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Careful, wife. I might start not giving a fuck.
His words play around in my mind as I watch the photo of us lighting up my screen, cariño stamped above our heads, barely visible against the white sheets.
That was on our wedding night. I didn’t have a single scar back then. Now I have them all over me. On my body, on my heart, in my soul…they’re everywhere. Red, raw, and angry.
The call goes to voicemail, and in less than a minute my phone rings again.
Swiping my thumb across my screen, I take a deep breath as I put it to my ear. I don’t have time to say anything. The minute he hears my breath, Christopher goes right in.
“We have a dinner tonight. Seven sharp. Be ready. It’s formal.”
I already knew he had a function. I woke up to the reminder on my phone. The annual Law Society dinner is a big deal. It’s an indication of where you stand on the progression front.
“Fine.”
Christopher’s breath wisps down the line. “I’ll pick you up at half six.”
“Okay.”
Tears prick my eyes at the silence between us. We’ve never been like this. We’ve never had this awkwardness or trepidation. Things between us were always so smooth and easy. Communication was never an issue for us. Now we don’t even know how to end a call.
“All right,” he murmurs. “I’ll see you later.”
I love you. The words are on the tip of my tongue, I almost let them slip. Almost. I manage to catch them in time and swallow them down.
“Bye, Christopher,” I breathe, ending the call quickly and putting a call through to my mother.
After cancelling lunch with her, I arrange for the hairdresser to come to the house and go about getting an outfit together.
I ignore every call from my father and Francis. I can’t face another argument today. More importantly, I don’t want to miss tonight.
“Holy crap!” Georgie freezes in the doorway of my room. “What the fuck have you done?”
Brushing my fingertips on the shortened ends of my hair, I have a wobble on my decision. I don’t know what came over me, but sitting in front of the bathroom mirror, staring at myself…I couldn’t do it anymore.
It was a stupid notion, thinking that cutting my hair would change what I saw staring back at me.
I’m losing my mind to all this chaos, and I can’t get my emotions in check. I can’t get anything in check.
My husband hates me.
Our daughter is gone.
His heart is broken.
My world is on fire, and I have no idea how to extinguish it.
There are too many lies to keep track of. Too many demons to exorcise. Too many sins to repent.
“Oh shit, Bella…I didn’t mean that in a bad way. I swear, you look amazing.” Throwing the large box in her hands on the bed, Georgina races to me. Her arms wrap around me tight as she does her rocking thing. “Besides, change is good.”
Pulling back, she squeezes my shoulders as she gives me the once over. Her lips pull up into a lopsided smile.
“The dress is nice, but too much black. You need some colour. You love a red lip, why don’t you go with that tonight?”
I turn to follow her to the vanity as she goes through my make-up bag.
“Ta-dah!” Holding up my classic Chanel lipstick, she saunters over to me and puts it in my hand. “You know, maybe this change can be a fresh start. Maybe tonight is a good night to focus on the future?”
