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He understood and nodded. “Yes. We will be in touch today. Again, I am sorry.”
I didn’t let him say more before I closed the door and locked it. Then, I bent down and held Cullen in my arms tightly. Tears burned my eyes, but I could not cry. He would worry and ask questions. I knew I had to tell him, but how did I do it?
“Thank you for being such a good protector,” I told him, blinking back my tears and putting on a smile. “Now, go on back to what you were doing, and I will finish those waffles.”
Cullen nodded and hurried back to the toys he had left on the coffee table. I finished making the waffles, but I only made enough for him. I had no appetite. Tory was gone. Sure, she had made life hard, and I had threatened to take Cullen from her, but deep down, I’d thought that would straighten her out. That one day, she would clean herself up and grow up. I had never considered that she would die. Leave us this way. Forever.
I had been so mad at her that I hadn’t written to her or visited her. I hadn’t taken Cullen to see her. I had been punishing her for what she’d done. Now, it was too late, and there would be no visits. He wouldn’t see her again, and it was my fault. I should have taken him to see her.
My throat was so thick with emotion that I could barely swallow. The lump there was painful, and I managed to feed Cullen without breaking down. Rio didn’t come, and by ten, I knew he wouldn’t be by here this morning. It was for the best. I needed to be alone to figure this out.
When Cullen’s nap finally came, I went to the shower and stood under the hot water and cried. I let out all the pain, the loss, the regret. I cried for the big sister who had protected me for years. I cried for the only family I’d had when I was left without a guardian. I cried for all Tory could have been but chose not to be.
Could I have done more to help her? Had I given up on her too soon?
The water turned cold, and I stepped out and wrapped myself in a towel. Then, I went to my room and sank down on my bed. How had we come to this? Life had given her physical beauty, and maybe that was what had haunted her the most. She never admitted or talked about the years of being sexually abused. I had heard it though. I knew. I hadn’t hidden what was done to me, and I’d faced it head-on.
Was that why I wasn’t haunted? Should I have pushed her to accept the past, so she could move on?
There was another knock on the door, and I stood up and walked to see who it was. I didn’t have the energy to talk to anyone, and I was still in my towel. Rio stood there, holding a box of what I knew were cupcakes.
I opened the door slowly, then stepped back for him to come inside.
His eyes looked me over, and then he closed the door behind him, set the box down, and pulled me to him.
“What is wrong?” he asked. “Did something happen to you? Is Cullen okay?” His tone was demanding. He looked ready to take on any demon he needed to.
“Tory,” I managed to croak out.
“She’s out? Did she come here?” His eyes flew to Cullen’s closed bedroom door. “He’s in there, right?”
I nodded, and then a tear rolled down my face as my throat tightened some more. “She’s dead,” I whispered. “Overdose.”
Rio held me against his chest. “I am so sorry,” he whispered into my damp hair.
“I never went to see her,” I told him. “I was punishing her. Cullen won’t ever get a chance to see his mama again.”
A sob broke free, and Rio’s hold tightened.
“Do not blame yourself. Nothing is your fault. Listen to me, Bryn. You did more for Tory than anyone would have ever done in your situation. You treat your nephew like your own son. He loves you like a mother. Nothing about this is your fault.”
I sobbed again because he only saw the positive things. He didn’t see the negative. He was wrong. I should have gone to see her. I should have let Cullen draw her pictures and mailed them to her. I should have reminded her what she had to live for. Instead, I’d abandoned her.
Rio lifted me up in his arms and took me to my bedroom. He sat me down on the bed, then started going through my drawers, looking for my things. He found panties, shorts, and a tank top. He took my hand and pulled me up, then began to dress me. I let him.
