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“I’m not putting pressure on you. I’m being here to talk to about it. We’ve pretty much done all this together, and…”
“I love you, Cass. I do, but I need time to think about it for myself. To go over it on my own terms.”
“Your own terms?”
I take a generous glug of my wine before I start on my make-up. I’m going for something clean and classy. Winged liner and berry-red lipstick. Glam but not over the top and cakey.
“I love art. I still would like to go into that world.”
“But?”
“Well, for one, Grace is more important. I love her and Casper more, and this decision isn’t only about me.”
“Stop it! Casper would tell you to do what you want.”
“Secondly, I want to be a good mother. I don’t want to sacrifice all the memories with my family for a career. And lastly, I’m not sure I want to stay in London. It doesn’t feel like home anymore.”
“What?” Her voice breaks with panic. “What do you mean? This is your home. With all of us. Your family. Are you really planning on leaving? Does Casper want to leave? Is that why—”
“No, I…Cassie, I haven’t had a chance to tell him because he’s been so wrapped up in trying to interview the girl from the club, trying to get information from her, that when he gets home, I want to give him space to breathe. I don’t want to be another thing he worries about or a burden.”
“But…wha-what would I do without you? You’re the sister I never had, and my maid of honour. You can’t leave. What happens when I have a baby and I need someone to slap sense into me over shit?”
“Babe, when you have a baby, everything changes. Everything becomes about that child, and there’s no sense that can be slapped into you in any way. Besides, you’re jumping the gun. I haven’t told Casper, and he might never want to leave London.”
“He will,” she murmurs over the line, sounding as though she’s close to tears. “Even if he doesn’t want to. He’ll do it for you. He’ll do anything for you.”
“What? Are you his personal cheerleader or something?” I finish my wine and then do my wing liner. “Let’s cross that bridge when we come to it, okay? Don’t be sad.”
“I’m not sad.”
“You’re not?”
?
??No. Well, yeah, but not in a shitty way. I want you to be happy, and I want to be a part of that happiness. You know? When you and Casper disappeared…” There’s a darkness in her tone that makes me feel guilty, but I did what I had to do to protect myself and Grace.
I’m not sorry.
“We’re not going to disappear anytime soon. Or ever. And anyway, until this whole thing is done, I don’t think any of us are going anywhere.”
“I want it to be over so badly. I don’t want to get married with all this crap hanging over our heads.”
“I did,” I sigh, falling back into the warm, beautiful memories. “And you know what?”
“What?”
“None of that shit mattered. It was perfect.”
“Intense.”
“That too,” I laugh.
“I can’t keep using my nan as an excuse for not picking a date. I think Leo is beginning to get pissed. It feels like I’m being selfish now.”
“Leo will want you to have the best wedding you can imagine. God forbid that his queen slums it anyhow.”
She cracks up at that with a wistful whisper of “His queen.”
