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I sit on the edge of the bed, the creases and wrinkles of the bedding the last worry on my mind.
How am I meant to do this?
“It’s not giving up; it’s doing the right thing.”
“By who? You’re supposed to love him.”
“I do!” Pressing a kiss to the back of Kit’s hand he holds it tighter in both of his. “You think I want to let him go? I have never wanted to hold on to anything more than I want to cling to him.”
“Then hold on, please. They’ll do it for you. They’ll keep him alive for you. You can have him back.” I’m grasping at dry straw.
“Do you believe in miracles, Leo?” His gaze meets mine as he thumbs the crucifix wrapped around Kit’s wrist. “I’ve been hoping and praying for one since I got your mother’s call. But look around you. Do you see a God or an angel or anything that’s going to bring him back? Where is the fucking miracle I keep begging for?”
We both pause at the sound of the door opening, and when I look back, the tears I’ve been holding on to so fucking tight, slip down my cheeks.
Casper presses a kiss to the top of Arabella’s head. She looks ghostly in her pallor and her face has lost some of the roundness and softness it had gained over the last few months.
“I had to come.” She says, lips trembling as her fingers wipe desperately at her eyes. “I had to see him one more time.”
“Don’t. You’re not allowed to give up too. You promised. Remember?”
Casper wheels her beside me, and when she tries to get up, her legs give under her weight. She’s shaking and sobbing and I don’t know who she’s crying for.
Kit, the baby, herself. I have no idea. And as much as I want to comfort her, I don’t have it in me right now.
It makes me a bastard, but they’re all giving up. They’re all throwing in the towel and letting him go.
“Stop trying to stand and walk. For God’s sake, just do as the doctor asked!” Casper tells her off. “I’ll get Christopher in here so qui—”
“You wouldn’t dare. Not today. I need today for me.”
“Yeah, well, don’t be an idiot.” Settling her back in her wheelchair, he looks at me with his own brand of sympathy that consists of pity, respect, and pride. “Make sure she doesn’t get up.”
Taking one last look back, he leaves. I can tell he doesn’t want to go, but he wants to give us space.
“Have you said goodbye?” Arabella asks, her hand grasping mine tightly. I couldn’t shake her off if I tried. “I know you don’t want to now, but if you don’t get to…” her voice breaks and for a moment she looks like she’s about to choke on her tears and her words. “If you don’t get to say goodbye, it hurts so much more, Leo.”
Fuck, I can’t dismiss her words. I can’t be mad at her. Wrapping my arm around her shoulders I give her a light squeeze.
“I know it’s hard, but it’s better to make the choice than to have it taken away from you.” She smiles at Julian. “He wouldn’t want to be kept like this.”
My chest crumples, wringing my heart and lungs. Crushing every last morsel of hope and fight.
They’re right, Kit wouldn’t want to be kept like this. All the possibilities and outcomes at this stage aren’t in the favour of a normal, lucid life.
“I can’t do it.”
“He’s gone.” Julian brushes the strip that’s left of Kit’s dark hair. It looks so thin now.
“You know it’s the right thing. Even if the guilt is telling you otherwise, you know he would never have wanted to be left hanging on. That’s not Kit.” Her hand reaches up, squeezing mine on her shoulder.
“He’s a doer, and keeping him here, like this, is the last thing he would’ve wanted.”
Looking up at me with tears sluicing down her face, Arabella cups my face. Her touch is so cool compared to its usual feel. “Say goodbye and hold on to all the good things. Hold on to the memories, and all the things he did for you. Those are all that matter.”
“Bella.”
“Do it, Leo. Before the choice is taken away from you and you can’t tell him all the things you want him to know. You’ll regret that more than anything else.” Shuffling to the edge of her wheelchair, she pulls herself as close as she can get to the bed. “Help me up? I want to give him one last hug. That’s all I need.”
