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He stepped out of the bathroom, trying to avoid his bed, but he’d only managed a couple of seconds. He walked up on the platform and lifted the covers to his face. He smelled them, hoping they still held a trace of Sway’s unique scent. They did. Brian closed his eyes and inhaled again. Why, goddammit? He sat on his bed and opened his mouth to work his throat. If he could just—
“Hey. I already ate two pieces of the cake. You better come on if you want some because it’s going fast,” Sway said from just inside his bedroom door. “All I need now is some damn-good coffee.”
Brian lifted his head slowly just in case his mind was playing a trick on him. But it wasn’t. Sway stood there in the same T-shirt he’d had on earlier, but the flannel pajama bottoms were new. Brian’s tired eyes went to Sway’s bare feet. Had he really been there the whole time? Was he staying? Brian’s mind raced as his head screamed with pain.
Sway twisted his fingers together in front of him. “Brian, I’m sorry I was asleep. I’m sorry I didn’t get to you sooner. I shouldn’t’ve let that happen,” Sway slowly shook his head, looking as defeated as Brian felt. His promise was only a whisper, “I won’t let it happen again.”
Brian felt as if he was going to throw up. Not only had Sway not left him alone but he felt guilty for what had happened. Brian had managed to achieve the complete opposite of what he was wanting to happen tonight. He wanted to get Sway to relax and know what it’s like to be adored. Damn, he was fucking up bad. Brian still hadn’t moved.
Sway cleared his throat, his voice lowering a bit more with each word. “Do you want me to go?”
Brian wouldn’t lie. He was too much man to do that. Brian shook his head. “I’m so sorry you had to see that. It’s not what I wanted.” His hands felt too heavy to even sign. He hoped Sway was catching what he was trying to say.
“I know. It’s okay, Brian. I understand.”
It’s not okay. Not at all. I want more from my life than this. He couldn’t stand the pitiful regard in Sway’s eyes. “I thought you’d left,” Brian admitted.
Sway frowned. “Even if you would’ve told me to leave just now… I wouldn’t have.”
Thank you for not leaving me.
You should’ve run when you had the chance. The angel and devil said on each side of Brian’s shoulders. His body ached from the tightness in his muscles and his head was still pounding but he had enough strength for Sway. He got to his feet and came down the steps. Sway moved his eyes away from Brian’s chest when he stood over him. He gripped the small, fuzzy chin between his pointer finger and thumb and tilted Sway’s face up. Thank you so much, baby. Thank you for coming to me. He needed an action that would relay that. Brian snaked his other arm around Sway’s shoulders, caressing his fluttering pulse with his fingertips. He leaned down and placed a gentle kiss on Sway’s forehead, and down the bridge of his straight nose, to the tip, and then a chaste one on his parted lips.
“Please can I stay?” Sway asked, leaning harder on Brian. He wasn’t treating him like he was a fragile broken being, no, he was still leaning on Brian.
You don’t have to beg, angel. ‘I want you to stay.’ Brian mouthed to him and Sway read his lips perfectly because the relief became evident on his face. The worried expression quickly morphed into that shy smile Brian was coming to cherish.
“That’s one delicious cake you got in there.” Sway chuckled, still leaning against Brian’s beautiful chest. He inched back with a teasing grin hoping to pull another one of those rare smiles from the big man. “It was for me, right? I hope so because I’m getting ready to get some more.”
Brian nodded as if he couldn’t do much more. Sway could still see the fatigue, worry, and embarrassment all over his face and he wished there was something he could say to make it all better, but he couldn’t. The last thing he was supposed to do was make Brian feel as if it was his fault, or give him unsolicited advice. Sway wouldn’t try to invalidate or minimize the experience either. He understood it was huge, but he needed Brian to understand that he wasn’t afraid. Over the last couple of weeks, his late-night reading hadn’t been on modern nephrology, but on how to be in a relationship with someone with PTSD. A lot of it was information he already knew from having to help his mom through hers years ago but it was different when involved with someone intimately.
