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The way he maneuvered everything surrounding me, and even me, told me that he knew exactly how far I was willing to go with him. But, that didn’t exactly mean that I wasn’t second guessing myself. He’d very cunningly worked in marriage and kids with the whole moving in thing because he knew that those things would make living together seem like no biggy.
Except it was.
I hadn’t lived with a man in over six years. The last time I’d lived with a man everything had gone tits up the moment life got very real. But then, Jamie had been there for the worst of it. He’d taken it upon himself to push all the debris together, and piece by piece, he helped fix me. Or at least he’d tried. There were still cracks and fissures that would never go away, but he knew all about them, and he didn’t mind any of those things. He just wanted me.
I wanted him.
But kids? I hadn’t thought about babies and pregnancy unless I was talking to Richard and Jenna or getting my contraception sorted. I was quite happy with just Pippa. Just the thought of being pregnant and having all that stress of whether the baby would make it or not was opening a whole new can of worms. It made me nervous and anxious. Again, my track record on that front wasn’t exactly great. Out of two pregnancies I only had one child.
Why would I put myself through all that again? Especially when we already had two beautiful girls between us.
What if he really wanted more kids? What if it was a deal breaker for him?
Shit, you really haven’t thought any of this through.
That’s all I could think. I’d said yes to moving in with him and I hadn’t actually thought of all the other things he’d mentioned.
He was fucking dangerous with his romantic words and his broody charm.
He’d allured me alright, and now I was panicking because I’d been too wrapped up in him to actually think about what he’d said.
Sure, he’d said old and wrinkly, but he didn’t mess around. He didn’t wait for anything. Let alone age and wrinkles.
What is wrong with you?
I was acting like a silly teenager making big decisions on a whim, just like I had with Richard.
Except he’s not Richard.
He’d never been and never would be anything like Richard. He’d always be the boy that grew into the man that I had loved all my life. And it wasn’t a simple and straightforward love either. It’d been weathered and stretched and it had never weakened or broken.
So why was I even arguing with myself over it?
Because you’re an idiot?
No, because if we failed, I’d lose him. And by that logic, if he wanted all those things and I couldn’t give them to him, then I’d inadvertently fail him.
I’d lose him.
I rapped lightly on Jenna’s room door. I wanted to try and talk to her on her own about her decision to apply the DNR to her file. I got that the risks were serious and the complications were tremendous, but her decision wasn’t sitting well with me.
I knew I couldn’t come right out and tell her that it was the wrong decision. Especially not after Sam had called me out on my inability to remain objective. This may not have been my case, but I’d taken it upon myself to follow up with her Obstetrics Consultant, because it was personal. Jenna and I may not have been besties, but she was mother to Jamie’s daughter and pretty much my ex-husband’s wife. The child I could potentially end up taking under my care was my daughter’s sibling. It couldn’t get more personal unless it was Pippa.
Which was why I had to step away completely. I should’ve done it when Sam called me out. I knew that her care team would’ve been as diligent as I was, but a part of me wanted to make sure that what happened to Theo wouldn’t happen to her and Richard’s baby. Despite all the years I’d spent begrudging and hating his ability to compartmentalise our loss, I knew that he’d felt it too. He’d never been the same after it, but we were finally trying to move on and I couldn’t see him suffer again.
Like Jamie he’d been my friend at one time. Once upon a time I’d loved him in one way or another. Not in the way that I’d always loved Jamie, but enough to marry him and have children with him.
I knocked again, a little louder this time before I opened the door.
There was nobody in there. It had been cleaned and it was ready for a new patient.
Shit, I needed to explain to Jenna that she didn’t need the Do Not Resuscitate order in her file. Not when she had one of the best, if not the best, Obstetrics and Neonatal teams looking after her and her baby.
“Quincy?”
I turned just as I was reaching the Antenatal ward doors.
“What are you doing here?” Sam asked looking a little affronted.
