AllFreeNovel
Share Us
Quiet.
I looked at both of the girls and their hopeful faces. Then I looked at Quincy, and I am almost one hundred percent sure that she sighed. Her eyes met mine and then she quickly tore them away.
“Well, I-I-I…”
“What your daddy is trying to say is that just because your mummy and Pippa’s daddy are getting married it doesn’t mean we will too.”
Disappointment flooded me like a spotlight. I hadn’t thought about marriage, we’d only just started actually going out properly. I wasn’t doing that again any time soon, if ever. I had no idea where that feeling had come from, but that little question started a whole new train of thought in my head. It sparked imaginings that scared the living daylights out of me, and at the same time excited me.
“Why?” Molly asked sternly. Her big blue eyes darting between me and Quincy.
“Yeah, why?” Pippa echoed. “We saw you kissing.”
Quincy blushed and sighed, “It’s complicated.”
“Like my maths?”
“Yes, Pippa, like your maths.” She laughed and kissed both of the girls on the head.
The rest of the journey was spent in relative silence between us and the girls talking about Cinderella’s big dress. I knew it wasn’t over, the minute we got to Jenna’s it was going to get messy, because despite what Richard thought, I knew her. I knew about the Ice Queen. I could melt her. But Hurricane Quincy? God help anyone that got in her way.
Quincy
I didn’t want to take my feelings out on Jamie. It was just that he’d known and once again I’d been blindsided. It was like I kept learning of the goings on from the kids and I couldn?
?t cope with that. It made it all the more difficult for me to get to grips with it all. First Pippa had told me about the baby and now Molly had broken the news of their Stateside wedding. The latter was never going to go down well with me. I hadn’t been more than an hour away from Pippa since the day she was born. In six years I hadn’t ever had to leave her. I’d been so busy with my career and being a mother that I’d never even considered a holiday. So, this was new. This was something we had never spoken about. It hadn’t even crossed my mind.
I knew deep down that Jamie wasn’t to blame for any of the mixed-up feelings, but one thought led to another and then I was asking myself what else did he know that I didn’t. It was a barrage of thoughts that had riled me up to the point that I wanted to grab my child and hide away from all the crap. Because most of my thoughts were complete non-sense. I knew that Richard wasn’t trying to make off with Pippa and live happily ever after with Jenna halfway across the world. I knew that the likelihood of anything drastic happening to Pippa was low. I knew that if something were to go wrong that Richard was one of the best people to look after her, and not just because he was her dad. But that was the logical part of me.
The unreasonable part kept asking the what ifs. What if something happened and Richard didn’t tell me? What if I didn’t get there in time? What if she felt like an outsider? Or overwhelmed? What would happen if Pippa needed me and I wasn’t there? It was an endless assault of silly scenarios. The problem was that those silly scenarios were adding fire to the anger I was still harbouring towards Richard from our altercation.
Jenna had sent the girls straight upstairs when we came in. She’d looked stressed out and on the verge of falling apart, which only made me feel worse because she was pregnant. I knew from personal experience that she didn’t need my shit insecurities to deal with too. She’d set a bottle of wine and glasses on the kitchen table and she had all these papers and a massive folder in the middle of it all. It was like she’d set up for a meeting. She was prepared to show me everything, except I wasn’t interested in any of it at that moment. The only thing I wanted was to tear Richard into shreds and stomp over all that was left of him. I wanted to put my foot down and say no.
We sat at the table and I watched as Jenna took Jamie through all the plans and all the contingencies, and I know I should’ve been listening, but I wasn’t. I just kept looking between them and the way that she touched his arm when she was showing him something in particular that she wanted him to look at. I watched as their hands touched when she handed him something. Then I started wondering if he really had moved on because he ate up her every word. He smiled and laughed when she mentioned something funny about when they’d met. And just like that I started to feel like a third wheel in their company. He didn’t look at me and smile. He didn’t say anything to me. He didn’t even seem bothered that our day had been ruined because of her and Richard.
My heart felt like it was in physical pain and the only thing I could hear were the parts of their conversation that stung even more. I felt like a cornered animal. There was no one on my team. The us and them became a them versus me. It was unreasonable, but what if that was how it was? What if I was alone?
I didn’t even notice I’d stood up until I was halfway down the street with no coat and no bag. Just my phone in my hand.
I wanted to walk back and just tell her no. But the reality was that I knew I couldn’t. Technically I could, but that would undo all the work that I’d put in over the years. Everything that I’d done to ensure that mine and Richard’s break-up didn’t affect Pippa.
I couldn’t go back though. I was embarrassed for walking out. I hadn’t even said goodbye to Pippa. Maybe Richard was right, I was incompetent…as his wife…as a mother. Maybe I wasn’t good enough for Jamie either. Perhaps that was why everything was so messy and so complicated.
What if we just weren’t meant to be?
I carried on walking in the general direction of home. The weather was chilly, and I only had a jumper on over my shirt. At least I’d worn trousers, even if they were thin ankle grazers. I had never really realised just how complex and big London really was until now. I’d always got in a cab or jumped on a bus, I’d never walked from their house to mine. Still, it was too late now. So I carried on. My feet complaining in my Converse. My hair whipping all over my face with the blustery wind. If it weren’t for Christmas, I’d fucking hate December.
That was the other thing. Sure, I’d have Christmas with Pippa like I had every other year, but then I’d have to wave her off on Boxing Day so that they could all fly off for their New Year wedding. Just like a big happy family. Meanwhile I’d be here wondering if my baby was safe, if she was happy. I’d be here counting down the days till they got back.
I rounded the corner onto my road and it was like I got a burst of energy because I’d never walked so fast in my life. I was shivering even though I didn’t feel the cold as such. I barely made it up the steps before it decided to start drizzling. Winner. I’d never used the spare key, but as I dug into the side of the flower box by the door I was more than grateful that I’d taken the initiative to hide one there. I yanked the keys out of the dirt and shook my hand like some crazy person hoping the spider I’d pulled out with them would bugger off. I just about managed to keep myself from falling down the stairs.
Twit!
I needed a bath and sleep, and then tomorrow I’d deal with everything. My heart lightened in my chest when I walked into the hall to find my bag and keys on the sideboard by the door and my coat hanging on its hook. Their presence had me searching my house for Jamie. I looked in every room even though deep down I already knew he wasn’t there. He had this energy that just permeated the air whenever he was around, and it wasn’t present. The electricity and the buzz weren’t in the air.
I threw my phone on my bed and went straight to the bathroom. I sat on the toilet as I ran my bath and thought everything over in my head. I couldn’t stop thinking about it all. I was trying to find the moment that he’d decided he didn’t want me anymore. Why else would he have brought my belongings and just left? That wasn’t like him. He always stayed. He hadn’t even called me.
The bath water was so hot it stung as I lowered myself into it. I laid there mulling things over. The panic slowly building in my chest as my fear sunk in. I didn’t want to lose him. He was my friend. My best-friend. He was the only man I’d ever loved to the point that his pain was my pain. His happiness my own. Why had I walked away? Why had I left?
