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She lifted her head from her tablet, in shock; that was the only unprofessional emotion I caught in her for a few seconds, but she immediately got a hold of her emotions and schooled her expression.
“What do you mean, you don’t know, Angel?”
“It isn’t rape if I wanted it, right?” I shrugged. Not feeling anything, I was empty.
“It still can be.”
“Define rape to me.” My voice was robotic as I answered her.
“If you said no but he didn’t stop, that is rape. If you weren’t a willing partner, then it is rape. If you weren’t conscious or if you were under the influence of alcohol and if he took advantage of you, then it’s rape, Angel,” Cynthia explained, slowly.
“Under the influence of alcohol… what if I was under the influence of drug or mind games?”
“Well, let me ask you the question again, then. Did he ever take advantage of you when you weren’t conscious or when you’re under the influence of drug or when you’re not thinking clearly?”
I noticed her anger, it was almost parental like she wanted to protect me from all that. It was useless and meaningless now, though.
“Yes, at first…”
“How are you feeling about that?” she asked this time. I shrugged.
“Why are you so calm about that?” she persisted.
“Because even if it’s rape in your book, he never hurt me. I hurt him.”
She wrote down something on her tablet and clasped her hands under her chin before asking,
“Why did you want the drugs?”
“Because my body wanted it.”
“But before that, before your body got addicted to it, the first days… why, Angel?” she asked.
I could say “I don’t know” like I always did, but her eyes wouldn’t miss a thing as all her focus was on me and I went with the truth.
“I wanted to stop feeling guilty.”
“Guilty for what, Angel?”
“For everything…”
MIKE –Age 17: The same day
Rage is the most dominant emotion I’m feeling. When Nat told me everything it started as shock, turned into sadness, but as my childhood played behind my eyelids all emotions morphed into anger – a rage like the molten lava that consumes everything in its path.
They fooled me, betrayed me, and ruined me.
They took away everything from me.
They erased every sliver of hope for happiness by stealing my identity from me.
Who am I now?
A bastard no one wants. A bastard even his dad is ashamed of. A bastard who is stupid enough to believe he has a mother, someone who would love him unconditionally.
How delusional I was all those years?
Nat always told me she wasn’t my mother. I knew from the beginning she only hated me. And after I turned into a teenager, transformed into a man, she only wanted me to fuck her senseless just like her Theo or her Johns before him.
