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No background noise.
No pressure.
No regrets.
No mistakes.
No lies.
Just us.
I touched my forehead to his. He closed his eyes like he was overwhelmed, like there was so much more being said than just the words on the tips of our tongues.
He was the most incredible thing I’d ever seen. His touch the most beautiful I’d ever felt. He opened his eyes as I cupped his perfectly chiselled and stubbled jaw and as I pulled away slightly his eyes searched my face like he couldn’t fathom the tiniest space between us. He gasped as I brought my lips a breadth away from his and told him, “I just need you to hold me like this forever.”
“I promise.” He tightened his arms a
round me and laid back down with me on his chest.
I could hear his heart hammering so hard in the crook of his neck that I could feel it on my chest. Yet he was so utterly and completely at peace just as I was. He adjusted my bra and pulled the blanket tightly around us, his fingers stroked my hair as mine dug into the taught muscles on his back until we fell asleep.
Jamie
My mind was in a lot of places. It was everywhere except where it should’ve been. I’d never known my rounds to take so long. It was like every organ in my body was vibrating and pulsing with the need to be where she was. And I knew where she would be, because she’d been there almost every single day. I could picture her in scrubs as she sat in the chair by the kid’s bed with the old book in her hands. I hoped with every one of my hammering heartbeats that she’d be there again as I got in the lift to the fifth floor, flocked by my students. I knew Raj was going to meet me there with Doctor Weller to discuss the next step we were considering. It’d taken over forty-eight hours to get a temporary licence, allowing the old boy to do more than listen in. It was ridiculous considering how much of a trailblazer he was in Paediatric Neurology. The guy was a god. End of.
I managed to steal a moment with Quincy before the pandemonium started. I had to give it to her, she had those parents wrapped around her finger. Maybe the boy’s mother could sense that Quincy knew what she was feeling. I don’t know, but she was the only person that they felt confident enough with to leave their son’s side. I thought that after her little outburst they’d be wary of her, but it was like her honesty had made them love her even more. Me? They still weren’t sure of. Funny, because I was the one that had their son’s life in his hands.
She didn’t say much or hang around until the parents got back. Instead she put the book back on the bedside table and left. Maybe it was because we weren’t alone, or because of what had happened last night. I’d been so close to giving in, but it was like the moment had become too much. It was too much to feel. Too much to take in. To understand. It felt like every single touch we’d shared over the years had built up and we’d had no choice but to just be and bask in it. Things hadn’t changed. I thought they would, but they hadn’t. They just clicked.
After all the years we’d orbited around each other. After everything that had happened. We’d finally found our moment.
It was our time.
And as her hand brushed mine as she walked out, the fiery look in her eyes felt like the electric current running between us was consuming her as much as it was consuming me.
It was like the first few minutes when you breathe through an oxygen mask, heady and overwhelming. It makes you lightheaded but at the same time it makes every one of your extremities buzz with the rush of air through your blood. It was a chemical and natural unavoidable reaction.
After the consult with Wilson there was no way I could hang around the hospital. My shift was at an end anyway, so I headed home. I’d been sat on the sofa with my iPad on my lap, my eyes still glued to the scan on the screen in front of me for hours. Weller’s words on repeat in my head.
* * *
I watched as Mr and Mrs Davies listened intently to everything Wilson was telling them. Nothing I hadn’t told them. Nothing new.
“Everything that can be done is being done already. This is a waiting game.” He sighed sympathetically. “The direct treatment needs time to make a difference. He needs time.”
“How much time?” Mrs Davies whispered, her tears silently rolling down her face.
“Like I said, James has done everything that can be done for now. The treatment your son is having is already aggressive, if we do more it could have side-effects that are more detrimental than helpful to his state. Unfortunately, with this kind of tumour and with your son being so young…all we can do is wait.”
* * *
All we can do is wait.
Waiting was the one thing I’d never been good at. Nothing good ever came from waiting, not for me anyway. I was used to doing what needed to be done. But I’d gone over every angle and looked into every possible avenue for a way to help that little boy and there really was nothing more I could do because I’d been too careful, I’d closed up when I should’ve kept going. I should’ve just shaved the tumour bit by bit. But instead I’d stopped because the likelihood of it being too much for someone so little was too high. I didn’t want to lose him on my table, but in the end, I would lose him on my watch.
The writing was on the wall.
He had a few months tops, and that was if his body didn’t start shutting down from all the shit we were pumping into him just to give him one more day.
