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Nodding I sank into his warmth. He was like the sun in my life, warming the cold in me, giving me hope to go on. His presence was bringing the best in me, wanting me to be better for him.
That wasn’t easy for him, though. Loving someone who was broken, twisted, and in love with someone else –a monster in his eyes, was the bravest but also the stupidest thing he could do, but he had never given up on me. He was always there even when I struggled with therapies after my time in clinic. Even though I woke up crying every night –some because of nightmares and some because of the longing I felt for Mike. He was there as I kept him at the arm length and he was still there as I forced him to be rough with me when I finally let him in enough to have a sexual relationship.
Fucking someone who you know was thinking someone else couldn’t be easy. Making love with someone who cried and pushed you every time you said you loved her must be one of the most painful things a man could experience.
But he stayed there, at the arm length to my emotions, and never gave up.
And finally he broke down my walls, loved me enough for both of us and loved my son like his own; he made us a family.
“Marry me,” he whispered for the hundredth times since we moved in together and I just smiled at him before MJ barged in to the room. “Daddy!”
Pax kneeled down for my boy. “Hey, little man,” he said, tussling MJ’s hair before placing a kiss on his forehead. As MJ beamed at him Pax’ eyes found mine, saw through me even without I say anything, “I’ll be in the living room.”
I sat to the couch in the room, feeling tired and melancholic like most of the time I was.
“Mommy!” MJ stopped in front of me, looking at me with his beautiful green eyes like he was asking permission to touch me. His hesitance hurt my heart, but no matter how hard I tried my boy could see me clearly, could feel something was off with his mommy.
He was like the miniature version of Mike with the same sand-blonde hair and the same shade of green eyes. I sometimes even saw Mike’s brooding melancholia in MJ and that made me sad and nervous.
“Hey, baby boy.” I smiled at him before pulling him onto my lap.
“MJ loves mommy,” he told me, caressing my cheek with his small palm.
“And mommy loves MJ… so much,” I rasped, hugging him tighter to my chest.
“Story?” he murmured to the crook of my neck. Caressing his hair I smiled down at him. “You want mommy to read you a book?”
“No. Story,” he said, getting comfortable on my lap.
Sighing deeply I smiled with a sad smile, understanding what “story” he wanted.
“There was a girl who lives in a castle, alone, bored, broken and scared,” I started.
“I get bored when I’m alone, too,” MJ interrupted me. He loved to talk to me as I told her this story even though normally he preferred to communicate with one word only.
“You will never be alone, MJ. You have lots of people who love you, okay baby?”
Nodding he placed his head back under my chin.
“One day when she was crying a knight opened her door and got her out of the room. The girl was fascinated by the knight in black armor. She was scared of the stranger, but also happy he rescued her from that room. The knight wanted the girl to be with him, to leave the castle and live with him in the woods.”
“Scary,” MJ murmured.
“You’re right, baby boy. Living in the woods sounds scary and the girl was scared, too. But the knight was all she had so she decided to live with him. The knight in black armor carried the girl out of the castle and put her on his black horse. They rode a long way on the horse till they finally arrived to the knight’s house.”
“Food?”
“They stopped by to get food on the way.” I smiled.
“McDonald’s?” MJ beamed at me.
Chuckling I nodded. “Yes, MJ. They stopped by at McDonald’s and bought the burgers you love.”
“Go on.”
“Okay, right… then the girl started to love the knight, his black armor shined enough to pull the girl under his spell, but the knight was a hard man, a little bit grumpy and also dangerous.”
“But he loved the girl, too, right mommy? Because the girl is so beautiful,” he said, playing my hair.
