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And she challenged me to break her, corrupt her, and make her mine.
Challenge accepted.
Doctor’s Office– February 5, 2016
“Oh, look at that! Where did those flowers come from?” CC smiled at me.
I shrugged as I read the card that attached to blue roses:
I’m still here.
You’re not alone.
-Pax
“A friend of mine,” I whispered.
“Do you want to talk about it? Him, maybe?”
Looking at her without seeing I caressed the letters under my collarbone. I didn’t know what I wanted. People were expecting me to move on with my life… without Mike. I didn’t know how to do that, I didn’t even know if I wanted to do that. His marks were too deep in my soul, his darkness was too comfortable to meet with the blinding light of sun again. And Channing Paxton was that… the sun to my eyes that were accustomed to darkness for so long. He was too good, too pure for a broken soul like me. But his message and the roses did something to me, touched somewhere inside me that I thought was dead.
“He liked me… before all these things…” I told her. Talking about something else other than Mike was a shock to both of us.
“Seems like he still likes you.”
“No. He loved another woman… not this one.”
“You’re still the same woman, Angel,” CC told me with a soft voice.
“I don’t feel like it.”
“How do you feel?” Her voice was back to the professional nonchalance as she tw
irled the pen between her slender fingers. When she did that she was preparing herself for my answer, to study my mental state. It was almost like a neon light over her head to let me know her hunger for a peek into my mind.
“I feel like the shadow of the girl I’ve once been and a shell the one I most wanted to be.”
“The one you most wanted to be? How did you want to be, Angel?”
“Fearless, wild, and happy,” I whispered. Like how Mike made me feel, I thought to myself, but not adding that part.
“I think you’re all those things, Angel and you still can be. I know you feel weak and tired right now, that’s normal, but this is just a period of your life.”
I huffed, rolling my eyes at her. “You’re talking about it like I’m having cancer instead of heartache.”
This made her smile… not like her shrink smiles but the real smile. “Sorry,” she says, winking at me. She started to grow on me.
“So tell me how you feel about all this situation, Angel.”
She was always asking me to tell her about my feelings, but I was locked in this clinic because of them. How ironic.
Taking a deep breath I look at the flowers on my lap and decided to tell her everything. I didn’t know what changed in me, but I wanted to talk.
“I’m broken, doctor. He broke me so good I don’t even know if I want to be cured. Have you ever felt like you were hidden behind your own walls that you didn’t know their existence?” I asked, but didn’t wait for her to answer; she wouldn’t answer it anyway. “That was how I felt, CC. I thought I lived life fully. I thought I knew myself, all my own secrets, but he showed me I knew nothing about myself. I loved being his. I loved his darkness, his cruelty, and his vulnerability.”
“His vulnerability?” she asked, taking notes on her tablet.
“He was broken, too. His scars were deeper than my own… and we loved each other with our broken souls, we found each other in the darkness as there was no light to blind us.”
