants to work with motorcycles, so he doesn’t need to go anywhere for that.
“Yo, bitches!” he says in that silky smooth voice of his as he slides in. “How’s it hanging?”
“Hey, Zane,” Brandon shoots back. “I’m just making dinner. You staying for something to eat?”
Zane smirks at me and gives me a wink. I instantly shiver, I can’t hide it, but I know that isn’t something special. He acts that way with everyone. But still, it feels nice when it comes my way.
“I could eat, but I’m not here for long, and you aren’t either. We’re going to the Smith party tonight.”
Smith. He means Sally Smith, the cheerleader in my school class. This is a party that I probably should be going to, but I haven’t been invited. I never get invited to anything like this. I always say I wouldn’t go even if I was, but I know for a fact that I would. Especially knowing that Zane’s going to be there.
“We are?” I sigh loudly as Brandon agrees with Zane. “Oh, awesome, alright.”
A thick silence clings to the air for a couple of moments, although if I’m honest it’s probably just my anger. I don’t want Zane to be at the clutches of all those other girls. I want him to stay here with me. No that I’d dare ask. I probably wouldn’t even be able to work up the courage if Brandon wasn’t here.
“I’m headed upstairs.” I point behind me and slowly move backwards. “See you guys later.”
Hot tears sting at the back of my eyes as I try to get away before the humiliation that I’m simply not in their world. I need the privacy of my own world to fall apart in. This is the tragic side of having a crush on Zane, it isn’t all secretive fun. Knowing when he’s hooking up with someone else hurts. A lot, actually. Too damn much.
