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The first part of the recital ended. Some of the staff changed the set over as we went to grab teas and coffees. Some of the other parents stopped to talk, the bitch crew did their usual stare and sneer.
At first it bothered me, now it just made me feel sorry for them. It was sad that they felt the need to look down their noses at other parents who wanted the same things for their children.
I wandered outside, occasionally stopping to greet some of the other parents whose children were friends of Pippa’s. Jamie was stood just outside the black wrought iron school gates with a scowl marring his face as he typed on his phone. His hair was messy like he’d just gotten out of bed and his usually pristine appearance was a little rumpled. He stopped as his eyes found me. My heart dropping at the lack of his usual greeting smile.
Even in his perfectly dishevelled state he managed to steal my breath. He’d always been able to do it. I was always so aware of him that even my skin seemed to react to just his presence.
“Hey, what’s wrong?” I asked as I stopped in front of him.
He sighed as he shook his head, craning it up like he was looking for something in the dark sky.
“I don’t want to talk about it right now.” He gritted.
“You said you were right behind me.”
“The imaging department was chock-a-block, I had to get a portable CT from the ICU. It was a mess. The notes said that there was a head injury, but the parents weren’t sure.” He shook a cigarette from the debranded packet and lit it before he offered it to me.
I couldn’t help but stare at the warning on the box. The ash foetus in the white ashtray with the words smoking kills glaring at me in a bold cursive.
“I’m fine.” I didn’t like smoking in front of Pippa, or Molly for that matter, and doing it practically on the school grounds just didn’t sit well with me. “They weren’t sure about what?”
“They went with what their consult said because it made sense. They didn’t think to let them know that they didn’t see their son actually injure his head. Just that he was playing happily one minute and the next he was screaming and holding his head. They just assumed that he hurt himself.”
It wasn’t the first-time parents had taken their child to A&E on assumptions. It happened all the time. In fact, more times than not there was nothing anyone could do. Sometimes it was a case of waiting it out. That’s just how it is with Paediatrics. But, for Jamie to have been that upset it meant that something was very wrong and that somewhere along the line someone had missed it.
“People assume all the time, Jamie. Guesswork is part of our job.” I took the cigarette from his hand and stubbed it on the wall before sticking the filter end in the bin close by. “You haven’t missed much. So far there’s been a lot of standing around in two different poses. I’d say that the second half promises more of the same.”
He laughed lightly as he bit into a piece of gum before he squeezed some anti-bac gel into his hands. “Here.”
I took the small bottle from him and squeezed some onto my hands too as we made our way through the school gates.
There’s nothing quite as heart-breaking as seeing a child crying a goodbye to their parent. I’d like to say that it being someone else’s child made it easier, but it didn’t. Pippa and I sat in the back of the cab watching as Molly clung to Jamie. Her little legs barely allowing her feet to touch at his back. Her arms so tight around his neck that he had no choice but to remain ramrod straight when I was so certain that every part of him was caving in on itself.
Streams ran down her red little face as his hand smoothed over her chestnut curls. My heart hurt for him as I pulled Philippa closer to me on the seat and stroked her hair. As selfish as it sounded, I wanted to hide the ugly pain from her.
“Why’s Molly crying mummy?” She peered up at me. Her eyes semi closed with sleep. I looked at my own mother trying to think of what she would’ve said if she were in my shoes. She gave me a sympathetic smile as she shook her head.
I could tell that she was getting emotional by the scene playing out in the cold. Jamie was like a son to her and her tear rimmed eyes spoke for how she was hurting for him too.
I absolutely hated this.
“She doesn’t want to say goodbye; she wants more cuddles with Uncle Jamie.” My mother cooed as she leaned across and wrapped her arm around Pippa, giving her a light squeeze before she pulled back and ran her thumb down the bridge of her nose.
“But I thought that she had cuddles with my daddy when I’m not there to cuddle him?” She looked up at her in confusion and then at me.
“Sometimes we don’t want to share. Sometimes we just want what’s ours.” I pulled her up onto my lap. “No one can replace your own daddy, sweetheart.” I kissed the top of her head and watched as Jamie buckled Molly into her booster seat.
He clenched his fists open and closed as he walked to our cab. His eyes firmly on the ground. I could feel my heart break for him. He was hunched like he’d just had all the life sucked out of him.
I hoped that Richard felt that way about leaving our daughter too, because that man walking towards me was part of the reason I made his life easier.
I never wanted to inflict that pain on anyone.
As I watched their car drive off, I hoped that he was just better at hiding his hurt than Jamie was.
Most of the cab ride to my house was quiet. Jamie barely even looked at us, always making sure that his face was in the shadow. Once in a while he’d give us a glance and his breath would catch as his eyes would pause on Pippa.
I wanted to reach over the empty space between us and give him some comfort. To show him that he wasn’t alone. To do for him what he’d done for me, but I knew that it wasn’t what he needed.
