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For two years, I wasn’t living, I was faking.
I forgot myself.
I wanted to find Angel, to be sure whether she was alive, but I wanted to be myself at the same time. Deep down I knew if Angel were here with me she would have wanted the same thing.
My life for two years wasn’t healthy. I was afraid even if I could find Angel, I wouldn’t be able to return to normal afterward. What good would it have been if I lost myself while trying to find her? I had to balance my life. Otherwise, I wouldn’t be able to focus on anything, at all.
What if everyone was right and I could never find her? Or worse…What if I found her dead?
I shuddered with the possibility. I didn’t know how to deal with that. I lived with the idea of finding Angel, like my life was depended on it. It was dangerous to live like that. But I didn’t know how to balance it.
My mind was going dark places, I was scared of myself.
I shook my head to get rid of the bad thoughts and went to my kitchen.
To occupy myself with something I made a cup of hot chocolate with vanilla flavored vodka. This recipe was something I prepared to cheer myself up. It was good at soothing my nerves and making me feel better. Also, it was something that brought back happy memories. After one hour with my book and hot chocolate I felt good enough to go to my bedroom.
I sat at my desk and tried to focus on the task at hand. After the wisdom I found in balancing my life, I thought I was ready to make a list.
But I didn’t do anything except writing a title on a blank page: WHO IS GUILTY?
I thought it would be easier than this. I think I expected someone would have a neon sign on his or her forehead saying “GUILTY”. But it wasn’t like that. No one seemed guilty and I didn’t know how to help Angela.
I straightened my back and started to write everyone’s name on the paper.
William Harrison…I wasn’t sure if he could hurt anyone but he was surely a pervert.
Michael Lane…He was a mystery to me. I didn’t know what to think or feel about him. He made me ambivalent. One moment I was thinking that he was a decent guy, the next moment he seemed like a douchebag.
I shook my head and noted that I would ask Kevin about his accident if it was true. That was the only information I knew about him so I’d use it.
Channing Paxton…I was full-heartedly hoping to strike his name from this list. He looked too good to be on the list.
Zac…I didn’t know anything about my driver except the gut feeling that he might know something. I didn’t forget he warned me to be careful that first night.
Frank…He was the most difficult one, a closed box. Standing like a statue all the time, I doubted anyone would know something about him.
About the girls?
Harley Davidson didn’t look like she could hurt someone. Even though I saw her tough from time to time, she was too cute to be accused of something ugly. I knew I didn’t know her much but she had become my closest friend in the club. Actually, she was the only friend I had after two long years. But no matter what, she was working there for enough time to know a lot of things about club. And Angela might be one of them. I had to figure how to ask her.
K was acting strange recently so I decided to watch her carefully. But it could be anything that made her act like that. Everyone had their own problems in their lives anyway. Closing my eyes on anything was a luxury I wouldn’t take in my situation. Deciding to be careful about every little detail, I wrote another name.
Arianna Salem…
I pushed the paper aside with a huff. It was harder than I thought to do it like this. I was spending my nights with those people. They were my friends in a way. Some more than the others but how could I accuse them of being guilty and care for them at the same time. How could I doubt that they were related to Angel’s disappearence? But also caring for them made me feel like I was betraying Angel, like I was choosing them over her.
Shaking my head, I gave up on making the list with a long exhale and decided to ask Kevin to do background check for everyone. Also, I had to ask him about Mike’s accident. Something in Mike’s demeanor rubbed me off in the wrong way about the accident. It might be my paranoia but I had to start from somewhere and this was the only thing I had on my hands.
I put the paper into my blue folder and let myself fall on to my bed.
As I watched the ceiling I waited for the sleep to find me but my body couldn’t find any rest or peace. I tried to adjust my pillow a few times but it didn’t help one bit.
I was stressed, nervous. Also, I was frustrated…hot and bothered. I was feeling everything all at once—it was confusing.
Tossing the comforter aside I turned on my side. No matter how much I tried to stop myself from thinking about it, my body had needs. It was tense and throbbing since the moment I saw them in the VIP room. I tried to focus on something else, something so much more important. But tension, anxiety, arousal, fear caused me to lose focus. It was so much, I ached. The card on my nightstand that was luring me like a forbidden fruit didn’t help the situation, either.
I gave up the fight in me. I’d already made a decision, accepted them both and being at war with myself now was just ridiculous. I grabbed the card and reached for my phone.
