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“Yeah, ummm…sorry.”
“It’s okay.” Pulling away from him, I stand on my own for a moment to realise that we’re alone. I kneel on the armchair, throwing the fucking cushion to the side as I mutter, “I’m going to burn that fucking thing when I’m done.”
Casper chuckles. Although he has the decency to try to conceal it, it still pisses me off.
“I’ll burn you too!” I bark at him, crossing my arms over the back of the seat and laying my head on them.
He kneels on the floor and does the same so that we’re looking at each other.
“I love you,” he says quietly, stroking the side of my face.
“This is going to take forever, and it hurts. It really hurts, big man.” Tears run over the bridge of my nose onto my arms.
“If I could make it better, I would.”
“I know…” Because that’s the kind of person he is. He’ll always do what he can to spare me any pain and hurt.
Chapter 32
FLEUR
Almost four hours after my waters broke, I got to hold my baby for the first time. And she’s so, so tiny. Nineteen inches and a little over seven pounds. She’s also got a good set of lungs, which is oddly satisfying.
I can’t stop crying at the mere thought that she’s mine…and Casper’s. She’s so perfect with her pink skin and scrunched-up nose.
Sitting up in bed, I work through my achy muscles and then the odd, empty feeling. I didn’t think I’d miss that constant fullness or the weight of my bump, but now I feel weirdly empty.
The bedside light is on, the glow soft, barely allowing me to see much with my sleep-fogged and still-tear-swollen eyes. Childbirth is harder than I thought it would be. I knew it was going to hurt, but it felt so much worse. To be honest, even now, I’m mentally aware of how much it hurt, but it’s like there’s a rose-tinted veil that makes it not that bad given how amazing our baby is.
She looks so beautiful lying on her daddy’s chest. Her tiny naked body curled up on his broad, strong chest is doing things to me that have tears streaming down my face all over again. They’re just so perfect, and for once it doesn’t matter whether I’m loved, I just want to love them until I have nothing left that I can love them with.
When I get up and sit on the bench at the bottom of the bed, Casper peeks at me from behind his fingers. His arms are thrown over his head with his hands over his eyes like he’s trying to block out the light.
“Hey, Trouble,” he croaks quietly. “Everything okay?”
“Yeah,” I sigh in reply, with my emotions warbling my words.
Pulling on the sleeves of my pyjama top, I wipe my face. Everything is so surreal right now. The emptiness, the fullness, and the need to love unlike I’ve ever loved before. Him and her.
“Are you sure?” Tucking one of his hands behind his neck, he lifts his head to look at me while his other hand trails down, caressing our baby girl from the top of her head to her bottom, holding her to him.
“Yes. Everything is so…so…perfect,” I bluster through an emotional sob. “I’m so overwhelmed right now. I don’t actually know why I’m crying because I’m so happy, and I feel like an idiot…”
He doesn’t say anything, Casper merely looks up at me with a goofy smile that I’ve never seen before. All we do is stare at each other. Him at my ridiculous hiccupping and teary mess, and me at the way his large hand cocoons our daughter to him.
“Why are you on the floor?” I manage to ask eventually. “The bed is big enough, you know?”
“I know, but you were sleeping, and she wasn’t. So, I thought we’d have a chat, and then she pooped and…and I have no idea where anything is right now because there are bags of so many things that I can’t find shit anywhere. Fuck, I shouldn’t swear.”
A low giggle bursts from me at his concern over his cursing. Somehow, I think that’s going to be the hardest part of the parenting thing for him. Casper swears like a sailor. I’m pretty certain most of his thoughts are littered with curses.
“Why didn’t you wake me up?”
“Because the least I could do after everything was let you rest.” Holding our daughter to him, he sits up.
When he cradles her in his arm, a hand brushing softly over her dark head of hair, I melt at the sight.
Everything I’ve wished and dreamed for is right here in front of me. All the sad tears I’ve cried and my broken heart are justified and mended.
