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I must have fallen asleep at one point, but I woke up to the loud music.
They lyrics were brutal, I couldn’t focus anything else but those lyrics –I wanna fuck you like an animal. That was how I felt –an animal, caged and helpless. I let my anger rise.
“You bastard! Coward! You couldn’t stand to hear my screams?!” I yelled, but the music drowned out my cries. I rocked back and forth, sobbing, screaming and listening to the song that played on repeat.
I was losing my mind.
Doctor’s Office–January 10, 2016
“Which song was that?”
“Closer by Nine Inch Nails.”
“Is there any specific reason for him to choose that song, Angel?” Cynthia asked.
“Have you ever heard that song, doctor?” I asked, my voice had the slightest tone of sarcasm but it was something, nonetheless.
“No. I’m not so adventurous with music. I only listen to what I’ve grown used to,” CC smiled at me.
“That is the most sexually animalistic song you can find, doctor,” I answered with a robotic tone.
“Oh, I got it,” she said and continued in a hurry to change the topic, “How long did he make you listen to that song?”
“I don’t know. One week I think, or maybe more,” I shrugged.
“Why did he stop, then?” Cynthia asked, taking some notes on her tablet.
“To take care of me.”
“To take care of you? Why?” she looked at me above her black rim glasses.
I held her blue gaze for awhile. Because for the first time, I surely knew the answer of her question. I felt a small smile form on my face before I answered,
“Because he loved me.”
February 25, 2014–Day 40
“Stop, stop, stop… stop it!” I was shaking, my teeth were shattering as I rocked back and forth.
“I want to fuck you like an animal,” I whispered to myself, scratching my skin with my nails till pain shot through me.
The song was driving me crazy, I couldn’t stand it.
I moved closer to the door and hit it with my fists as hard as I could.
“Mike… please… I’ll do anything
you want… Mike!” I was panting, every breath I took was hurting my body. My head was spinning, I couldn’t breathe.
I lied down, pulling my knees to my head, forcing myself to become smaller in hope of stopping this misery.
I was dying… and it wasn’t freeing, it was paralyzing.
*****
“Shh, I’ve got you, babe…I’ve got you.”
“Mike,” I whispered, but even that hurt my throat.
